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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Fri Apr 27th, 2007 08:44 am |
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Two alligators were relaxing in the swamp talking.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
"I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me.
We're the same age, and we was the same size as kids.
I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down 'tother side of the swamp
near the parkin' lot by the capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
Well, I crawls up into one of them Lexus
and wait fer one to open the car door.
Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg,
shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator,
"I think I see your problem.
You ain't gettin' any real nourishment."
"See, by the time you get done shakin'
the shit out of a Politician,
there ain't nothin' left but
an asshole and a briefcase!"
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Fri Apr 20th, 2007 01:01 pm |
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the
wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the
room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we
first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you
remember back then?" he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring & so
sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember
when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail
for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
"I would have gotten out today."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Wed Apr 18th, 2007 10:48 am |
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A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying in Western Australia while they were diving.
He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately
some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".
"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...... So what's the other possible good news?
"Well", the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!
Diane
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sun Apr 15th, 2007 09:49 pm |
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A Dent in the Pile! 
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shovelling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it!?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad, but I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells...
!!"Supplies"!!
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sun Apr 8th, 2007 06:07 pm |
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TWO BOYS
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10,
who were excessively mischievous.
They were always getting into trouble
and their parents knew that,
if any mischief occurred in their town,
their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a
clergyman in town
had been successful in disciplining children,
so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent her 8-year-old in first that morning,
with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice,
sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Where is God?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide eyed.
So the clergyman repeated the question
in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God!!?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer.
So the clergyman raised his voice even more
and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,
"WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room,
ran directly home and dove into his closet,
slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet,
he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time, dude.
God is missing - and they think WE did it.!"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sun Apr 8th, 2007 03:32 pm |
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What do you call a mother cow that lost her calf?
"Decafinated"
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Tue Apr 3rd, 2007 01:14 pm |
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Last edited on Tue Apr 3rd, 2007 02:14 pm by Farmer
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Mon Apr 2nd, 2007 01:07 pm |
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Rudy misses his chance to save us all!!!
Attachment: rudy.jpg (Downloaded 310 times)
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Mar 29th, 2007 10:58 am |
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| Did you hear about the African missionary that gave some cannibals their first taste of religion?
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Wed Mar 28th, 2007 10:25 pm |
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A woman tells her friend, "My husband is an angel."
Her friend replies, "You're lucky, mine is still alive."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Mar 24th, 2007 05:43 pm |
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Aged Mother
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet."
A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again the mother says "not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby!?"
And the mother says, "You'll have to wait until the baby cries."
And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it!"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Mar 22nd, 2007 10:51 pm |
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A young boy had just
gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father,
who was a minister,
if they could discuss his use
of the family car.
His father said to him,
"I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up,
study your bible a little,
and get your hair cut,
then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back
and again asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son,
I'm real proud of you.
You have brought your grades up,
you've studied your bible diligently,
but you didn't get a hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment
and replied, "You know dad,
I've been thinking about that.
You know Samson had long hair,
Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair,
and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied,
"Yes son,
and they walked everywhere they went!"
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thats_for_shore
Member
| Joined: | Sat Nov 11th, 2006 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 678 |
| Status: |
Offline
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 12:29 am |
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| LMAO!! The fruitcake lady was hilarious!
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 08:20 pm |
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Farmer wrote: you gotta check this out!!!
Thanks Farmer that was great!!!!
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 07:53 pm |
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you gotta check this out!!!
The fruitcake lady passed away.
This is Jay Leno’s tribute to her.
get tissues, u will laught till u cry!
This is one of the funniest video emails you will ever see. Jay Leno doing a farewell tribute to "The Fruitcake Lady" who recently died in her 90's. She was on his show a few times and was hysterical. Enjoy it. Go to the site below.
"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnudM458uz8
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 03:03 pm |
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10 reasons to buy a new car...
10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
9. Instead of an air bag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.
7. The 15 minute JiffyLube needs to keep your car for 3 days.
6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal "The Club."
