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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Thu Oct 2nd, 2008 03:23 pm |
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Two little kids are in a hospital lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid say says "I'm here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, I had that done when I was born."
"Couldn't walk for a year."
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CAPT WINKY
Member
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Posted: Thu Oct 2nd, 2008 12:23 am |
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CAPT WINKY wrote: What place in Maryland can people read yet don't understand exactly what they read, this place also has high taxes?
No one knows?
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greydog
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Posted: Wed Oct 1st, 2008 09:13 pm |
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4thekids wrote: Cheney is the second executive officer to shoot someone in the face and chest. Clinton was the first.
Your sooooooooo BAD!
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city boy
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Posted: Wed Oct 1st, 2008 08:23 pm |
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The town were the lady walked across the Choptank. Not sure of the names.
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CAPT WINKY
Member
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Posted: Wed Oct 1st, 2008 03:58 am |
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| What place in Maryland can people read yet don't understand exactly what they read, this place also has high taxes?
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Tue Sep 30th, 2008 11:13 pm |
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| Cheney is the second executive officer to shoot someone in the face and chest. Clinton was the first.
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Mom of Two
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| Joined: | Mon Apr 30th, 2007 |
| Location: | Cambridge, USA |
| Posts: | 406 |
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Posted: Sat Sep 27th, 2008 04:06 pm |
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God the Parent
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied.
"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Where?"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Wed Sep 24th, 2008 12:12 am |
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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes , 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars ... But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.'
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Imagine
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Posted: Tue Sep 23rd, 2008 11:49 pm |
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Police Department Recruitment Exam [size= ]A man, having applied to join the police force, is being interviewed.
The Inspector says 'Your qualifications are first-class but there is one test that you must pass before I can recruit you.'
Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues.... 'Take this gun, go out and shoot six illegal immigrants and a rabbit.'
The man says 'Why the rabbit?'
'Fantastic attitude!' says the inspector.... 'When can you start?'
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Tue Sep 23rd, 2008 06:17 pm |
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LETTER FROM A Tennessee Farm Kid
>
> (NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)
>
> Dear Ma and Pa,
>
> I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
> Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up
> quick before all of the places are filled.
>
> I was rest less at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly
> 6:00 a.m.
>
> but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do
> before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to
> slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically
> nothing.
>
> Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is
> strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind
> of weak on chop s, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other
> regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city
> boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds
>
> you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys
> can't walk much.
>
> We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks
> to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A
> 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city
> guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
>
> The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher.
> He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels
> just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
>
> This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals
> for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as
>
> a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the
> Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and
> hit it. You don't even load your own cartri dges. They come in boxes.
>
> Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
> wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break
> real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about
> the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver
> Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time
>
> as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds
> dry.
>
> Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
> onto this setup and come stampeding in.
>
> Your loving daughter,
>
> Alice
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Sep 18th, 2008 10:10 am |
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The Presidential election was too close to
call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had
enough votes to win.. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court
challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the
sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish
at the end of the week would win the
election.
Therefore, it was decided that there
should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the
winner. After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that
the contest take place on a remote frozen
lake in northern Minnesota.
There were to be no
observers present, and
both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at
5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral
parties. At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the
starting line and he had 10
fish.
Soon, Obama returned and had no
fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair'
day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next
day.
At the end of the 2nd day, John McCain came in
wit h 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.
That
evening, Harry Reid got
together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I
think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to
go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and
see just how he is cheating.'
The next night
(after John McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry said t o Obama,
"Well tell me, how is John McCain cheating?"
Obama replied, "Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the
ice!"
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JOHN H
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Posted: Tue Sep 16th, 2008 05:01 pm |
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meinmd wrote: NO NURSING HOME FOR ME
About two years ago my wife and I were on a cruise, through the Western Mediterranean, aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I noticed that all the staff, ship officers, waiters, busboys, etc. all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back. As we left the dining room one evening, I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises." She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home."
So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess cruise ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 a day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week.)
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste, razors, soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 to 14 days.
7. TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip, you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship, they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
PS And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at No Charge!
Plop!
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Tue Sep 16th, 2008 04:44 pm |
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NO NURSING HOME FOR ME
About two years ago my wife and I were on a cruise, through the Western Mediterranean, aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I noticed that all the staff, ship officers, waiters, busboys, etc. all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back. As we left the dining room one evening, I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises." She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home."
So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess cruise ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 a day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week.)
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste, razors, soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 to 14 days.
7. TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip, you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship, they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
PS And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at No Charge!
