| Author | Post |
|---|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Thu Jun 11th, 2009 10:15 am |
|
The Other Side
Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear.
One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.
"Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!"
"Not now! I'm eating."
"Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important."
"No way."
"Please. It's urgent."
So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.
"Well, rabbit," he panted. "What did you want to tell me?"
"Hey, Teddy," the rabbit began, "look how many berries are on the other side of the river."
|
Dreamer27
Member
| Joined: | Fri May 22nd, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 658 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 11th, 2009 03:30 am |
|
Just replied to you , by pm 
|
Pete Macinta
Member
|
Posted: Thu Jun 11th, 2009 02:39 am |
|
dreamer please check for a PM from me
|
Dreamer27
Member
| Joined: | Fri May 22nd, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 658 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 11th, 2009 02:37 am |
|
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
********
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I tol d the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office!
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
****
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight sta rted ..
****
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
****
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started .....
****
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And then the fight started.....
****
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Wed Jun 10th, 2009 09:53 am |
|
Lion Tamer
wo unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"Well, then I pick up some of the s**t that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no s**t in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some s**t on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Tue Jun 9th, 2009 09:11 am |
|
Vampire bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
|
Owen Stanley McKenrick
Member
|
Posted: Mon Jun 8th, 2009 11:18 am |
|
Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
|
nsas64
Member
| Joined: | Sat Mar 1st, 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 471 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 8th, 2009 10:33 am |
|
I don't understand why every topic has to have bull crap on it. This is a joke thread.... just leave it at that!
Natalie
|
not i
Member
| Joined: | Wed Dec 10th, 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 84 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 8th, 2009 02:39 am |
|
Chili Taster
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is..
They actually have a chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around... It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza .
Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster named Farmer, who was visiting
from Dorchester County , MD
Farmer: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy;
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1: MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank): Holy s**t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2: AUSTIN’S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3: Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3: FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2: A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3: Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting s**t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4: BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5: LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
CHILI # 6: VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s**t on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7: SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8: BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1: The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3: No Report
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Sun Jun 7th, 2009 11:52 am |
|
From A Mother With Love
Dear Child,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
|
nsas64
Member
| Joined: | Sat Mar 1st, 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 471 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 4th, 2009 10:46 am |
|
corn nugget wrote: At any given moment in the world....... .......
FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old timer is reading newszap.
You hang in there, Sunshine.
So funny and soooo true!!!! ha
Natalie
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Thu Jun 4th, 2009 10:35 am |
|
Lawyer Joke
Billing
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
|
corn nugget
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Wed Jun 3rd, 2009 05:12 pm |
|
At any given moment in the world....... .......
FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old timer is reading newszap.
You hang in there, Sunshine.
Last edited on Wed Jun 3rd, 2009 05:17 pm by
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Wed Jun 3rd, 2009 10:13 am |
|
Advantages Of Being A Woman
Why it's better to be a Woman!
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
|
law_girl428
Member
|
Posted: Mon Jun 1st, 2009 04:22 pm |
|
4thekids wrote:
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
4 --- good laugh! I haven't heard that one before --- thanks for sharing!
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Mon Jun 1st, 2009 09:56 am |
|
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Sun May 31st, 2009 10:30 pm |
|
A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Thu May 28th, 2009 01:32 am |
|
The Offer
A millionaire throws a massive party for his fiftieth birthday. During the party, he's a bit bored and decides to stir things up a bit. He grabs the mic and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. He offers anything he owns to anyone who will swim across that pool.
The party continues for some time with no one accepting his offer, until suddenly there's a loud splash. All the party guests run to the pool to see what has happened, and in the pool a man is frantically swimming as hard as he can. Fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and the guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining, but the guy manages to reach the end and he leaps out of the pool, soaked.
The millionaire grabs the mic and says, "I am a man of his word, anything of mine I will give—-for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So, what will it be?" the millionaire asks.
The guy grabs the mic and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the person that pushed me in!"
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Wed May 27th, 2009 10:12 am |
|
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
|
imagine
Member
| Joined: | Tue Mar 17th, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 210 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Sun May 24th, 2009 05:50 pm |
|
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
|
Farmer
Member
|
Posted: Mon May 18th, 2009 02:08 pm |
|
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide'. The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide? 'The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
|
nsas64
Member
| Joined: | Sat Mar 1st, 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 471 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Sun May 17th, 2009 10:05 pm |
|
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".
