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Owen Stanley McKenrick
Member
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Posted: Fri Nov 6th, 2009 11:54 am |
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THE WEDDING NIGHT
Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a
honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and
Dad's house for their first night together. In the
morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets
up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to
school, he ask his mom if Fred and
Mary are up yet. She replies,'No'. Johnny asks,
'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what
you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are
Fred and Mary up yet?' She replies, No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom
replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back
to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?' His mom says, 'No.' >
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me
what you think?'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the
Vaseline and I think... I gave him my airplane glue.'
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Dreamer27
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Posted: Thu Oct 29th, 2009 12:52 am |
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STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me.
Can't you just let me have the two old hens in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud....
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking and running hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit......
Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral Of This Story ? ...
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, Skill, Wisdom, and a little Treachery
Always Overcome Youth and Arrogance!
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EYE SORE
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Posted: Wed Oct 28th, 2009 11:35 am |
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| . Attachment: 376504088.jpg (Downloaded 32 times)
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yakspy
Member
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Posted: Wed Oct 28th, 2009 01:55 am |
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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, a loud noise came
from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed
and yelled at the man, "s**t! That must be my husband!"
So the guy quickly got out of bed scared and naked, he
grabbed his pants and jumped out the window like a crazy
man. He smashed himself on the ground, went through a
thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to
his car.
Just a few minutes later he returned and screams at the
woman, "What the hell are you trying to do to me? I'm your
husband, you slut!"
The woman yelled back, "Yeah? Why were you running? You
son of a b**ch!"
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Dreamer27
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Posted: Mon Oct 26th, 2009 03:27 pm |
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Reply
Reply all
Forward
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Subject: Funny stuf for your day
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'.
* * *
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'
* * *
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'
* * *
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!
* * *
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. 'You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.'
* * *
Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'
* * *
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know that Newman was a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares.. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
* * *
His wife's grave side service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
* * *
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Cambridgenow
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Posted: Tue Oct 20th, 2009 10:45 pm |
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The 4 Basic Food Groups for Police Officers:
1.Glazed
2.Jelly
3.Powdered
4.Chocolate Frosted
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Cambridgenow
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Posted: Tue Oct 13th, 2009 12:55 am |
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Body Parts
A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head.
He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error.
"Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.
"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.
He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head.
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Dreamer27
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Posted: Tue Oct 6th, 2009 02:36 pm |
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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face .... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the s**t out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Just a couple of minutes ago'
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shillamus
Member
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Posted: Fri Oct 2nd, 2009 02:25 am |
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yakspy wrote: Ask the nurse to check the alcohol content is because you drank that 5th of Old Grandad last night.
and the english teacher on old grandad 2?
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yakspy
Member
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Posted: Fri Oct 2nd, 2009 01:55 am |
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| Ask the nurse to check the alcohol content is because you drank that 5th of Old Grandad last night.
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Owen Stanley McKenrick
Member
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Posted: Fri Oct 2nd, 2009 01:50 am |
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Top Ten Things To Do While Giving Bloodby Tina Mancuso and Paul Coen
10. Watch the bag fill.
9. Hyperventilate.
8. Pull the tube out of the bag and drink from it.
7. Race to see who fills their bag first (requires two or more people).
6. Puncture the bag near the top and see whether they pull the needle out of your arm before the blood squirts out.
5. While they're not looking, substitute a bag of orange liquid and complain they gave you too much Tang.
4. Insist that you want to give 2 pints.
3. Faint.
2. Tell them you saw the bag twitch.
1. Yell, "Hey, you used that needle on the last guy!"
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Owen Stanley McKenrick
Member
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Posted: Sat Sep 19th, 2009 08:12 pm |
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There is a positive side to Cash for Clunkers.
It’s taken seven hundred thousand (700,000) Obama bumper stickers off the road.
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Owen Stanley McKenrick
Member
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Posted: Fri Sep 18th, 2009 10:30 pm |
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"FLU UPDATE "
What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Wed Sep 16th, 2009 01:06 am |
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yakspy wrote: Farmer gettin down on the computer. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HItwu7PNdNo For some reason, I expected to see Kane West jump in the aquarium and toss the Gecko out.
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yakspy
Member
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Posted: Wed Sep 16th, 2009 01:02 am |
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| Farmer gettin down on the computer. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HItwu7PNdNo
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Wed Sep 16th, 2009 12:54 am |
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Yak passes on the fishing, goes on duck hunt.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSSrJWOjias&feature=related
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Cobra_121
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Posted: Tue Sep 15th, 2009 11:51 pm |
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Awwwwwww, feeel the love. I love my wife very much and you are rigth, don't matter who caught who, it working out wonderfully.
Now go fishin. lol.
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yakspy
Member
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Posted: Tue Sep 15th, 2009 11:11 pm |
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Cobra's favorite song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ogFlwkM594
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Cobra_121
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Posted: Tue Sep 15th, 2009 11:09 pm |
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Cobra buys LL lunch........really
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uisuo4tRfR0
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Cobra_121
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Posted: Tue Sep 15th, 2009 11:02 pm |
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMPuIowSBvY&NR=1
Kurbio fishing off his pier
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Cobra_121
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Posted: Tue Sep 15th, 2009 10:56 pm |
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Yak fishin' on the Blackwater
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-1at1yk26BU
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yakspy
Member
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Posted: Tue Sep 15th, 2009 10:17 pm |
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| Farmers new boat. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=naiPuBY_40I
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yakspy
Member
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Posted: Tue Sep 15th, 2009 04:06 am |
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| Farmer auditioning for new chicken nugget commercial. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGWvRyau1yE Last edited on Tue Sep 15th, 2009 04:07 am by yakspy
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yakspy
Member
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Posted: Sun Sep 13th, 2009 04:13 am |
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| Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella. The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it isn't going to rain in the desert?" To which the guy with the umbrella replies, "Yeah”, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don’t even have a car to go with it” The guy with the car door says, "yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!"
