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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Fri Mar 9th, 2007 06:06 pm |
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A Cowboy and his Horse 
This Cowboy is riding the range when he gets ambushed by some indians. They take him back to their villiage to see the chief. The Chief looks at the cowboy and says:
"You White man, you will die at sundown, but Chief is not as evil as white man, so you gettum three wishes.
" What is your first wish?, The cowboy looks around, thinks, then, with a gulp, say: "well, can i talk to my horse o' great chief?
"The Chief looks puzzled, laughs to his tribe and says "he-he, sure white man you can talk to your horse".
So the cowboy goes to his horse and wispers in it's ear, the horse looks puzzled, but then with bright eyes it gallops off in a cloud of dust. The Indians just sit and laugh at the cowboy for wasting his wish. BUT, all of a sudden the horse returns with a Blonde riding upon its back. The indians look amazed. The chief grins, points to a secluded Teepee. The cowboy now looks embarrassed, so he takes the blonde and goes into the teepee. An hour later he comes out and says, "Chief, can i talk to my horse again"? The chief says sure, but that be wish number two. Ok says the cowboy.
The cowboys goes to the horse and once again wispers into it's ear, and with a gallop the horse is off!... 15 minutes later, the horse returns, this time having a Brunnette aboard. Once again the cowboy is shown the secluded teepee.
An hour later the cowboy comes out, obivously tired now, with only a few hours left before sundown. He looks to the chief, and before he says a word, the chief grins and says "Sure crazy white man you can talk to your horse.."
So the cowboy goes to the horse and GRABS him by the ear and yells
"LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT,...I SAID - GO GET A POSSE!!!"
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Thu Mar 8th, 2007 12:57 pm |
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The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the most recent winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting "lucky."
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when, you know, everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes, and it's like, a serious bummer, you know?
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a--hole.
Last edited on Thu Mar 8th, 2007 03:48 pm by Farmer
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 09:10 pm |
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Absentminded Doc!
A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.
He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?
In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims, - "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Tue Mar 6th, 2007 12:09 am |
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A look at the Iraqi TV Guide.
MONDAY
8:00 Husseinfeld
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 Allah McBeal
TUESDAY
8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
9:30 No-witness News
WEDNESDAY
8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy
9:00 Judge Saddam
9:30 (edited)
THURSDAY
8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi
8:30 Achmed's Creek
9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30 My Two Baghdads
FRIDAY
8:00 Just Shoot Me
8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
9:00 M*U*S*T* A*S*H
9:30 Veilwatch
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EasUrnShor
Member
| Joined: | Fri Sep 30th, 2005 |
| Location: | Maryland USA |
| Posts: | 113 |
| Status: |
Offline
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Posted: Mon Mar 5th, 2007 11:55 pm |
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A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because
you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways,
I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a
bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.
"The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking.
The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete
and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural
resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for
worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and
glorify me."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I
wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why
she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can
make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sun Mar 4th, 2007 10:35 pm |
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A Mexican joke
Why did God give Mexicans a nose?
So they'd have something to pick in the off season!
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Fri Mar 2nd, 2007 11:42 pm |
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A future fireman.
A fireman looked out of the fire house window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had his little red wagon, and he had hung small ladders on the side of it, and coiled the garden hose up in it, and he was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.
The fireman thought this was really cute so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had.
As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to try to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster."
"Maybe so," said the little boy, "But then I'd lose my siren!"
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Fri Mar 2nd, 2007 01:14 pm |
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Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
************ ********
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
************ ********
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
************ ********
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you Dumb Ass"
************ ********
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
************ ********
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cattook a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Thu Mar 1st, 2007 12:45 pm |
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Bubba went to a psychiatrist.
"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come
talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of
those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."
"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you
ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the
psychiatrist.
"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a yea r is an
awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to
have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there
now !!!"
Last edited on Thu Mar 1st, 2007 12:46 pm by Farmer
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Mar 1st, 2007 12:28 pm |
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A bad bet!
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Tue Feb 27th, 2007 06:02 pm |
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A big accident
On a busy day, on a busy corner, there is a big accident in which there is a victim. The man who has been injured request for a priest.
The police officer on the scene turns around and ask if there is a priest in the crowd. Nobody answers. The man still cryes out "A priest, a priest please".
