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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Feb 7th, 2008 04:26 pm |
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While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says
the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to
be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
A nd with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Every one gives him a he a rty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, y ou've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute,
then he answers: "Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean
heaven has been delightful, but
I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator
and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in
rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...
Today you voted."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Feb 7th, 2008 01:10 pm |
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There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.
He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark: $1
Knowing where to put it: $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Feb 7th, 2008 01:21 am |
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George W. Bush was out walking when he saw Moses.
"Hey, Moses! STOP!!" he yelled. But Moses walked on, ignoring him. After a few blocks, Bush caught up with him. "Moses, why didn't you stop and talk to me?" asked Bush. "Well,"
Moses replied, "the last time I talked to a bush, I wandered the desert for 40 years."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Tue Feb 5th, 2008 10:55 pm |
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Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.
"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"
They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.
They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.
"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Tue Feb 5th, 2008 12:38 pm |
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Subject: The Nail
Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Montana rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,
"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the
barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" So then the rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the
front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
Last edited on Tue Feb 5th, 2008 12:40 pm by Farmer
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Mon Feb 4th, 2008 09:53 pm |
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The Pianist
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag, pulls out a little man, about 9’ high, and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful Piece by Mozart!
'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish... Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!' The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want A million bucks!'
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soo followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your Genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks.'
'Ya Think!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?'
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Mon Feb 4th, 2008 03:57 pm |
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A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank God," returned Mr. Carr, "I thought you were going to want cash!"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Feb 2nd, 2008 11:18 pm |
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A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows.
"What a cute bunch of cows!" she remarked.
"Not a bunch, herd", her friend replied.
"Heard of what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Of course I've heard of cows."
"No, a cow herd."
"What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!"
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Fri Feb 1st, 2008 08:33 pm |
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During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Fri Feb 1st, 2008 06:15 pm |
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Senior Citizens Bus Trip
A senior citizens' group charters a bus from Tampa
Fl, to Branson , MO.
As they entered Missouri , an elderly woman comes up to
the driver and says, "I've just been molested!"
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a
dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and
claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load
of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and
says that she'd been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls
into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he
sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the
bus driver.
"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but
every time I try to grab it..., it runs away...!!"
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Thu Jan 31st, 2008 07:44 pm |
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| Too late, Hillary already ate it.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Jan 31st, 2008 07:41 pm |
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The winner in this year's $1 million prize in the Pillsbury Bake-Off is a Cream Cheese Brownie Pie created by Roberta Sonefeld from Hopkins, South Carolina. This pie is so rich; George W. Bush asked it for a campaign contribution.
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Thu Jan 31st, 2008 12:32 pm |
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A Republican cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Hillary
Clinton is attending, and trying to gather more support for her
nomination. Once she discovers the cowboy is a Republican, she starts
to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable
words.
As she was doing that, she kept swatting at some flies that were
buzzing around her head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem
with them circle flies?"
She stopped talking and said, "Well yes, if that's what they're
called. But I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well ma'am," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches.
They're called circle flies because they're almost always found
circling around the back end of a horse."
"Oh," Hillary replies as she goes back to rambling. But, a moment
later she stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"
"No, ma'am," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for citizens
of New York to call their Senator a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," she responds and begins rambling on once more.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool
them flies though."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Jan 31st, 2008 12:15 pm |
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A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.
"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Red Sox."
"Why's that?"
"Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Mon Jan 28th, 2008 07:14 pm |
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Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a blonde sitting by herself :
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they open!"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Mon Jan 28th, 2008 12:46 am |
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A guy stopped his car outside a farmhouse and asked the farmer whether he could use his toilet.
"Sure you can Fella, but I gotta warn you - it's a bit of a mess." Replied the farmer, "My wife takes salts you see."
The guy made his way to the toilet at the back of the yard. When he entered he saw that the farmer wasn't exaggerating. The ceiling, floors, wall and toilet were totally covered in shit. He used it anyway and made his escape outside as quickly as possible, but stopped to thank the farmer.
"By the way," asked the guy, "What kind of salts does you wife take?"
"Er, somersaults!" replied the farmer.
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schwarzstop
Member
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Posted: Thu Jan 24th, 2008 01:54 pm |
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At a high School in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school.
Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats. 1, 2, 4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.
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easternshoreman
Member
| Joined: | Tue Aug 1st, 2006 |
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| Posts: | 41 |
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Posted: Wed Jan 23rd, 2008 12:56 pm |
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Prior to moving into the White House, The Bushes are given a courtesy tour by the Clintons. After dinner, George needs to use the bathroom, and asks Bill if he can use his private bathroom. Upon entering, George notices right away the golden urinal. He was most impressed by this, and told Laura so once he had rejoined the party.
