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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Fri May 16th, 2008 12:58 pm |
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This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H -I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
Politicians learn this early!!!
"REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE
ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS
ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM
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Mom of Two
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| Joined: | Mon Apr 30th, 2007 |
| Location: | Cambridge, USA |
| Posts: | 65 |
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Posted: Fri May 16th, 2008 09:41 am |
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Great Price
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady s house.
"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"
"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."
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Mom of Two
Member
| Joined: | Mon Apr 30th, 2007 |
| Location: | Cambridge, USA |
| Posts: | 65 |
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Posted: Thu May 15th, 2008 10:16 am |
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THOUGHTS FOR TODAY
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt
Did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft - Today, it's called golf.
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.....AMEN
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu May 15th, 2008 09:39 am |
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Travel Not a Music Store
A guy walks into a shop.
"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gibson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Wed May 14th, 2008 09:24 am |
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Congressman Attitude Whiskey
A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Tue May 13th, 2008 05:53 pm |
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*Government Work*
You know you work for the government when:
The process becomes more important than the product.
You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about.
You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there.
You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.
You fly first class across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money.
You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym.
You understand the rationalization of an acronym composed of acronyms.
You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance.
(1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor
(2) The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention
You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Tue May 13th, 2008 12:20 pm |
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ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND:
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she ha s to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think? For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Jim
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Mon May 12th, 2008 06:57 pm |
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Nun in a taxi
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must beCatholic."The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a .... blush,But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.size="My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying? Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.The nun says, "That's OK......
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."]
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat May 10th, 2008 04:58 pm |
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Case Number Four
A couple visiting a farm in the country
Were walking with a farmer near the fence.
When the lady of the couple, quite curious,
Was pondering over the day’s events.
“I noticed that only some of the cows have horns—
Why is it that some do and others don’t?”
The farmer answered, “Well, there are just three cases
Of why some cows will and other ones won’t.”
“In case number one, some aren’t meant to have any.
They won’t grow any after they are born.
Second case is when they are knocked off in fighting.
In case number three, some cows are dehorned.”
“What about that funny one over there? she asked.
He must have been born without them, of course.”
“That there would be case number four,” the farmer said.
Then added, “Case number four is a horse.”
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat May 10th, 2008 12:13 pm |
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An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his
wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly, they were
still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man
leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all
these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'. The old man
hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my
mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Fri May 9th, 2008 10:53 pm |
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Q: How do you catch a runaway dog?
A: Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone!
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Mom of Two
Member
| Joined: | Mon Apr 30th, 2007 |
| Location: | Cambridge, USA |
| Posts: | 65 |
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Posted: Fri May 9th, 2008 10:23 am |
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Men and Women
- A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.
- A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need.
- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
- A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.
- To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
- Women somehow deteriorate overnight.
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
- A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.
- Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.
- Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
- A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Fri May 9th, 2008 07:58 am |
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Sunday School
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.
"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Thu May 8th, 2008 02:40 pm |
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SueCarol - Here's an idea for you.
Attachment: OB!V[ZI}0!YYJ-HP}_F[+.jpg (Downloaded 82 times)
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Wed May 7th, 2008 02:47 pm |
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As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember .......
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
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law_girl428
Member
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Posted: Tue May 6th, 2008 01:11 pm |
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meinmd wrote: Why men shouldn't do housework
Looks like slingblade, LOL! 
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Tue May 6th, 2008 12:46 pm |
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| Why men shouldn't do housework Attachment: IQLZ7}S,2SCJXC6GO6]Z-.jpg (Downloaded 96 times)
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Tue May 6th, 2008 12:31 pm |
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Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
>
> She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
>
> She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned, and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... He said nothing.
>
> Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of
> Mildred's house...walked home...and left it there all night!!!
>
> You gotta love Frank!
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Mon May 5th, 2008 11:33 pm |
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Back in Session
A high school teacher was giving a true/false test. He was strolling up and down the aisles surveying the students at work. He came upon one student who was flipping a coin, then writing.
Teacher: What are you doing?
Student: Getting the answers to the test.
The teacher shook his head and walked on. A little while later, when everyone was finished with the test, the teacher noticed the student was again flipping the coin.
Teacher: Now what are you doing?
Student: I'm checking the answers.
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EasUrnShor
Member
| Joined: | Fri Sep 30th, 2005 |
| Location: | Maryland USA |
| Posts: | 103 |
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Posted: Mon May 5th, 2008 04:26 am |
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and
hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites
him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she
asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the
next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy
is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are
the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat May 3rd, 2008 12:09 am |
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Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every b usinessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win- win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Fri May 2nd, 2008 02:52 pm |
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A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."
"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Thu May 1st, 2008 02:53 pm |
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Wonderful jokes. I have actually stolen some and posted them on here.
http://www.newszapforums.com/forum58/56036.html
Last edited on Fri May 2nd, 2008 02:53 pm by meinmd
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csd teacher
Member
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Posted: Thu May 1st, 2008 01:26 am |
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A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fireman walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' he said with admiration.
'Thanks', the girl replied.
The fireman looked a little closer and noticed that the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little Partner,' the fireman said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
Last edited on Thu May 1st, 2008 01:27 am by csd teacher
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Wed Apr 30th, 2008 07:31 pm |
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| Thanks meinmd
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Wed Apr 30th, 2008 07:24 pm |
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ROSES & HANGING BASKETS
A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her!
'Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!'
and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother says,
'Loosen up,
Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets.
Happy Gardening.
