| Author | Post |
|---|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Fri Apr 3rd, 2009 07:26 pm |
|
New prefix
If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them:
Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes
Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes
Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males
Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait
Bimbag - a blonde's purse
Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag
Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes
Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes
Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard
Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything
Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook
Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her
Bimboette - a young blonde
Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else
Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes
Bimboozle - to fool a blonde
Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence
Bimbozo - another name for a blonde
Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes
Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde
Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is
Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall
|
Mom of Two
Member
| Joined: | Mon Apr 30th, 2007 |
| Location: | Cambridge, USA |
| Posts: | 406 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Fri Apr 3rd, 2009 11:11 am |
|
Yesterday (yes, to the tune of song with the same name)
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Fri Apr 3rd, 2009 01:23 am |
|
Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Wed Apr 1st, 2009 08:21 pm |
|
Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
|
NotFooled
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Wed Apr 1st, 2009 01:14 am |
|
Why do cats get hooked on catnip?
Because they can't hold a bong......
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Wed Apr 1st, 2009 12:34 am |
|
Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Mon Mar 30th, 2009 12:16 pm |
|
0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Sun Mar 29th, 2009 06:03 pm |
|
Why British wear Red
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the
French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters,
the French general began to question him.
The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats?
Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot
at?"
In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason
English
officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show
and the
men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown
pants.
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Thu Mar 26th, 2009 11:42 pm |
|
Subject: New Ice Cream
> >
> > In honor of the 44th President of the United States,
> > Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has issued a new flavor,
> > "Barocky Road".
> >
> > Barocky Road is a blend of half Vanilla, half Chocolate,
> > and surrounded by Nuts and Flakes.
> >
> > The Vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertized and
> > usulally denied as an ingredient.
> >
> > The Nuts and Flakes are all very bitter and hard to
> > swallow.
> >
> > The cost is $100.00 a scoop.
> >
> > When purchased it will be presented to you in a large
> > beautiful cone, but then the Ice Cream is taken away and
> > given to the person in line behind you.
> >
> > Thus, you are left with an empty Wallet, no change, holding
> > an empty cone, with no hope of getting any Ice Cream.
> > Aren't you feeling stimulated?
> >
> > Now go out and buy some!!!!!!
>
|
Farmer
Member
|
Posted: Thu Mar 26th, 2009 05:55 pm |
|
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles
on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has
happened.
The Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body is a 72 year old Frenchman.
He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous
smile."
"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand
dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol
poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi,
Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning. "
"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector..
"Thought she was having her picture taken."
|
Do The Right Thing
Banned
| Joined: | Sat Mar 14th, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 221 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 18th, 2009 05:21 am |
|
bump for a real topic,
4thekids I'm taking your advice and I'm trying....thank you from Blues wife and me.
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Wed Mar 18th, 2009 12:25 am |
|
Dear IRS,
I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to pay taxes owed April 15, but all is not lost. I have paid these taxes: Accounts receivable tax, building permit tax, CDL tax, cigarette tax, corporate income tax, dog licence tax, federal income tax, unemployment tax, gasoline tax, hunting licence tax, fishing licence tax, waterfowl
stamp tax, inheritance tax, inventory tax, liquor tax, luxury tax, medicare tax, city, school and county property tax (up 33 percent last 4 years), real estate tax, social security tax, road usage tax, toll road tax, state and city sales tax, recreational vehicle tax, state franchise tax, state unemployment tax, telephone federal excise tax,
telephone federal state and local surcharge tax, telephone minimum usage surcharge tax, telephone state and local tax, utility tax, vehicle licence registration tax, capitol gains tax, lease severance tax, oil and gas assessment tax, Colorado property tax, Texas, Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma and New Mexico sales tax, and many more that I can't recall but I have run out of space and money.
When you do not receive my check April 15, just know that it is an honest mistake. Please treat me the same way you treated:
Congressmen Charles Rangle, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank and ex-Congressman Tom Daschel and, of course, your boss Timothy Geithner.
......No penalties and no interest.
P.S. I will make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus check.