"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
" Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right.. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.
Let's see.....where did I put that useless boob?"
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?
|
Nose
Member
| Joined: | Sat Mar 28th, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 214 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Sun May 17th, 2009 03:06 am |
|
Nose wrote:
 Jokes to offend EVERYONE
(If you are offended easily do not read)
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?
A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time .." -
A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t.....
|
Nose
Member
| Joined: | Sat Mar 28th, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 214 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Sun May 17th, 2009 03:05 am |
|
|
poundhound
Member
| Joined: | Fri Aug 3rd, 2007 |
| Location: | Maryland USA |
| Posts: | 987 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Sun May 17th, 2009 01:51 am |
|
| This actually happened. I was with some friends in D.C. not long ago and while driving down Florida Ave. we passed a restaurant called the "Ethiopian Restaurant". As we were going by one of my buddies said "Isn't that a contradiction in terms? I bet there isn't much on the menu in there!!"
|
RayRay
Member
| Joined: | Sun Mar 22nd, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 213 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Sun May 17th, 2009 12:55 am |
|
---
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came
upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over
the menu...
+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $250.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why
such a price difference for the Politician?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of s**t, it takes all morning
|
NotFooled
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Sat May 16th, 2009 09:09 pm |
|
Attorney Joke....
Priest and Attorney walking down the street. Priest sees a young boy on the other side of the road and says to the attorney,
"Hey want to go screw that little boy over there?"
Attorney says, "Sure, screw him out of what!"
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Sat May 16th, 2009 09:00 pm |
|
Left and Right
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.
A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right.
Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.
Then he starting leaning forward.
This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.
About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"
"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart!"
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Fri May 15th, 2009 11:46 pm |
|
Relationship Joke
Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
|
Hobnobbing
Member
|
Posted: Fri May 15th, 2009 10:54 pm |
|
"BAIL EM OUT! ????]
Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.. They failed and it closed. Now weʼre trusting the economy of our country and our banking system to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!" No comment necessary!!
--
Last edited on Fri May 15th, 2009 11:01 pm by Hobnobbing
|
law_girl428
Member
|
Posted: Wed May 13th, 2009 01:21 pm |
|
Why I fired my Secretary.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning,
let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought...Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me. I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We?
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind? She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment; it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, [size=]
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back.
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my wife,
my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch...
Naked..
|
Mom of Two
Member
| Joined: | Mon Apr 30th, 2007 |
| Location: | Cambridge, USA |
| Posts: | 406 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Wed May 13th, 2009 11:12 am |
|
Getting Older
Dear Grandson:
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen everyday.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention.
When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.
Love, Grandma
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"
|
Farmer
Member
|
Posted: Tue May 12th, 2009 05:21 pm |
|
IT WAS ONCE SAID THAT A BLACK MAN WOULD BECOME PRESIDENT WHEN PIGS FLEW!
WELL, BEHOLD! ONE HUNDRED DAYS INTO HIS PRESIDENCY..... SWINE FLU!
|
Mom of Two
Member
| Joined: | Mon Apr 30th, 2007 |
| Location: | Cambridge, USA |
| Posts: | 406 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Mon May 11th, 2009 11:25 pm |
|
The $40,000 Funeral
Larry died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah turned to her oldest and dearest friend. "Well, I'm sure Larry would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Sarah. "Forty-thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?"
Sarah answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"
"Four and a half carats..."
|
GRANDPAPPY
Member
| Joined: | Fri Oct 3rd, 2008 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 56 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Mon May 11th, 2009 12:22 pm |
|
Two Ladies in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer…. We'd both still be alive.
|
GRANDPAPPY
Member
| Joined: | Fri Oct 3rd, 2008 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 56 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Mon May 11th, 2009 12:11 pm |
|
Loving Husband”
An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'. The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the old b**ch what it is!'
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Thu May 7th, 2009 10:21 am |
|
A Missouri Sheriff
A Missouri Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural MO and talks with an old farmer.
He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'
The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The Sheriff verbally explodes saying, ‘Mister, I have the authority of the
Sheriffs Department with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and
removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer.
'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..on
]any land. No questions asked or answers given.
Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old farmer nods politely and Goes about his chores.
Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running
For his life and close behind is the farmer's bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The
Sheriff is clearly terrified.
