Attachment: pms-247.jpg (Downloaded 306 times)

?

?

?

?

I decide to water my garden. 


As I turn on the hose in the driveway, 

I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. 


As I start toward the garage, 

I notice mail on the porch table that 

I brought up from the mail box earlier. 


I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. 


I lay my car keys on the table, 

Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, 

And notice that the can is full. 


So, I decide to put the bills back 

On the table and take out the garbage first. 


But then I think, 

Since I'm going to be near the mailbox 

When I take out the garbage anyway, 

I may as well pay the bills first. 


I take my check book off the table, 

And see that there is only one check left. 


My extra checks are in my desk in the study, 

So I go inside the house to my desk where 

I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking. 


I'm going to look for my checks, 

But first I need to push the Coke aside 

So that I don't accidentally knock it over. 


The Coke is getting warm, 

And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. 


As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, 

A vase of flowers on the counter 

Catches my eye--they need water. 


I put the Coke on the counter and 

Discover my reading glasses that 

I've been searching for all morning. 


I decide I better put them back on my desk,

But first I'm going to water the flowers. 


I set the glasses back down on the counter, 

Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. 

Someone left it on the kitchen table. 


I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, 

I'll be looking for the remote, 

But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, 

So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, 

But first I'll water the flowers. 


I pour some water in the flowers, 

But quite a bit of it spills on the floor. 


So, I set the remote back on the table, 

Get some towels and wipe up the spill. 


Then, I head down the hall trying to 

Remember what I was planning to do. 


At the end of the day: 


The car isn't washed 


The bills aren't paid 


There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter 


The flowers don't have enough water, 


There is still only 1 check in my check book, 


I can't find the remote, 


I can't find my glasses, 


And I don't remember what I did with the car keys. 


Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, 

I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, 

And I'm really tired. 


I realize this is a serious problem, 

And I'll try to get some help for it, 

But first I'll check my e-mail.... 


Do me a favor. 

Forward this message to everyone you know, 

Because I don't remember who I've sent it to. 


Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

A man in Topeka , Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country.   He started by flying to

San Francisco and started working east from there.  Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and


making notes.
 
             He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read "Calls: $10,000 a


minute."  Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign.
 
             The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk

directly to GOD.
 
 The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle , Denver , St. Louis ,


Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign,   and the same answer


from each pastor.
 
 Finally, he arrived at the Eastern Shore of MD;  upon entering a church in Cambridge , behold - he saw the usual golden


telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 35 cents."   
             Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in areas all over this country and in each


church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk  to


GOD, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute.
Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?"
 
 I love this part.............................
 
             The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're on the Eastern Shore of MD now. This is God's Country. It's a local call." 
  
               


 

Attachment: Frosty.jpg (Downloaded 352 times)

Attachment: Missing-Elf-802.jpg (Downloaded 338 times)

Attachment: 104416.bmp (Downloaded 354 times)

Attachment: Redneck_gingerbreadhouse.jpg (Downloaded 348 times)

Attachment: rednecksleigh.jpg (Downloaded 340 times)

Attachment: HalloweenDem.bmp (Downloaded 416 times)

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man w hispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the
kid on the bike.
SMILE, God Loves You! 

 

 

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy & Billy Carter)

 

Ihad a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

 

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

-- Mark Twain

 

 

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

-- George Burns

 

 

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- - Victor Borge

 

  

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

-- Mark Twain

 

 By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

-- Socrates

 

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury

-- Groucho Marx

 

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

Alex Levine

 

 I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.

Then it's time for my nap.

-- Bob Hope

 

 

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

-- W.C. Fields

 

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

-- Will Rogers

 

Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you

-- Winston Churchill

 

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

-- Phyllis Diller

 

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere

-- Billy Crystal

 

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

 

Give me a sense of humor, Lord;

Give me the grace to see a joke,

To get some humor out of life,

And pass it on to other folk.

 

                                     Amen.