Ed Barnett,
Wichita Falls
|
Do The Right Thing
Banned
| Joined: | Sat Mar 14th, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 221 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Tue Mar 17th, 2009 11:52 am |
|
| Some members in the Maryland forums
|
Mom of Two
Member
| Joined: | Mon Apr 30th, 2007 |
| Location: | Cambridge, USA |
| Posts: | 406 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Tue Mar 17th, 2009 10:48 am |
|
Seeing Red, White and Blue
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Sat Mar 14th, 2009 12:50 am |
|
My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
|
Corn Nugget
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Fri Mar 13th, 2009 08:24 pm |
|
Very informative!
The Human Body
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
|
magna
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Fri Mar 13th, 2009 08:05 pm |
|
| . Attachment: MOHRYCA2VCWR3CAUTUYTHCAH0VCK8CAMRFSLDCA0H9TUECA7FWCMSCAF3HZMSCAFCZCDDCAAQ6N5ACANO2YU4CARVIRP2CAKSTXOSCAB4Q2EECA0ZUHIOCAPQGF35CAZNHS2LCA1IZLPMCAZMQRDKCA6SOABY.jpg (Downloaded 360 times) Last edited on Fri Mar 13th, 2009 08:20 pm by
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Fri Mar 13th, 2009 12:04 pm |
|
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Wed Mar 11th, 2009 03:14 am |
|
VOCABULARY WORD FOR THE DAY:
LIQUIDITY
Definition: Liquidity is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants.
|
Farmer
Member
|
Posted: Mon Mar 9th, 2009 06:24 pm |
|
ANNOUNCEMENT
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store
and play music. The i-Tit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup
and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Sun Mar 8th, 2009 03:36 am |
|
Subject: Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows, when the old man passes gas
and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown , tie score.'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha.
I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie
score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead
17 to 14.'
Now the pressure was on the old man.
He refuse to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat
is totally unacceptable,
he gives it everything he's got.
And accidently s**ts the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.'
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Sat Feb 28th, 2009 01:06 pm |
|
Smart Kid
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man
reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar
backwards... The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father ."
The little boy replied "My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up
from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book..
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
"Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar"
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Fri Feb 27th, 2009 12:39 am |
|
The Bacon Tree
Way back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen in days, when the pioneers saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree.
"Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I vouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" Asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."
The leader goes back and tells his people what the old Jew said.
"So why did he say not to go there?" A person asked. Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know the Jews - they have a thing about pork."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader, who manages to escape and get back to the old Jew.
Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."
The old man holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it.
"Oy, I made such a big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree...
"It vuz a ham bush."
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Thu Feb 26th, 2009 11:29 pm |
|
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on For some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Thu Feb 26th, 2009 12:39 am |
|
You don't have to be a teacher to appreciate this one!!
How true this is!
Subject: Teacher Applicant After being interviewed by the school
administration, the prospective teacher said:'Let me see if I've got this
right. 'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their
disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress
habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for
learning. 'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on
drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self
esteem and personal pride. 'You want me to teach them patriotism and good
citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote,
balance a checkbook, and apply for a job. 'You want me to check their heads
for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they
all pass the final exams.'You also want me to provide them with an equal
education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with
their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter,
telephone, newsletter, and report card. 'You want me to do all this with a
piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile,
and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.
'You want me to do all this and then you tell me. I CAN'T PRAY?
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Wed Feb 25th, 2009 11:15 pm |
|
Automatic-Confession
http://video.aol.com/video-detail/automatic-confessionwmv/4146873598
|
Farmer
Member
|
Posted: Wed Feb 25th, 2009 01:45 pm |
|
Word of the day LIQUIDITY
Definition: When you look at your retirement fund today... and wet your pants.
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Tue Feb 24th, 2009 10:46 pm |
|
If you want to know anything about the bible ask a child that goes to Sunday School every week. Then figure out what they are saying but don't ever laugh at them.
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of
Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included
frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of
Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a
big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we
don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for
Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution
|
Stormkitty
Member
|
Posted: Tue Feb 24th, 2009 09:50 pm |
|
Farmer wrote:
New Denny's Breakfast!!
In honor of the mother of the octuplets,
Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal:
"You get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and
the guy next to you has to pay the bill!
ROTFLMAO - That was funny!!!! Love it Farmer.
|
CRIMECRUNCHER
Member
|
Posted: Tue Feb 24th, 2009 05:51 pm |
|
What does a woman get thats long and hard when she marries a Polish guy??