The officer once again turns around and ask if there is a priest in the crowd. Suddenly, an old jewish rabby comes up and say "Officer, I'm a old 70 years old Rabbi, but I've lived for 20 years behind St. Patrick church. Every night I hear them in their prayers. Maybe I can help."
So the officer bring the Rabbi to the dying man. The Rabbi kneels down and addresses these following words to the dying man:
"B1-I18-N44-G56-O75"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sun Feb 25th, 2007 12:22 pm |
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with
a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what
you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"The doctor said,
"I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Feb 22nd, 2007 10:30 pm |
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A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.
It's perfect.""Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Wed Feb 21st, 2007 10:56 am |
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Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"Third one says, "So am I. Let's
go get a coke."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Feb 17th, 2007 01:23 pm |
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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're
getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she
good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook
too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse.
" "Well, then, is she good in bed?" I don't know." "Why in the world do
you want to marry her then?" “Because she can still drive!"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Wed Feb 14th, 2007 12:29 am |
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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a
bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down
so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd
like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down,
so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl
of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain
you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I
don't need to write it down, I can remember it!Ice cream with strawberries
and whipped cream - I got it, for good- ness sake!" Then he toddles into
the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen
and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for
a moment. "Where's my toast ?"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Mon Feb 12th, 2007 10:58 am |
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Two men dressed in pilot uniforms and wearing dark glasses board a large passenger jet.
One of the men is using a guide dog, the other is tapping his way onto the plane with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the pilots make their way to the cockpit. The door closes and moments later the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for a sign that says it's all just a joke.
The plane begins to roll forward and quickly accelerates down the tarmac. The people sitting in the window seats begin to realize they are not getting airborne.
It begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water at the end of the runway, and panicked screams fill the cabin. Then suddenly the plane lifts into the air. The passengers relax, breathe heavy sighs of relief, and laugh sheepishly. They soon retreat into their magazines, secure with the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
________________________________________
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sun Feb 11th, 2007 08:56 am |
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Indian Wisdom
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to
interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white
man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances.
You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement. The officialcontinued, "Considering all
these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute
and then calmly replied .
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes,
No debt,
Plenty buffalo,
Plenty beaver,
Women did all the work,
Medicine man free,
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,
All night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled .... "Only white man dumb
enough to think he could improve system like that."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Feb 10th, 2007 11:38 am |
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Subject: Checks in the mail
Without any paperwork, Grandpa started getting a $500 check every month.
So Grandpa and Grandma started cashing them. It turns out an insurance
company made a mistake with the address; the checks were intended for
another person with the exact same name. Grandpa then received a notice
demanding that he pay back $6,000. Visibly upset, he complained to his
grandson, an accountant. His grandson asked, "Grandpa, didn't you wonder
why you were receiving checks every month for doing absolutely nothing?"
Grandpa answered, "No, I just figured the Democrats were back in power.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Fri Feb 9th, 2007 12:10 am |
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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found
one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with
a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to
leave the hospital.After a chat about rules being rules, he
reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.On the way down I
asked him if his wife was meeting him."I don't know," he said.
"She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Feb 8th, 2007 07:20 am |
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A travel agent for thirty years in our nation's capital has this to report:
"This is why we're in trouble! I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Cape town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape town is in Massachusetts. Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape town is in Africa." Her response.( click).
A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"
I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, No." She said, "But they look so close on the map.
An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a. m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a. m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines normally put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!"
A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal," she said.
Now you know why Government is in the shape that it's in!!!!!
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Wed Feb 7th, 2007 11:56 pm |
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The
two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to
a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very
highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the
name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The
one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's
the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and
yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last
night?"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Tue Feb 6th, 2007 01:31 am |
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Attitude
>
> There once was a woman who woke up one morning,
> looked in the mirror,
> and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
> Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today?"
> So she did
> and she had a wonderful day.
>
> The next day she woke up,
> looked in the mirror
> and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.
> "H-M-M," she said,
> "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today?"
> So she did and she had a grand day.
>
> The next day she woke up,
> looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her
> head.
> "Well," she said,
> "today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail."
> So she did and she had a fun, fun day.
>
> The next day she woke up,
> looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on
> her h ead.
> "YEA!" she exclaimed,
> "I don't have to fix my hair today!"
>
> Attitude is everything.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sun Feb 4th, 2007 11:37 am |
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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?"Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?""Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think
I just wet my pants.