A little while later, Laura passes along to Hillary that George was awed by the President's golden urinal.
Later that night, as they prepared for bed, Hillary turned to Bill smiling, and said, "I found out who pissed in your sax."
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schwarzstop
Member
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Posted: Tue Jan 22nd, 2008 03:52 pm |
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One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."
The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."
The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there is a 'thank you' Card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."
The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' Card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."
Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm Doing community service this week."
The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Mon Jan 21st, 2008 06:32 pm |
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| Good one farmer.
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Mon Jan 21st, 2008 06:30 pm |
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NEW DISEASE IDENTIFIED!!!
Electile Dysfunction : the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Dec 20th, 2007 09:30 am |
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2007
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00
pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2007
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2007
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2007
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking p ermission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*ucking Employees
DATE: October 05, 2007
RE: The F*ucking Holiday Party
Vegetarian pr*icks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fu*cking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,
The Bi*tch from H*ELL!!!!!!!!
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: &nbsishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2007
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Wed Dec 19th, 2007 05:47 pm |
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A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study,has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
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little blackwater
Member
| Joined: | Mon Aug 28th, 2006 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 177 |
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Posted: Mon Dec 17th, 2007 03:26 pm |
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Gander Mountain Scam
This is a heads up to you guys shopping at Gander Mountain.
Over the last mounth I fell victim to a scam while shopping.Simply going out X mas shopping turned out to be quite tramatic.Please don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.
Here's how the scam works.
Two really good looking 21 year old girls come over to your car while you are loading packages.they both start cleaning tour windshield and mirrors etc. with windex and towels''They are dressed very risky to say the least and it is darn near impossible to keep your eyes off of them".When they are finished and you try to pay them in some way for their labor,they say no sir all we would really like is a ride over to the next shoppinp center.
You of course agree and they get in the back seat.On the way over there they start to undressing.Then one clinbs over the front seat and starts to crawl all over you,while the other steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen November 10th,11th 13 twice on the 21st also 6 times so far in December and they have not caught these crooks yet.
So be very careful and tell your buddies to be careful as well
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Dec 15th, 2007 06:03 pm |
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| 'Twas the night before Christmas - - This was copied from The Star Democrat Attachment: 'Twas the night before Christmas.jpg (Downloaded 345 times)
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Dec 15th, 2007 05:14 pm |
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A story you may enjoy.
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean.
It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, 'Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu.'
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!' said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time,' Pedro begged.
'But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.' replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.'
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, 'OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu.'
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
'Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.'
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!
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Dandy
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 24th, 2006 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 20 |
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Posted: Thu Dec 13th, 2007 01:40 pm |
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Once there was a little girl who asked her father "Daddy, do all fairy tales begin with the words 'pnce upon a time?'"
He replied, "No, a whole bunch of them start with the words, 'If elected, I promise."
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Pete Macinta
Member
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Posted: Tue Dec 11th, 2007 06:48 pm |
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Greetings meinmd
"Pete, I thought that was just plain stupid and don't believe you would have thought it was funny. Using the voice of someone as special as Fred Rogers for a prank like that is just idiotic. I would have thought someone of your position would have thought before posting it."
I looked at it in a positive light. Those people responded well when called and are to be commended. I am amazed though they could not figure out who Fred Rogers was. For all I know, those young people called their relatives.
Got a call the other night from someone joking around saying they were Rev. Wood (General Supt. of the AOG) and said they were upset with some of my web pages. I took it in stride.
God bless,
Pete
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Tue Dec 11th, 2007 06:30 pm |
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Pete, I thought that was just plain stupid and don't believe you would have thought it was funny. Using the voice of someone as special as Fred Rogers for a prank like that is just idiotic. I would have thought someone of your position would have thought before posting it.
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Pete Macinta
Member
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Posted: Tue Dec 11th, 2007 05:48 pm |
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I came across this when some young people were over my house last week and thought of posting it here. However, the opening line deals with a "lost kitty" and a member of this forum had lost their cat last week so I did not feel it was appropriate to post it. That member's cat has returned, PTL.
So here's this. It is a series of prank phone calls using the voice of the late Mr. Rogers.
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=7488602
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Tue Dec 11th, 2007 02:07 pm |
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| Attachment: zyglis33.gif (Downloaded 351 times) Last edited on Tue Dec 11th, 2007 02:24 pm by Farmer
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little blackwater
Member
| Joined: | Mon Aug 28th, 2006 |
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| Posts: | 177 |
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Posted: Tue Dec 11th, 2007 12:42 pm |
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Womans X-Mas Prayer
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man,who's not a creep,
One who's handsome,smart and strong.