HIS LAST NAME
|
Farmer
Member
|
Posted: Tue Feb 24th, 2009 03:22 pm |
|
New Denny's Breakfast!!
In honor of the mother of the octuplets,
Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal:
"You get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and
the guy next to you has to pay the bill!
Attachment: cat_shake.gif (Downloaded 358 times)
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Sun Feb 22nd, 2009 01:55 am |
|
President Obama is angrily calling for more federal tax increases. He just heard from his advisors that some American taxpayers weren't completely broke yet.
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Sat Feb 21st, 2009 02:35 am |
|
It's too bad that we can't buy stock in the federal tax system. With Obama as president that will be only thing sure to go up.
|
Farmer
Member
|
Posted: Sat Feb 21st, 2009 01:24 am |
|
4thekids wrote: A look at the Iraqi TV Guide. 
MONDAY
8:00 Husseinfeld
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 Allah McBeal
TUESDAY
8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
9:30 No-witness News
WEDNESDAY
8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy
9:00 Judge Saddam
9:30 (edited)
THURSDAY
8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi
8:30 Achmed's Creek
9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30 My Two Baghdads
FRIDAY
8:00 Just Shoot Me
8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
9:00 M*U*S*T* A*S*H
9:30 Veilwatch
You forgot "Who Wants To Be A...Martyr?"
|
kvvet
Member
| Joined: | Wed Jan 21st, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 310 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Sat Feb 21st, 2009 01:03 am |
|
4thekids wrote: Motherhood
>
>
>
> 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
> 2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,
> breathing didn't do a thing.
> 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
> ______________________________________________________
> The Layette:
> 1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and
> fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
> 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and
> discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
> 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
> ______________________________________________________
> Worries:
> 1st baby: At the first sign of d istress--a whimper, a frown--you pick
> up the baby
> 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
> firstborn.
> 3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
> swing
> ______________________________________________________
> Pacifier:
> 1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until yo
> u can go home and wash and boil it.
> 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with
> some juice from the baby's bottle.
> 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
> ______________________________________________________
> Diapering:
> 1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need
> it or not.
> 2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed
> 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to
> complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
> _______________________________________________________
> Activities:
> 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, Baby
> Zoo, Baby Movies and Baby Story Hour.
> 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
> 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.
> _____________________________________________ _________
> Going Out:
> 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
> home five times.
> 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to
> leave a number where you can be reached.
> 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she
> sees blood.
> ______________________________________________________
> At Home:
> 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
> 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older
> child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
> 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from
> the children
> ______________________________________________________
> Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
> 1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the
> hospital and demand x-rays
> 2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully
> watch for the coin to pass.
> 3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his
> allowance!
> ______________________________________________________
>And guess what you do when the child reaches the age of 19?
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Sat Feb 21st, 2009 12:46 am |
|
Based on his performance in office so far, President Obama should do just fine on his future tax returns. After all, he will be able to write off his second term.
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Fri Feb 20th, 2009 10:21 pm |
|
"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit Obama's national debt." -- Tip o'the hat to Herbert Hoover
|
MacMom
Member
| Joined: | Sat Mar 25th, 2006 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 2031 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Mon Feb 16th, 2009 04:53 pm |
|
Ha! It's true, every bit!
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Mon Feb 16th, 2009 04:38 pm |
|
Motherhood
>
>
>
> 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
> 2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,
> breathing didn't do a thing.
> 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
> ______________________________________________________
> The Layette:
> 1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and
> fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
> 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and
> discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
> 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
> ______________________________________________________
> Worries:
> 1st baby: At the first sign of d istress--a whimper, a frown--you pick
> up the baby
> 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
> firstborn.
> 3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
> swing
> ______________________________________________________
> Pacifier:
> 1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until yo
> u can go home and wash and boil it.
> 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with
> some juice from the baby's bottle.
> 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
> ______________________________________________________
> Diapering:
> 1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need
> it or not.
> 2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed
> 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to
> complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
> _______________________________________________________
> Activities:
> 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, Baby
> Zoo, Baby Movies and Baby Story Hour.