4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.
2. You keep losing dates on left turns.
1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Mon Mar 19th, 2007 12:33 pm |
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One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church.
As she ran she kept praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late to church.
Please don't let me be late to church...."
As she was running she tripped and fell.
When she got back up she began praying again...
"Please, God don't let me be late to church -- but don't shove me either!
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Mar 17th, 2007 03:04 pm |
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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids a nd began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his Way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt
And Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Happy St. Patrick's Day !!!!
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Thu Mar 15th, 2007 07:23 pm |
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This is the scariest greeting card I've ever seen.
Open carefully.
HYPERLINK "http://www.greetingcards.com/pickup?ID=A222-A256-JK3H-YCR
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Thu Mar 15th, 2007 12:52 pm |
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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Indubitably
2. Innovative
3. Preliminary
4. Proliferation
5. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
5. Oh no, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Wed Mar 14th, 2007 11:29 pm |
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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Tue Mar 13th, 2007 05:44 pm |
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BABY BOOMER HIT PARADE! It's been fun being a baby
boomer .. until now. Some of the artists of the '60s are
revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging
baby boomer fans. They include:
1. Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
2. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
3. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
4. Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
5. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
6. Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.
7. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
9. Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
10. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade Of Hair.
11. Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
12. The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
13. Abba--- Denture Queen.
14. Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
15. Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
16. Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
17. Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again.
====================================================================
.
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SouthernPride
Member
| Joined: | Fri May 5th, 2006 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 47 |
| Status: |
Offline
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Posted: Tue Mar 13th, 2007 11:35 am |
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Apartment For Rent
A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and
Agrees to spend the night with her for $500.
He spends the night with her but before he leaves,
He tells her that he does not have any cash with him,
But he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her,
Calling the payment
"RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done,
Realizing that the whole e vent was not worth the price.
So he has his secretary send a check for
$250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam: :
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
Apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I
Rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied,
That there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note,
The girl immediately returned the check for $250
With the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a
Beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it,
If you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartm ent is indeed of regular size,
But if you don't have enough furniture to fill it,
Please don't blame the landlady.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Tue Mar 13th, 2007 09:22 am |
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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Mon Mar 12th, 2007 11:52 pm |
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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sun Mar 11th, 2007 05:56 pm |
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Paddy was in New York
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Mar 10th, 2007 11:04 pm |
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the pries t.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Mar 10th, 2007 10:44 am |
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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an
important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to
heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place
I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me
Irish Whiskey! Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Fri Mar 9th, 2007 06:06 pm |
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A Cowboy and his Horse
This Cowboy is riding the range when he gets ambushed by some indians. They take him back to their villiage to see the chief. The Chief looks at the cowboy and says:
"You White man, you will die at sundown, but Chief is not as evil as white man, so you gettum three wishes.
" What is your first wish?, The cowboy looks around, thinks, then, with a gulp, say: "well, can i talk to my horse o' great chief?
"The Chief looks puzzled, laughs to his tribe and says "he-he, sure white man you can talk to your horse".
So the cowboy goes to his horse and wispers in it's ear, the horse looks puzzled, but then with bright eyes it gallops off in a cloud of dust. The Indians just sit and laugh at the cowboy for wasting his wish. BUT, all of a sudden the horse returns with a Blonde riding upon its back. The indians look amazed. The chief grins, points to a secluded Teepee. The cowboy now looks embarrassed, so he takes the blonde and goes into the teepee. An hour later he comes out and says, "Chief, can i talk to my horse again"? The chief says sure, but that be wish number two. Ok says the cowboy.
The cowboys goes to the horse and once again wispers into it's ear, and with a gallop the horse is off!... 15 minutes later, the horse returns, this time having a Brunnette aboard. Once again the cowboy is shown the secluded teepee.
An hour later the cowboy comes out, obivously tired now, with only a few hours left before sundown. He looks to the chief, and before he says a word, the chief grins and says "Sure crazy white man you can talk to your horse.."