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sun Sep 7th, 2008 10:54 am |
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John was in the fertilized egg business. He had
several hundred young egg-layers (hens), called
'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went
into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of
time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them
to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he
could tell from a distance, which rooster was
performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill
out an efficiency report by just listening to the
bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine
specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell
hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other
roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the
pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for
cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his
beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet,
do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the
Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight
sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch
the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the
Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the
making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win
two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by
being the best at sneaking up on the populace and
screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully this year, the bells are not always audible.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sun Sep 7th, 2008 12:24 am |
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Hey I usually don't pass along these 'add your
name' lists that appear in my email, but this one is too important.
This one has been circulating for months and
months. Please do not delete...if you don't want to sign, at least keep it going!
To show your support for Obama and vote for him
to be the next President of the United States, please add your name to the rapidly growing list below and send it on to your entire e-mail list.
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
1. Michelle Obama
2. Oprah
3. Jane Fonda
4. Osama Ben Laden
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Mom of Two
Member
| Joined: | Mon Apr 30th, 2007 |
| Location: | Cambridge, USA |
| Posts: | 406 |
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Posted: Sat Sep 6th, 2008 09:08 pm |
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Today's Stock Market Report
Helium was up.
Feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
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eastcambridge_mom
Member
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Posted: Fri Sep 5th, 2008 12:44 am |
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Women's bedtime prayer
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Men's bed-time prayer
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs,small waist,and round bottom, who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting.This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s**t.
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Wed Sep 3rd, 2008 06:29 pm |
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One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over
10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's
certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began
to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft. Suddenly
there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside
the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead
gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman
and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a
cigarette?'
'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and
un-zipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and
pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes
a long drag. 'Faith and begorra, 'said the man, 'that is so good I'd
almost forgotten how great a smoke can be! '
'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey'
asked the blonde. Trembling, the cast-away replied,
'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve
un-zips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened
the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the
Irishman.
'Tis truly fantastic!!!'
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly un-zip the long front
of her wet suit, right down the middle She looked at the trembling man and
asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?' With tears in
his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed;
'Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?!'
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CRIMECRUNCHER
Member
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Posted: Tue Sep 2nd, 2008 03:49 am |
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Advising The New Priest
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand ...and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'..."
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says,... "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No s**t? What happened next'?"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Aug 30th, 2008 01:11 am |
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The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect wildlife in the US.
Animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Democratic Party... as they have learned to just sit and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance.
Attachment: BEAR.jpg (Downloaded 399 times)
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Fri Aug 29th, 2008 10:50 am |
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After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal*Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart
Dear Mrs. Hill,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Hill are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1) Jun e 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2) July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3) July 7:
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4) July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."
5) August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6) August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7) August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8) August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone!?'
9) September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10) September 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11) October 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme
12) October 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using
different sizes of funnels.
13) October 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through the clothes, he whispered 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14) October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least
15) October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled
very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
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Lurking Around
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Posted: Wed Aug 27th, 2008 05:22 pm |
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The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.
So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said,
'Obama in '08.' I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
The doctor tells me that it's important to my health
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little blackwater
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Posted: Wed Aug 27th, 2008 05:22 pm |
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First in posting this small bit of humor it is no way intended to insult any person,group or organization,that has ,may now or herefter visit newszap.
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle,when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawnmower.How much to you want for the lawn mower the preacher asked?I want just enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,said the little boy.After a moment of consideration,the preacher asked,will you take my bike in trade for it?The little boy asked to try it out first,and after riding it awhile,said preacher you got youself a deal.The preacher took the mower homeand tried to start it with no luck.He pulled,puled and pulled,at that time the little boy rode by on his new bike and the preacher asked how do you get this thing to start.The little boy said it's easy,all you have to do is cuss it.The preacher said I'am a minister and I can't cuss.It's been so long since I was saved that I don't even remember how to cuss.The little boy looked at him happily and said,Just keep pulling on that rope it will come back to ya.
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Wed Aug 27th, 2008 04:04 pm |
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A man owned a small contracting business in Salem , Oregon .
The Oregon Wage & Hours Department claimed he was
not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out
to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,'
demanded the agent.
'Well,' replied the owner, 'there's my framer who's been
with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room
and board. The sider has been here for 18 months, and I pay
him $550 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every
day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes
about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy
him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also
sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the
agent.
'That would be me,' replied the owner.
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Mon Aug 25th, 2008 05:12 pm |
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HOW TO STOP CHURCH GOSSIP
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned, and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... He said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of
Mildred's house...walked home...and left it there all night!!!
You gotta love Frank
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nsas64
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Posted: Sun Aug 24th, 2008 06:50 pm |
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4thekids wrote:
There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front
porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted, 'PRAISE THE LORD!'
One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became
irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his
front porch after her and yell, 'THERE IS NO LORD!' Time passed with
the two of them carrying on this way every day.
One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto
her front porch and shouted, 'PRAISE THE LORD! Please, Lord, I have
no food and I am starving. Provide for me, oh Lord!'