Last edited on Sun Feb 4th, 2007 11:38 am by 4thekids
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Feb 3rd, 2007 07:44 pm |
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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Feb 1st, 2007 09:18 pm |
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A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of off-color and 'dumb blonde' jokes, when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts: I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, D--KHEAD! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair color possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential, because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to Discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot. Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to that little bas---- on your knee!
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Feb 1st, 2007 12:53 pm |
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A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into. The firemen yell to the Brunette, Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive! The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump! say the firemen to the Redhead. Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away! says the Redhead. No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads! OK says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell Jump! You have to jump! No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away! yelled the Blonde. No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away! Look, the Blonde says, nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it...
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Feb 1st, 2007 01:35 am |
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At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Tue Jan 30th, 2007 09:01 pm |
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This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Mon Jan 29th, 2007 11:49 pm |
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| A guy named Matt received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown, with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude. Matt tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Matt put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. Matt was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Matt's extended arm and said, "I believe that I might have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." Matt was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
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4thekids
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Posted: Sun Jan 28th, 2007 01:19 pm |
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A Gas Problem
There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.
"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem." "A gas problem?" replied the doctor. "Yes. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"
"Well," said the doctor thoughtfully, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."
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4thekids
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Posted: Sun Jan 28th, 2007 01:13 pm |
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Loud, mad, or sadThe psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
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4thekids
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Posted: Sun Jan 28th, 2007 09:14 am |
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Trouble sleepingThe woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sun Jan 28th, 2007 12:10 am |
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"Last night in his speech, President Bush called for a complete overhaul of the tax code. He said he was shocked to find out that some millionaires in this country were still paying taxes." --Jay Leno
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Jan 27th, 2007 02:18 pm |
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Hillary Clinton Gets Some Advice
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie,"
Ouch! Says Hillary, I don't know about that.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people,"
Ho! I really don't want to do that.
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
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thats_for_shore
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| Joined: | Sat Nov 11th, 2006 |
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| Posts: | 679 |
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Posted: Fri Jan 26th, 2007 06:16 pm |
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Told to me earlier today:
It's so cold outside that I saw a lawyer walking down the street...with his hand in his own pocket!
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Jan 25th, 2007 10:42 pm |
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Hillary's Deal With the Devil
Hillary was finishing up a day as Senator for New York when the Devil suddenly appeared in her office and made her an offer...
"I am here to offer you a deal," the Devil said. "I will give you unlimited wealth, even more power, and a media that will pander to your every whim. In return, all I ask for is your soul, the souls of every member of your family, and the souls of all your constituents."
Hillary pondered for a moment and then asked, "Unlimited wealth and power?"
"Absolutely unlimited," the Devil asserted.
"A pandering media?" she asked.
"They'll fall over themselves to support you, no matter what you say or do," the Devil assured.
"And you want my soul, my family's souls, and the souls of my constituents?" she asked.
"Yes. All of them," the Devil answered.
Hillary was deep in thought for a moment, then finally spoke:
"So...what's the catch?"
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4thekids
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Posted: Thu Jan 25th, 2007 10:34 pm |
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I'm frum texas. yep, we luv ar bush. he's jest as smrt as we ar
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Mon Jan 22nd, 2007 11:37 pm |
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"You've Got Mail"
A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed.
About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed.
She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it. "Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes?" the man asked.
"Because," replied the blonde, "my computer keeps telling me that I've got mail!"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sun Jan 21st, 2007 06:23 am |
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Motivational Speech Joke
The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line. A smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits he told them.
After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served.
A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.
The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat," he asked.
The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."
The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?"
The Chaplain smiled and hit the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them some good."
The kid said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."
The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Jan 20th, 2007 08:04 pm |
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Social Security Joke
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Jan 20th, 2007 11:08 am |
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The Pheasant Joke
There was once an old pheasant who was chatting with a bull. The pheasant said, ''I would love to get on top of that yonder tree, but I haven't got the energy''.
''Well,'' said the bull, ''why don't you eat some of my dung? It's packed with nutrients.''
So the pheasant ate some dung and found that it gave him enough energy to get to the first branch. The next day, he ate some more and it gave him the energy to get to the next branch. This cycle continued for a week. Finally, the pheasant was at the top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by the farmer who ran into the barn, came out with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Bullshit might take you to the top but it won't keep you there.
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4thekids
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