is

700,000.

Last edited on Thu Aug 7th, 2008 05:10 pm by Farmer

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. Shoot, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

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1. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.
   
   
2. Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
   
   
3. Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
   
   
4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
   
   
5. You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"
   
   
6. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.
   
   
7. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
   
   
8. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
   
   
9. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
   
   
10. When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
    
    
11. Your dog has its own home page.
    
    
12. You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.
    
    
13. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
    
    
14. Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
    
    
15. You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
    
    
16. You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
    
    
17. Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months
    
    
18. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
    
    
19. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.
    
    
20. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
    
    
21. Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
    
    
22. You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."
    
    
23. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.
    
    
24. The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
    
    
25. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
    
    
26. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
    
    
27. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
    

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Last edited on Thu Jun 26th, 2008 04:47 am by eastcambridge_mom

One of my fondest memories
as I recall the days of old..
Was the little house, behind the house,
with the crescent o'er the door,

'Twas a place to sit and ponder
with your head all bowed down low;
knowing that you wouldn't be there,
If you didn't have to go.  

 
Ours was a multi-holer, three,
with a size for every one.
You left there feeling better,
after your job was done.   
You had to make those frequent trips
in snow, rain, sleet, or fog--
to that little house where you usually

Found the Wards catalog. 

Sometimes in dead of winter,
the seat was spread with snow.
Twas then with much reluctance,
to that little house you'd go. 
 
With a swish you'd clear that wooden seat,
bend low, with dreadful fear
You'd shut your eyes and grit your teeth
as you settled on your rear. 

I recall the day Ol' Granddad,
who stayed with us one summer,
made a trip out to that little house 
which proved to be a bummer.  
 
'Twas the same day that my Dad had
finished painting the kitchen green.
He'd just cleaned up the mess he'd made
with rags and gasoline. 
 
He tossed the rags down in the hole
went on his usual way
not knowing that by doing so-

he'd eventually ruin the day.

Now Granddad had an urgent call,
I never will forget!
This trip he made to the little house
stays  in my memory yet.  
 
He sat down on the wooden seat,
with both feet on the floor.
He filled his pipe and tapped it down
and struck a match on the outhouse door.
    
He lit the pipe and sure enough,
it soon began to glow.
He slowly raised his rear a bit
and tossed the flaming match below.

The Blast that followed, I am told
was heard for miles around;
and there was poor ol' Granddad
sprawled out there on the ground. 
 
The smoldering pipe still in his mouth,
his eyes were shut real tight;
The celebrated three -holer
was blown clear out of sight. 
 
We asked him what had happened,
what he said I'll  ne'er forget.
He said he thought it must have been
those pinto beans ......

Next day we had a new one
Dad put it up with ease.
But this one had a door sign 
that read: "No Smoking, Please"

Now that's the story's end my friend,
of  memories long ago,
when we went to the house behind the house,
Because we had to go.

For those who never had to trot out in the Cold.....

Just Give Thanks!!

You will never know about having to hold your nose when you had to go.

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Atlanta.  One day
the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink,
jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"  

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high  octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.  In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO
bad side effects.  Nothing!
Then the phone rings, its Jim.  Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"  Bud says, "I feel great.
How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do
this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing."
What's that?" "Have you farted yet?"  "No " "Well,
DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver."

Last edited on Tue Jun 24th, 2008 02:39 am by eastcambridge_mom

CRABS

A  man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of crabs. A female crew member  took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally  responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about  what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing  in New York , she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, "Would the  gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise his hand?"

Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them herself. Men  never learn.