So the cowboy goes to the horse and GRABS him by the ear and yells
"LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT,...I SAID - GO GET A POSSE!!!"
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Thu Mar 8th, 2007 12:57 pm |
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The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the most recent winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting "lucky."
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when, you know, everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes, and it's like, a serious bummer, you know?
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a--hole.
Last edited on Thu Mar 8th, 2007 03:48 pm by Farmer
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 09:10 pm |
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Absentminded Doc!
A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.
He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?
In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims, - "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Tue Mar 6th, 2007 12:09 am |
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A look at the Iraqi TV Guide.
MONDAY
8:00 Husseinfeld
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 Allah McBeal
TUESDAY
8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
9:30 No-witness News
WEDNESDAY
8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy
9:00 Judge Saddam
9:30 (edited)
THURSDAY
8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi
8:30 Achmed's Creek
9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30 My Two Baghdads
FRIDAY
8:00 Just Shoot Me
8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
9:00 M*U*S*T* A*S*H
9:30 Veilwatch
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EasUrnShor
Member
| Joined: | Fri Sep 30th, 2005 |
| Location: | Maryland USA |
| Posts: | 106 |
| Status: |
Offline
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Posted: Mon Mar 5th, 2007 11:55 pm |
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A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because
you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways,
I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a
bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.
"The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking.
The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete
and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural
resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for
worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and
glorify me."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I
wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why
she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can
make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sun Mar 4th, 2007 10:35 pm |
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A Mexican joke
Why did God give Mexicans a nose?
So they'd have something to pick in the off season!
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Fri Mar 2nd, 2007 11:42 pm |
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A future fireman.
A fireman looked out of the fire house window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had his little red wagon, and he had hung small ladders on the side of it, and coiled the garden hose up in it, and he was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.
The fireman thought this was really cute so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had.
As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to try to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster."
"Maybe so," said the little boy, "But then I'd lose my siren!"
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Fri Mar 2nd, 2007 01:14 pm |
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Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
************ ********
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
************ ********
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
************ ********
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you Dumb Ass"
************ ********
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
************ ********
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cattook a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Thu Mar 1st, 2007 12:45 pm |
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Bubba went to a psychiatrist.
"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come
talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of
those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."
"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you
ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the
psychiatrist.
"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a yea r is an
awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to
have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there
now !!!"
Last edited on Thu Mar 1st, 2007 12:46 pm by Farmer
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Mar 1st, 2007 12:28 pm |
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A bad bet!
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Tue Feb 27th, 2007 06:02 pm |
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A big accident
On a busy day, on a busy corner, there is a big accident in which there is a victim. The man who has been injured request for a priest.
The police officer on the scene turns around and ask if there is a priest in the crowd. Nobody answers. The man still cryes out "A priest, a priest please".
The officer once again turns around and ask if there is a priest in the crowd. Suddenly, an old jewish rabby comes up and say "Officer, I'm a old 70 years old Rabbi, but I've lived for 20 years behind St. Patrick church. Every night I hear them in their prayers. Maybe I can help."
So the officer bring the Rabbi to the dying man. The Rabbi kneels down and addresses these following words to the dying man:
"B1-I18-N44-G56-O75"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sun Feb 25th, 2007 12:22 pm |
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with
a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what
you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"The doctor said,
"I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Feb 22nd, 2007 10:30 pm |
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A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.
It's perfect.""Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Wed Feb 21st, 2007 10:56 am |
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Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"Third one says, "So am I. Let's
go get a coke."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Feb 17th, 2007 01:23 pm |
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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're
getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she
good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook
too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse.
" "Well, then, is she good in bed?" I don't know." "Why in the world do
you want to marry her then?" “Because she can still drive!"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Wed Feb 14th, 2007 12:29 am |
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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a
bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down
so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd
like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down,
so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl
of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain
you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I
don't need to write it down, I can remember it!Ice cream with strawberries
and whipped cream - I got it, for good- ness sake!" Then he toddles into
the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen
and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for
a moment. "Where's my toast ?"
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