The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two
huge bags of groceries sitting there. 'PRAISE THE LORD!' she cried
out. 'HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!'
The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted, 'THERE IS
NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!'
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, 'PRAISE
THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND
MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!'
FUNNY!!!!!!!
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4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Sun Aug 24th, 2008 06:05 pm |
|
There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front
porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted, 'PRAISE THE LORD!'
One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became
irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his
front porch after her and yell, 'THERE IS NO LORD!' Time passed with
the two of them carrying on this way every day.
One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto
her front porch and shouted, 'PRAISE THE LORD! Please, Lord, I have
no food and I am starving. Provide for me, oh Lord!'
The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two
huge bags of groceries sitting there. 'PRAISE THE LORD!' she cried
out. 'HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!'
The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted, 'THERE IS
NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!'
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, 'PRAISE
THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND
MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!'
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4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Sat Aug 23rd, 2008 01:00 am |
|
| "Barack Obama now says he is open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind." --Jay Leno
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Fri Aug 22nd, 2008 11:22 pm |
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Funny stuff!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqQk4pCzBtY&feature=related
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Fri Aug 22nd, 2008 04:13 pm |
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UCLA STUDY - VERY INTERESTING
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending
on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is
ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in
his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Fri Aug 22nd, 2008 12:04 am |
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Three Big Texas Men (Everything is bigger in Texas ) were sitting
together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Georgia and had told her that she
was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on
the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put
away.
The second man had married a woman from North Carolina . He had given
his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was
better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were
done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a girl from Dorchester County. He told her that her
duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down, and
he could see a little out of his left eye .., enough to fix himself a bite
to eat and load the dishwasher.
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eastcambridge_mom
Member
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Posted: Wed Aug 20th, 2008 08:47 pm |
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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago...
Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his
window..The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold Up?'
'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'
'About a gallon.'
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Pete Macinta
Member
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Posted: Tue Aug 19th, 2008 08:38 pm |
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An accountant couldn't get to sleep one night, so he started counting sheep.
But then, he made a mistake and it took him all night to find it.
God bless,
Pete
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Fri Aug 15th, 2008 02:10 pm |
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A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their
exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to
their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and
walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want
a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce
lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get
a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean ,
no more summers in Tuscany , no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no
more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to
two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young
woman on his arm.
"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
She replies, "Ours is prettier."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Mon Aug 11th, 2008 08:07 pm |
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REDNECK LOVE POEM
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY
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eastcambridge_mom
Member
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Posted: Thu Aug 7th, 2008 11:15 pm |
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Redneck version of the astrology signs...
OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.
CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20)
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20)
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.
POSSUM (April 21 - May 21)
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.
CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in "the melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. You are pure in heart.
BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility
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Farmer
Member
|
Posted: Thu Aug 7th, 2008 06:01 pm |
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FACTS TO PONDER:
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S.
is
700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians
per year are
120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician
is
0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of
Health Human Services.
Now think about this:
Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.
is
80,000,000.
(Yes, that's 80 million..)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths
per year, all age groups,
is
1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths
per gun owner
is
.000188.
Statistics courtesy of FBI
So,
statistically, doctors are approximately
9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,
BUT
ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends
to this
alarming threat.
We must ban doctors
before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
Out of concern for the public at large,
I withheld the statistics on
lawyers
for fear the shock would cause
people to panic and seek medical attention Last edited on Thu Aug 7th, 2008 06:10 pm by Farmer
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eastcambridge_mom
Member
|
Posted: Wed Aug 6th, 2008 10:50 pm |
|
Old Butch
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called," pullets, and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible.
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Wed Aug 6th, 2008 08:53 pm |
|
New Government Emblem
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. Shoot, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Wed Aug 6th, 2008 08:07 pm |
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I know someone at my church who would love this.
From Buck's Social P's & Q's
Tips For Planning A Southern Wedding
The Announcement:
It is the responsibility of the bride's family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the bride's parents, it is not necessary to specify where in the house you will reside).
Invitations:
Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you must send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like "You are invited to watch John Smith and Jennifer Johnson make it legal on March 14, 2000." will suffice nicely. If you don't want to be so formal, you can always run down to the local bar and yell "If you aint doing nothin' on the 14th of March, why don't you stop by my house for a cold one about 2 o'clock. Me and Jennifer's having some friends over to watch the ball game and witness our weddin'."
Proper attire:
For the bride, the key words are "be conservative." No matter how good it may look, refrain from wedding outfits made with spandex or adorned with fringe. Excessive slits and dips also are frowned upon. This is not the occasion to show the world how big "they" are.
