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Corn Nugget
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| Joined: | Wed Feb 14th, 2007 |
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| Posts: | 1135 |
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Posted: Thu Mar 13th, 2008 11:43 pm |
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HOW WE GOT HERE...
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"
The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."
Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."
The confused girl returns to her mother and says: "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God, and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"
The mother answers: "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family and your father told you about his side."
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4thekids
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Posted: Tue Mar 11th, 2008 09:57 am |
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Help
Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway. After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."
A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving feature known as "hibernate." Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked.
Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.
A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer - the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace - was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a "window" to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.
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4thekids
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Posted: Mon Mar 10th, 2008 11:07 pm |
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Eyewitness
A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money. Once he
was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, 'Did you see
me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man,
'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Mon Mar 10th, 2008 10:06 am |
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After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough(they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sun Mar 9th, 2008 11:41 am |
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Messing with the Mafia
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell.....that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
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Mom of Two
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| Joined: | Mon Apr 30th, 2007 |
| Location: | Cambridge, USA |
| Posts: | 99 |
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Posted: Sat Mar 8th, 2008 02:02 pm |
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Gonna Be a Bear
In this life, I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definately deal with that.
If you're mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup, gonna be a bear!
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4thekids
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Posted: Sat Mar 8th, 2008 05:34 am |
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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
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shillamus
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Posted: Fri Mar 7th, 2008 09:41 pm |
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Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Mar 6th, 2008 10:30 am |
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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice.
"I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man.
"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
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4thekids
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Posted: Wed Mar 5th, 2008 09:23 am |
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Penny Stocks
What's the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying a penny stock?
In the first case, you help finance the local community swimming pool
In the second case, you help finance the stock promoters' home pool.
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law_girl428
Member
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Posted: Tue Mar 4th, 2008 07:53 pm |
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poundhound wrote: law_girl428 wrote: [size=GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008
New Rules
Sorry...I know this has been going around the Internet for a while but we can't give George credit for these. These are Bill Maher's New Rules! Bloody good none the less!!!!
Well then....and here I thought it was "go George!" Oh well..."go Bill" I'll pass the info along to "my source".
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poundhound
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| Joined: | Fri Aug 3rd, 2007 |
| Location: | Maryland USA |
| Posts: | 341 |
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Posted: Tue Mar 4th, 2008 07:51 pm |
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law_girl428 wrote: [size=GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008
New Rules
Sorry...I know this has been going around the Internet for a while but we can't give George credit for these. These are Bill Maher's New Rules! Bloody good none the less!!!!
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law_girl428
Member
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Posted: Tue Mar 4th, 2008 07:42 pm |
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[size=GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008
New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for
you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out of a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger
was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a
dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If
you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored
water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
flavored water.
New Rule:
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now
the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his
ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
the Social Security crisis.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If
you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,
extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' oo
ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering My PIN, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who
is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond
Joy.
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make
you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to G-d you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting?'
New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll
go nuts and eat two.
New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television show in the first
place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule:
And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I
zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had
sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be
there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your
webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27
months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays
better than Minimum wage, then for G-d's sake don't pierce or tattoo
every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around
saying, 'Do you want fries with that?']
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ISLANDER
Member
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Posted: Tue Mar 4th, 2008 05:55 pm |
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Never choke in a restaurant in the South
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having
a shot of whiskey, they talk
about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who
is eating a sandwich, begins to
cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes
apparent that she is in real
distress. One of the hillbillies looks at
her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes
her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts
up her dress, yanks down her
drawers and quickly gives her right butt
cheek a lick with his tongue. The
woman is so shocked that she has a violent
spasm and the obstruction flies
out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe
again, the Hillbilly walks
slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of
that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver'
but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
If you don't send this to five friends, there
will be five fewer people
laughing in the world!!
* I don't think ma had this in mind when
she says you should always wear
clean underwear when you go out.*
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Tue Mar 4th, 2008 10:53 am |
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10 ways you know you are a Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"
And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Mon Mar 3rd, 2008 02:16 pm |
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Data Statement
"The primary purpose of the Data statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable Pi can be given that value with a Data statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change" - Fortran manual for Xerox Computers.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sun Mar 2nd, 2008 09:42 am |
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Travel ExpensesA businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.
The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"
The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Mar 1st, 2008 05:37 pm |
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The Slow Golfer
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Generally, he was driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
His partner ponders this for a moment, and then replies:
"Forget it man, you don`t stand a snowball`s chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
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Mom of Two
Member
| Joined: | Mon Apr 30th, 2007 |
| Location: | Cambridge, USA |
| Posts: | 99 |
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Posted: Sat Mar 1st, 2008 01:17 pm |
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Cross Examination
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Mar 1st, 2008 11:27 am |
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Q: What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A: A teddy boar!
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Fri Feb 29th, 2008 09:49 pm |
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Two Government Economists
Two government economists were returning home from a field meeting. As with all government travelers, they were assigned the cheapest seats on the plane so they each were occupying the center seat on opposite sides of the aisle. They continued their discussion of the knotty problem that had been the subject of their meeting through takeoff and meal service until finally one of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to trade places so they could talk and he could sleep. After switching seats, one economist remarked to the other that it was the first time an economic discussion ever kept anyone awake.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Feb 28th, 2008 11:35 pm |
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An Atheist was walking through the woods
"What majestic trees!
"What powerful rivers!
"What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.He turned to look and he saw a 7 foot Grizzly charge towards him.
He looked again, and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment the Atheist cried out
"Oh myGod!..............."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came outof the sky,"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit the creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of the predicament?"."Am I to count on you as a believer?".
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It wouldbe hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat meas a Christian now, but could you perhaps make the BEAR a Christian?".