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OLD McDONALDS FARM
Member
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Posted: Tue Sep 8th, 2009 12:28 pm |
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| Board Taylors Island House wife. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Me12v4pSDRQ
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yakspy
Member
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Posted: Sun Sep 6th, 2009 12:09 pm |
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MD: man fires cannon, hits neighbor's house
Taylors Island, MD. (YN) -- A Maryland history buff who recreates firearms from old wars and junk he finds on the local dump, accidentally fired a 6-pound cannonball through the wall of his neighbor's home. William The Cannonball Smith, 54, fired a cannonball Wednesday evening outside his home near Slaughter Creek that ricocheted and hit a house 400 yards away. The cannonball, about six inches in diameter, smashed through a window and a wall before knocking a bottle of Jack Daniels off a table and landing in a closet. Authorities said nobody was hurt. But the neighbour was distraught about his Jack Daniels being taken out.
State police charged Cannonball with reckless endangerment, criminal mischief and disorderly conduct.
No one answered the phone Friday at Cannonballs home. He told Yak-TV recreating 19th century cannons is a longtime hobby. He said he is sorry and he will stop shooting them at his pain in the ass neighbours, about 93 miles southeast of Washington DC.Last edited on Sun Sep 6th, 2009 12:11 pm by yakspy
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yakspy
Member
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Posted: Sat Sep 5th, 2009 04:34 pm |
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yakspy
Member
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Posted: Sat Sep 5th, 2009 03:56 pm |
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| http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KvrIKrK1Xso
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Choptank Dude
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Posted: Sat Aug 29th, 2009 12:08 pm |
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| http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsjvhmpVFKo
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You Dummy
Member
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Posted: Fri Aug 28th, 2009 10:23 am |
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bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
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im happy
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Posted: Tue Aug 25th, 2009 05:04 pm |
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| http://www.free-funny-jokes.com/-/funny-pictures
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im happy
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Posted: Tue Aug 25th, 2009 05:03 pm |
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| http://www.free-funny-jokes.com/-/bar-jokes
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im happy
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Posted: Tue Aug 25th, 2009 05:02 pm |
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| http://www.free-funny-jokes.com/-/yo-mamas
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im happy
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Posted: Tue Aug 25th, 2009 05:01 pm |
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| http://www.free-funny-jokes.com/-/sex-jokes
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im happy
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Posted: Tue Aug 25th, 2009 04:57 pm |
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| http://www.free-funny-jokes.com/you-might-be-an-redneck.html
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im happy
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Posted: Tue Aug 25th, 2009 04:54 pm |
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im happy wrote: http://www.free-funny-jokes.com/black-jokes-one-liners.html http://www.free-funny-jokes.com/white-jokes.html
http://www.free-funny-jokes.com/-/racist-jokes
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im happy
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Posted: Tue Aug 25th, 2009 04:46 pm |
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| http://www.free-funny-jokes.com/black-jokes-one-liners.html http://www.free-funny-jokes.com/white-jokes.html Last edited on Tue Aug 25th, 2009 04:50 pm by im happy
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Wed Aug 19th, 2009 09:52 am |
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bad advice 2
Walking past the Royal Courts of Justice one day, a man spotted a friend of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried in his hands. "What's the matter?" he asked of his friend, "Did your lawyer give you bad advice ..?"
"No - it's worse than that," replied the friend between sobs, " he sold it to me..."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Aug 15th, 2009 10:28 am |
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appeal
An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven.
But not at all happy with his accommodations, he complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.
The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.
The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.
The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.
When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sun Aug 9th, 2009 10:45 am |
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A New York Lawyer
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Aug 8th, 2009 12:30 pm |
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New Bowling Rules
Supplemental Rules for Bowling
If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs".
When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance.
After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.
When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.
After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is Fair".
If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.
A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Fri Aug 7th, 2009 11:46 am |
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An Honest Lawyer
An investment counsellor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realised she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive..... And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
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nsas64
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Posted: Fri Aug 7th, 2009 04:17 am |
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Hey we need new jokes...please!!! ha It's alot better then some of the other topics.
Natalie
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Jul 30th, 2009 12:49 pm |
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| . Attachment: grizzly-bear-warning.jpg (Downloaded 221 times)
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Jul 30th, 2009 12:06 pm |
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A Kind Lawyer
One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Tue Jul 28th, 2009 09:57 am |
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A Kind Lawyer
One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Mon Jul 27th, 2009 11:49 am |
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Choices, Choices
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Fri Jul 24th, 2009 11:38 am |
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At The Pearly Gates
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, "1,228."
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Jul 23rd, 2009 06:36 am |
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Contract With The Devil
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Wed Jul 22nd, 2009 10:45 am |
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Bad Investment
Shultz, a lawyer, bribed a man on the jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the prosecution.
The jury was out for nearly a week before they returned to court with the manslaughter verdict.
When Shultz paid the juror, he asked him if it had been hard to persuade the other jurors to get the charge of manslaughter.
"Sure did," the juror replied, "all the others wanted to acquit him."
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