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Wed Apr 30th, 2008 03:01 pm |
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| connecting the shirt to the pants with the tape would have been more effective
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Wed Apr 30th, 2008 02:54 pm |
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| Duct Tape use #102 Attachment: DuctTape.jpg (Downloaded 152 times)
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Wed Apr 30th, 2008 01:55 pm |
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| Two blondes walk into a building - You would think one of them would have seen it.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Wed Apr 30th, 2008 09:45 am |
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Ruling My Life
I know that economics is ruling my life when - I tried to calculate my 3 year old son's discount rate by seeing how many sweets he would require to be promised to him after dinner to be equivalent to one sweet before dinner - I spent one hour in a toy shop making up over 20 bundles of toys that could be purchased for $25 and then asked my son to select one of these bundles
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Mon Apr 28th, 2008 12:46 pm |
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Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws, and while there she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.Linda is a blond and a Democrat who is going to vote for Hillary, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.
Last edited on Mon Apr 28th, 2008 12:48 pm by Farmer
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sun Apr 27th, 2008 11:46 am |
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Black Cat
A mathematician, a theoretical economist and an econometrician are asked to find a black cat (who doesn't really exist) in a closed room with the lights off:
The mathematician gets crazy trying to find a black cat that doesn't exist inside the darkened room and ends up in a psychiatric hospital.
The theoretical economist is unable to catch the black cat that doesn't exist inside the darkened room, but exits the room proudly proclaiming that he can construct a model to describe all his movements with extreme accuracy.
The econometrician walks securely into the darkened room, spend one hour looking for the black cat that doesn't exits and shouts from inside the room that he has it catched by the neck."
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Mom of Two
Member
| Joined: | Mon Apr 30th, 2007 |
| Location: | Cambridge, USA |
| Posts: | 65 |
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Posted: Fri Apr 25th, 2008 09:39 am |
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Firing Squad
Jerry, Perry, and Cletus get captured and are placed before a firing squad. They are about to be executed when Jerry exclaims, "Look...Hurricane" and points to his left while he gets away.
Perry follows up with, "Look...Tornado," points and gets away.
Finally, Cletus tries to do the same thing and says "Fire!"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Mon Apr 21st, 2008 12:58 pm |
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Hikers
Two hikers are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.
They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first hiker gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
The second hiker says, "What are you doing?"
The first responds, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it."
The second says, "Are you crazy? Don’t you know you can't outrun a bear?
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you!"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sun Apr 20th, 2008 10:42 am |
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Baseball and the Tramp
The ball had been knocked out of the stadium into the lane and everybody was out looking for it.
One of the players came across an old tramp, lying in the shade.
'Excuse me' said the Baseballer, 'but have you seen a baseball?'
'No, I haven't,' replied the tramp. 'But I've brought one from home I could sell you!'
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EasUrnShor
Member
| Joined: | Fri Sep 30th, 2005 |
| Location: | Maryland USA |
| Posts: | 103 |
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Offline
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Posted: Fri Apr 18th, 2008 03:34 am |
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According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the
maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 17th, 2008 02:30 pm |
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Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and
one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away...
Florida
or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 17th, 2008 10:02 am |
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Bill & Boris
Bill and Boris are taking a break from a long summit, Boris says to Bill, -Bill, you know, I have a big problem I don't know what to do about. I have a hundred bodyguards and one of them is a traitor. I don't know which one. -Not a big deal Boris, I'm stuck with a hundred economists I have to listen to all the time before any policy decision, and only one tells the truth but it's never the same one.
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Tue Apr 15th, 2008 01:20 pm |
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A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Tue Apr 15th, 2008 11:13 am |
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Tennessee Ten Commandments
Some people in Tennessee have trouble with
all those 'shall's' and 'shall not's' in the
Ten Commandments. Folks just aren't used
to talking in those terms. So, some folks in
middle Tennessee got together and
translated the 'King James' into 'Jackson
County' language.....
No joke, read on...
The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments
(posted on the wall at
Cross Trails Church in
Gainesboro, TN )
(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin' before God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(8) Don't take what ain't yers
(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't
ya think?
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Mon Apr 14th, 2008 12:25 pm |
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SOCIALISM
You have two cows. The government takes one to give to someone else.
COMMUNISM
You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you the milk.
FASCISM
You have two cows. The government takes both and sells you the milk.
NAZISM
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRACY
You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one and pours the milk down the drain.
CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Apr 12th, 2008 10:36 am |
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Qualified Accountant
The company personnel department had carefully interviewed thirty-eight people for the job of assistant to the financial director.
The chief executive thought that one candidate - Charles - seemed ideal. Charles had been to a major public school. Not only was he a qualified accountant, but Charles also had a masters degree in business administration. He seemed fully aware of the latest creative accountancy techniques.
'Charles,' said the chief executive, we've decided to offer you the job. And as you're so well qualified we've decided to start you off on a slightly higher salary than the one advertised. We'll pay you 36,000 pounds a year.
'Thank you,' replied Charles. 'But how much is that per month?'
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Mom of Two
Member
| Joined: | Mon Apr 30th, 2007 |
| Location: | Cambridge, USA |
| Posts: | 65 |
| Status: |
Offline
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Posted: Thu Apr 10th, 2008 11:42 pm |
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SKI TRIP
Jim decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jim's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house'
'Don't worry,' Jim said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later , Jim got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' said Bob
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes, 'Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 10th, 2008 12:13 pm |
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My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility that
was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music and candlelight.
"What do you think?" she said
He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"
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thinkfirst
Member
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Posted: Wed Apr 9th, 2008 02:57 pm |
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