"Very Well", said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke,
"Lord bless this food, which we are about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord. Amen"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Feb 28th, 2008 10:11 pm |
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The Young Actor
Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Feb 28th, 2008 08:02 am |
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Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?
Pupil: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening!
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Wed Feb 27th, 2008 11:31 pm |
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The Devoted Wife
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What, my dear?" she asked gently.
"You're a goddamn jinx!"
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Wed Feb 27th, 2008 06:19 pm |
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.
Attachment: dre0990l.jpg (Downloaded 284 times)
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Wed Feb 27th, 2008 09:44 am |
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An accountant appears at Saint Peter's gate
Saint Peter starts asking him all the usual questions required to get into heaven.
The accountant, it seems, has repeatedly helped people cheat on their taxes and embezzle funds. Finally, in exasperation, St Peter asks, "Well, have you ever done anything good, anything totally unselfish and altruistic in your entire life?" "Well," says the accountant, "Once I saw this pretty lady being beaten up and about to be raped by a bunch of bikers. So I yelled "Hey jerks, why don't you pick on somebody your own size" and I then kicked all their hogs over, all six of em, and took off running. They forgot about her for a second and she managed to run also.
Saint Peter asks, "I'm looking through the book of your life, and Idon't see this incident recorded. When did it occur?"
The accountant replies, "About five minutes ago."
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IsThatRight
Member
| Joined: | Mon Feb 20th, 2006 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 312 |
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Posted: Wed Feb 27th, 2008 04:19 am |
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Last edited on Wed Feb 27th, 2008 04:24 am by IsThatRight
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Tue Feb 26th, 2008 10:39 pm |
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function.
He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean an pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping, "Love you!!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am , drunk and out of your mind.
You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, b*tch, I'm married!!!"
Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time...
Priceless!
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Tue Feb 26th, 2008 12:41 pm |
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She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the "T" shirt that she normally slept in.
As he walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought,"I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all;
right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her "T" shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
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shillamus
Member
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Posted: Tue Feb 26th, 2008 10:04 am |
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A woman is on her first visit to a psychiatrist...
"Doc.. I think I am a nymphomaniac"
The doctor replies "I can help you but my rates are $75 an hour"
The woman replies... "Hom much for the whole night?"
(snare drum roll and cymbal crash please)
good morning 4TK, does a joke a day lead to a superb life?
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Tue Feb 26th, 2008 09:45 am |
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Q: What's the difference between a hillbilly wedding and a hillbilly funeral?
A: There's one less drunk at the funeral.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Mon Feb 25th, 2008 11:41 am |
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The old adage that "It takes a thief to catch a thief" may indeed be true.
But these days there's a 3rd thief involved pleading the case -- the lawyer.
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Civil Law9
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| Joined: | Tue Nov 29th, 2005 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 362 |
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Posted: Sun Feb 24th, 2008 09:50 pm |
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A priest and a surfer walk into a bar.
The priest says "Hey, have you ever been on Newszap?"
The surfer says "Yea, those people are stupid."
A waterman interrupts their conversation in his community's defense.
Both the priest and surfer dismiss the waterman because he is scantily clad in cut off jean shorts and a mesh tank-top.
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Mom of Two
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| Location: | Cambridge, USA |
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Posted: Sun Feb 24th, 2008 08:34 pm |
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GOD is Busy
Gotta love those Marines!
If you don't know GOD doesn't make stupid remarks!!!!!!!
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.
He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me."
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Gordy
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Posted: Sun Feb 24th, 2008 07:33 pm |
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A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
Last edited on Sun Feb 24th, 2008 07:35 pm by Gordy
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Mom of Two
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| Location: | Cambridge, USA |
| Posts: | 99 |
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Posted: Sun Feb 24th, 2008 02:41 pm |
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Male assertiveness
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sun Feb 24th, 2008 11:42 am |
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Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?"
Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"
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Gordy
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Posted: Sun Feb 24th, 2008 06:25 am |
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Wrong email address
This one is priceless... Wrong email address. A lesson
to be learnedfrom typing the wrong email address!!!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw
out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to
stay at the same hotel where they spent their
honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to
coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband
left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday,
with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a
computer in his room, so he decided to send an
email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out
one letter in her email address, and without
realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile,
somewhere in Houston , a widow had just
returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack. The widow decided to
check her email expecting messages from relatives
and friends. After reading the first message, she
screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed
into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They
have computers here now and you are allowed
to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I've seen
that everything has been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine
was. P.S. - Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
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EasUrnShor
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| Joined: | Fri Sep 30th, 2005 |
| Location: | Maryland USA |
| Posts: | 113 |
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Posted: Sun Feb 24th, 2008 01:15 am |
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Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom
and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another
patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom
with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's
dead.
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
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Jlivin
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| Joined: | Thu Jan 17th, 2008 |
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Posted: Sat Feb 23rd, 2008 01:25 pm |
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A man sitting on a plane, notices the ring being worn by the woman seated next to him. After a while, he couldn't stand it anymore and said "I just can't help but notice that fantastic diamond ring you are wearing"
She replied - "Oh do you like it? It's the Plockman Diamond, but it comes with a terrible curse"
"A Curse! That is terrible, what is the curse?" he asked
"Mr Plockman" She answered
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Feb 23rd, 2008 01:12 pm |
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Receptionist: 'Dr. Wynazonski is waiting for you.'
Patient: 'Which doctor?'
Receptionist: 'Oh, no, he's fully qualified.'
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Fri Feb 22nd, 2008 04:58 pm |
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Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I don't remember."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Fri Feb 22nd, 2008 12:14 pm |
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Even though I was an engineering student at the University of Maryland, chemistry was a required course in my day. The Professor, on the first day of class, asked everyone to name the most outstanding contribution chemistry had made to society.
When my turn came, I answered, "Blondes!"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Fe | | |