The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the
fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
'Your badge! Show him your badge
|
Mom of Two
Member
| Joined: | Mon Apr 30th, 2007 |
| Location: | Cambridge, USA |
| Posts: | 406 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Wed Apr 29th, 2009 11:08 am |
|
One For You, One For Me
On the outskirts of town, there was huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery."
He cycled down the road fast as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The man said, "Shooo, you brat, can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is."
But after several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."
Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Wed Apr 29th, 2009 01:23 am |
|
The Devil made me post this one ...
Runs in the Family
A man walks into the bar and orders three double-shots of vodka.
The bartender asks, "that's a lot of liquor, what's the problem?"
The man replies, "I just found out my younger brother was gay."
The next day, he comes back and orders the same thing. The bartender asks, "What's wrong now?"
The man says, "I just found out that my older brother is gay."
The next day, he comes in again, and orders the same thing. The bartender asks, "Man, isn't there anyone in your family that likes women?"
He replies, "yeah, my wife."
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Wed Apr 29th, 2009 01:00 am |
|
Modern Day Genie
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst.
He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There’s a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
“Well, cowboy,” says the genie… “You know how I work….You have three wishes.”
“I’m not falling for this.” said the cowboy.. “I’m not going to trust a FEMA genie.”
“What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
“OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
“OK, cowpoke, what’s your second wish.”
“My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.”
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
“OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says…
“I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything…………there’s going to be a string attached.
|
itsme
Member
| Joined: | Mon Nov 26th, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 332 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Mon Apr 27th, 2009 01:51 pm |
|
Annoying Things to Do in an Elevator
- Walk on with a cooler that is labeled "HUMAN HEAD" on the side.
- Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
- Crack open your briefcase of purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?
- Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
- When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
- Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
- Meow occasionally.
- Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
- Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM" and back away slowly.
- Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
- Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
- Annouce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
- Say "Ding" at each floor.
- Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.
- Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
- Stare, grinning at another passenger for awhile, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
- When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
- Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."
- When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
- Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
- Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
- Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
- Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
- Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
- Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
- Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
- Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
- Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
- Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
- Ask, "Did you feel that?"
- Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
- When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
- Swat at flies that don't exist.
- Tell people that you can see their aura.
- Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
- Shave.
- On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
- Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
- When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now... motion sickness!"
- Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
- Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
- Leave a box between the doors.
- Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.
- Start a sing-along.
- One word: Flatulence!
- Do Tai Chi exercises
- When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, d**n motion sickness!"
- Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
- If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
- Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
- Bring a chair along.
- Lean against the button panel.
- While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
- Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Sat Apr 25th, 2009 07:46 pm |
|
101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
|
nsas64
Member
| Joined: | Sat Mar 1st, 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 471 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Wed Apr 22nd, 2009 08:36 pm |
|
To Be 6 Again...]
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday..
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to SixFlags! theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide,
the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dummy!!!
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening,
he is gonna get it wrong.
|
Mom of Two
Member
| Joined: | Mon Apr 30th, 2007 |
| Location: | Cambridge, USA |
| Posts: | 406 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Wed Apr 22nd, 2009 11:11 am |
|
Adam's Rib
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Austin seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of Adam's rib. Later in the week, Wendy, his mother, noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, "Austin, what's the matter?" Little Austin responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
|
countrygal
Member
| Joined: | Wed Mar 12th, 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 521 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Mon Apr 20th, 2009 08:37 pm |
|
[size=The Proper Way to Come Home Drunk;]
[size=Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one; turns to the
other and says, 'You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
"get to the driveway". "I shut off the engine and coast into the garage"
and take my shoes off before I go into the house. I sneak up the stairs,
and get undressed in the bathroom. Then I stick my foot in the toilet
and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I tiptoe into the
bedroom and ease into bed. My wife STILL wakes up, and yells at me for
staying out so late!'
]
[size=His friend looks at him and says, Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my
shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap
her on the ass and shout, WHO'S HORNY?????!!! And she acts like she's
sound asleep!! It works every time!!!
]
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Sun Apr 19th, 2009 05:41 am |
|
The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Mon Apr 6th, 2009 08:01 pm |
|
Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Sun Apr 5th, 2009 12:29 pm |
|
Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
|
NotFooled
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Sat Apr 4th, 2009 04:23 pm |
|
What did Jim Bowie say when he looked over the wall at the Alamo?
Who called all the roofers?
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Sat Apr 4th, 2009 05:09 am |
|
Quick Check
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha' you cannot resist passing it on!
|
Current time is 01:10 am | Page:   1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 ...   |
|
|
|