One who wants to listen all day long,
One who thinks before he speaks'
One who'll call,not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash,won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens the door,
massages my back and begs for more.
Oh! send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'How big is my behind'?
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
and always be my best friend.
Man's Prayer
I prey for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs,Who owns a boat,bar and golf course.
And loves to hunt,I know this dosen't rhyme but this is how we are.
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Mon Dec 10th, 2007 06:06 pm |
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The Outhouse...
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around
when she hollers out....
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
 
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse,
looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin
wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see
what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole,
looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong
with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole,
then starts yelling, "Ma!
Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
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heathersmd
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jul 17th, 2007 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 98 |
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Posted: Sat Dec 8th, 2007 01:02 am |
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A USMC sniper was real good at his job. This sniper had a method. He would yell out some insult at the enemy and when someone stood up to reply, Bang! One less insurgent!
After every mission the company commander would ask "How many insurgents have you shot today?"
However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed, he reported "Five killed and I let one go." "Let one go?" roared the company commander. "What do you mean, you let one go?"
"Well, I yelled out "Osama is a Homo!" Then this big insurgent stood up and yelled "Bush is an idiot." I just couldn't shoot a fellow Democrat!"
Sorry people- I couldn't resist!
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Fri Dec 7th, 2007 09:25 pm |
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Dec 1st, 2007 12:44 am |
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| The End Is Near Attachment: rnin221l.jpg (Downloaded 352 times)
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Tue Nov 27th, 2007 03:58 pm |
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A USMC sniper was real good at his job. This sniper had a method. He would yell out some insult at the enemy and when someone stood up to reply, Bang! One less insurgent!
After every mission the company commander would ask "How many insurgents have you shot today?"
However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed, he reported "Five killed and I let one go." "Let one go?" roared the company commander. "What do you mean, you let one go?"
"Well, I yelled out 'Osama is a Homo!' Then this big insurgent stood up and yelled 'Hillary is a Bitch!' I just couldn't shoot a fellow Republican!"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Tue Nov 27th, 2007 03:05 pm |
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A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
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little blackwater
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| Joined: | Mon Aug 28th, 2006 |
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Posted: Wed Nov 21st, 2007 03:34 pm |
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WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
Iwas shopping at Super Fresh where I had selected the following items.
A half gallon of 2% milk
A carton of free range eggs
A quart of calcium enriched orange juice
A head of romaine lettuce
A cqan of eighr o'clock coffee
A 1 lb. package of sugar cured bacon
As I was unloading the items on the conveyor belt to check out,a really drunk guy standing behind me watched as I placed the items on the belt in front of the cashier.As the cashier was ringing up my purchase,the drunk calmly stated,you must be single.
I was a bit taken back by his proclamation and at the same time intrigued by the derelicts intuition,since I was indeed single.I looked at the six items I had purchased and saw nothing particulary uunusal about my selections that could have tipped the old druck off to my marital status.Curiosity getting the best of me,I said well you know what your absolutely right.But how on Earth did you know that?
The Drunk replied,"Cause You're Ugly"
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little blackwater
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Posted: Wed Nov 21st, 2007 03:16 pm |
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papal blessing
The pope took a couple days off to visit the mountains of Alaska.As he was
cruising along in the pope mobile he spotted a commotion in the edge of the
woods which was a helpless Democrat,wearing sandals,shorts,a save the whales
hat and a to hell with Bush t-shirt , screaming and struggling frantically ,
thrashing around trying to free himself from a ten foot Grizzly Bear.As the Pope
watched horrified,a group of Republican Loggers rushed in Shot the Bear. while
two of them tenderly placed the semi -conscious Democrat in the back seat of the truck the others placed the dead Bear into the back of the truck.At this time the Pope
walked over and offered them his blessings for thier brave actions.He told them I had always heard there was a bitter hatred between Democrate and Republicans
But now I see that this is not true.As the pope drove off ,one of the loggers looked athis buddy and askesd ,Who was that man ? It was the Pope replied his buddy
and he is in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom.Well the other logger said he may have acces to all wisdom but he sure don't know nothing about bear hunting!Is the bait holding up or do we have to go back to Massachusetts to get another one?
ITS JUST A JOKE OVID
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Tue Nov 20th, 2007 01:02 pm |
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NEW COMBINATION PHONE, PERSONAL PROTECTION. GREAT GIFT IDEA!! PERFECT FOR YOUR BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING TRIP!!
Attachment: NewNokia.JPG (Downloaded 367 times)
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Mon Nov 19th, 2007 01:46 pm |
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