For the groom, a rented tuxedo is haute courture, but if it means the difference between going on a honeymoon and staying home, concider some alternatives. For example, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean work shirt can create a natty appearence. And though possibly uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
The ceremony:
No matter how urgent the event, loaded weapons have no place at the alter. At the point in the ceremony that says, "If anybody has any reason why these two should no be joined in holy matrimony..." tell the preacher not to pause too long, old flames sometimes die hard and talk too much.
Reception:
Remember to reserve the hall far in advance, and avoid Saturdays, since that's bingo night. It is perfectly acceptable to ask guests to wipe their feet before entering the hall. After all the cleaning deposit can be the difference between an oil change and a full tune-up for the car.
Common wedding questions and answers and general advice:
Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
A: Not if you are the groom.
Q: How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
A: At least one within a week of the wedding.
Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
A: Anything except "Tied to the Whipping Post".
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Wed Aug 6th, 2008 01:09 am |
|
"I'm sure you know by now, Jesse Jackson was overheard saying, and I'll put this more delicately, that he wanted to cut Barack Obama's testicles off. And Jesse has been on several news programs the last couple of days, explaining what he meant by those comments. Do you need to explain that?" --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama's two daughters are very excited, because I guess Barack Obama promised the kids that after the election he's going to get them a dog. That's the thing, they're all excited, he's going to get them a dog after the election. And the good news -- Jesse Jackson has offered to neuter it, so I think that's terrific." --Jay Leno
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Wed Aug 6th, 2008 12:32 am |
|
�� Amish Farmer
An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man
drinking from his pond, with his hand.
The Amish man shouts: 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen
haben dahin gesheissen.'
(Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have s**t in it.')
The man shouts back: 'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your
gibberish. Speak English, infidel!'
The Amish man says:� 'Use two hands, you'll get more!!'
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eastcambridge_mom
Member
|
Posted: Mon Aug 4th, 2008 10:53 pm |
|
A blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a POLITICIAN
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eastcambridge_mom
Member
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Posted: Mon Aug 4th, 2008 08:58 pm |
|
An Eastern Shore man leaving the bay, was stopped by a game warden recently,
with two ice chests full of live illegal sized crabs in water.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those crabs?"
Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet crabs."
"Pet crabs?"
"Yep. Every night I take these crabs down to the bay and let 'em swim
around for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice
chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of Bull! Crabs can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then
said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The man poured the crabs into the river and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the man.
"When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?"
"The crabs!"
"WHAT crabs?"
We from the Eastern Shore may not be as smart as some, but we are not as dumb as most.
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eastcambridge_mom
Member
|
Posted: Mon Aug 4th, 2008 08:00 pm |
|
>One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
>'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
>would take a few inches off of your butt!'
>
>His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a
>comment go unrewarded.
>
>The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
>'What the heck is this?', he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
>appeared when he shook them out.
>'Honey', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder
>in my underwear?'
>She replied, 'It's not talcum powder.....it's Miracle Grow'.
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Mon Aug 4th, 2008 01:27 pm |
|
A Nebraska rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and
>knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door. "Yer Dad
>home?' the rancher asked. 'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went
>into town." "Well," said the rancher, 'is yer Mom here?' "No, sir, she
>ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad." "How about your brother,
>Howard? Is he here?" "He went with Mom and Dad." The rancher stood there
>for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to
>himself. "Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I
>knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could
>take amessage fer Dad." "Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really
>wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my
>daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant." The boy considered for a moment. "You
>would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you
>any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar, but, I
>really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
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4thekids
Member
|
Posted: Sat Jul 19th, 2008 02:34 pm |
|
How do you know if you have a tough mosquito?
You slap him and he slaps you back!
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Thu Jul 10th, 2008 05:43 pm |
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JUST IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS 2008
Attachment: obama_tickle_me.jpg (Downloaded 424 times)
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eastcambridge_mom
Member
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Posted: Wed Jul 9th, 2008 05:35 am |
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You an Internet addict? You Might Be An Internet Addict If...
- You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.
- Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
- Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
- You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
- You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"
- Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.
- You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
- Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
- All of your friends have an @ in their names.
- When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
- Your dog has its own home page.
- You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.
- You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
- Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
- You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
- You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
- Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months
- You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
- You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.
- You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
- Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
- You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."
- You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.
- The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
- You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
- Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
- As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
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eastcambridge_mom
Member
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Posted: Wed Jul 9th, 2008 05:21 am |
|
Jose and Carlos, both illegal immigrants, are panhandling along the freeway off ramp, each one holding a sign.
Jose drives a new Mercedes Benz, lives in a mortgage free house, and has lots of spending cash on hand. Carlos has little because he only makes $2 or $3 per day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can also earn enough money like he does (a suitcase full of $10 bills a day, so he too can live comfortably.
Jose says, "Look at your sign. What does it say?"
Carlos reads, "I have no work, and have a wife and 6 kids to support. Please help."
Jose says, "Now look at MY sign."
It says, "I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico."
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