> 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
> 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.
> _____________________________________________ _________
> Going Out:
> 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
> home five times.
> 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to
> leave a number where you can be reached.
> 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she
> sees blood.
> ______________________________________________________
> At Home:
> 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
> 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older
> child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
> 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from
> the children
> ______________________________________________________
> Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
> 1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the
> hospital and demand x-rays
> 2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully
> watch for the coin to pass.
> 3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his
> allowance!
> ______________________________________________________
>
|
CZAR
Member
| Joined: | Sat Nov 22nd, 2008 |
| Location: | Uh1b |
| Posts: | 209 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Sun Feb 15th, 2009 02:24 pm |
|
The
Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race
again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered
the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get
rid
of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline
the
next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so
she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back
the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery .. .
even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and
live longer!
Have
a nice day!
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Fri Feb 13th, 2009 07:51 pm |
|
The election is over. It is time to repair friendships with the other party. Governor Sarah Palin is doing her part to do just that.
The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can kiss and make-up.
For instance, Gov. Palin has invited, to her great state of Alaska, the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden. She has set up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in their field to assist them.
Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt, Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins each evening, and Bill Clinton will entertain their wives and daughters.
What a lady! That Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything!
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Mon Feb 9th, 2009 09:58 pm |
|
A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana . He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, 'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings .'
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, 'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings .'
The bear, very angry now, says, 'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'
The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings '
The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.'
The bear says, 'I'm NOT on drugs.'
......... You're gonna love this........
The bartender says, 'You are now.
That was a barb**chyouate.'
|
IM IN JAIL
Member
| Joined: | Sun Jan 4th, 2009 |
| Location: | (USP) ATWATER, |
| Posts: | 96 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Sun Feb 8th, 2009 03:39 am |
|
One Sunday an old biker walks into church and sits down in the front row. As the preacher is beginning his sermon, the devil suddenly appears at the altar. The members of the congregation, including the preacher himself, flee the church in terror, all except for this one old biker in the front row.
The devil notices this one biker still in the church and walks down from the altar to confront him. He roars at the man, "Do you know who I am?"
"Why of course I know who you are," the man calmly replies. "You're Satan."
"And you're not afraid of me like the others?" the devil asks somewhat miffed.
To which the biker replies, "No. Why should I be? I've been married to your sister for the last 25 years." Last edited on Sun Feb 8th, 2009 03:40 am by IM IN JAIL
|
CZAR
Member
| Joined: | Sat Nov 22nd, 2008 |
| Location: | Uh1b |
| Posts: | 209 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Sat Feb 7th, 2009 09:59 pm |
|
Cup Holder
Caller: Hello, is this the Help Line?
HelpLine: Yes, it is. How may I help you?
Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?
HelpLine: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?
Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.
HelpLine: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?
Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it.
At this point the HelpLine operator realized that the caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
|
Mom of Two
Member
| Joined: | Mon Apr 30th, 2007 |
| Location: | Cambridge, USA |
| Posts: | 406 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Sat Jan 31st, 2009 11:31 pm |
|
You Know You're Growing Older When...
- Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.
- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
- You feel like you really hung one one the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.
- You get winded playing chess.
- Your children begin to look middle-aged.
- You join a health club and don't go.
- You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
- Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
- You look forward to a dull evening.
- Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!"
- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
- You're 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.
- You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
- Dialing long distance wears you out.
|
Farmer
Member
|
Posted: Sat Jan 31st, 2009 03:34 pm |
|
What will they think of next?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97ejk5NOrR8&feature=related
|
Farmer
Member
|
Posted: Wed Jan 28th, 2009 10:20 pm |
|
| Rumor has it, 1.8 million people went to D.C. for the inauguration. Only 14 actually missed work.
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Sat Jan 24th, 2009 07:05 pm |
|
CYANIDE
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like
to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's
different..... You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'
|
Farmer
Member
|
Posted: Sat Jan 24th, 2009 02:29 am |
|
"Doctor...it hurts when I do this!"
Response: " Well, don't do that."
|
4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Sat Jan 24th, 2009 02:03 am |
|
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wi ne is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, i f you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. Y ou should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
|
Current time is 09:49 pm | Page:   1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 ...   |
|
|
|