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Corn Nugget
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Posted: Tue Aug 26th, 2008 03:02 pm |
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Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,
Kentuckians, Tennesseeans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .
And furthermore
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN.'
2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
(Loved this one!)
3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'previously enjoyed COMPANION.'
5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
' LOW COST PROVIDER.'
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)
6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'REAR CLEAVAGE.'
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Tue Aug 19th, 2008 05:20 pm |
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| "I just built a time machine. Trouble is, it will only take me back to when I started to build it. On the bright side, at least I know where to get the parts."
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poncho
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| Joined: | Fri Mar 10th, 2006 |
| Location: | Maryland USA |
| Posts: | 383 |
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Posted: Sat Aug 16th, 2008 11:53 am |
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| Good Story pineknot--don't worry, be happy. I still can't figure out how to copy & paste in this thread so instead of wasting time on it, I'll read what others have to share, glad I read yours.
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bigbear from the north
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Posted: Sat Aug 16th, 2008 02:04 am |
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| Took some effort to read, but it was actually a pretty decent story. Not really silly at all.
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pineknot
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Posted: Sat Aug 16th, 2008 02:00 am |
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| How do I get rid of something that is posted. My posting is just silly. I can't delete it.
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pineknot
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Posted: Sat Aug 16th, 2008 01:30 am |
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HAVE A GREAT DAY TODAY!| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]The first day of school our Professor introduced himself and[/size][/color][/font] |
challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know.| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2] I stood [/size][/color][/font][font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder.[/size][/color][/font] |
I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]with a smile that lit up her entire being.[/size][/color][/font] |
She said, "Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty- seven years| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]old. Can I give you a hug?"[/size][/color][/font] |
I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course you may!" and | [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]she [/size][/color][/font][font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]gave me a giant squeeze.[/size][/color][/font] |
"Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?" I asked.| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2] [/size][/color][/font][font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married,[/size][/color][/font] |
and have a couple of kids."| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2] [/size][/color][/font][font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]"No seriously," I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her[/size][/color][/font] |
to be taking on this challenge at her age.| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2][/size][/color][/font][font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]"I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting[/size][/color][/font] |
one!" she told me.| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2] [/size][/color][/font][font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]After class we walked to the student union building and shared a[/size][/color][/font] |
chocolate milkshake.| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2] We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we[/size][/color][/font] |
would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]listening to this "time machine" as she shared her wisdom and experience with [/size][/color][/font] |
me.| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2] [/size][/color][/font][font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily[/size][/color][/font] |
made friends wherever she went.| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2] [/size][/color][/font][font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon[/size][/color][/font] |
her from the other students. She was living it up.| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2] [/size][/color][/font][font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet I'll [/size][/color][/font] |
never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she [/size][/color][/font] |
dropped her three by five cards on the floor.| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2] [/size][/color][/font][font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone[/size][/color][/font] |
and simply | [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]said, "I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and[/size][/color][/font] |
this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2] so [/size][/color][/font][font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]let me just tell you what I know." [/size][/color][/font] |
| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, "We do not stop[/size][/color][/font] |
playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing.| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2] [/size][/color][/font] |
There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy,| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2] and achieving [/size][/color][/font][font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]success. You have to laugh and find humor every day.[/size][/color][/font] |
You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2] We have so many people walking around who [/size][/color][/font] |
are dead and don't even know it! | [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]There is a huge difference between growing [/size][/color][/font] |
older and growing up. | [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full [/size][/color][/font] |
year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2] old.[/size][/color][/font] |
If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2] do anything I will [/size][/color][/font][font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]turn eighty-eight. Anybody can grow older. [/size][/color][/font] |
That doesn't take any talent or | [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change.[/size][/color][/font] |
Have no regrets. The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2] did, but rather for [/size][/color][/font][font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]things we did not do.[/size][/color][/font] |
The only people who fear death are those with regrets."| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2] [/size][/color][/font] |
She concluded her speech by courageously singing "The Rose." | [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]She challenged each [/size][/color][/font][font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]of us to study the lyrics and live them out in[/size][/color][/font] |
our daily lives.| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2] [/size][/color][/font] |
At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2] begun all those years [/size][/color][/font][font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]ago.[/size][/color][/font] |
One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep.| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2] [/size][/color][/font] |
Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2]the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's never[/size][/color][/font] |
too late to be all you can possibly be.| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2] [/size][/color][/font] |
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Corn Nugget
Member
| Joined: | Wed Feb 14th, 2007 |
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Posted: Fri Aug 15th, 2008 09:24 pm |
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Heaven and Hell
A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said,Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like." The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water. The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful,but because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering. The Lord said, "You have seen Hell."
They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking. The holy man said,"I don't understand." It is simple" said the Lord, "it requires but one skill. You see, they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves."
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Thu Jul 24th, 2008 05:09 pm |
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That might hurt!!
Attachment: bk.jpg (Downloaded 65 times)
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bigbear from the north
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| Joined: | Sun Oct 2nd, 2005 |
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Posted: Sun Jul 20th, 2008 11:29 pm |
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| Gonna get to heaven one way or another! Attachment: img011.jpg (Downloaded 81 times)
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nsas64
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| Joined: | Sat Mar 1st, 2008 |
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Posted: Sat Jul 19th, 2008 12:34 pm |
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THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY
& Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
& Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
& Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
& Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
& Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
& Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
& Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
& Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
& Doctor' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
[size= ]
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Fri Jul 18th, 2008 11:29 pm |
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Pretty blunt
Attachment: las.jpg (Downloaded 98 times)
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Thu Jul 17th, 2008 04:46 pm |
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| . Attachment: twin157l.jpg (Downloaded 103 times)
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Wed Jul 16th, 2008 09:57 pm |
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Corn Nugget wrote: I am not sure I like this one.........
I think they have a similar model for "coworkers" but the figure is bent over forward and the knives enter from the back side.Last edited on Thu Jul 17th, 2008 04:44 pm by Farmer
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Corn Nugget
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| Joined: | Wed Feb 14th, 2007 |
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| Posts: | 1149 |
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Posted: Wed Jul 16th, 2008 08:28 pm |
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| I am not sure I like this one......... Attachment: knife block.jpg (Downloaded 112 times) Last edited on Wed Jul 16th, 2008 08:29 pm by Corn Nugget
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Mon Jul 14th, 2008 01:37 pm |
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Want a home with some privacy?
Attachment: house7.jpg (Downloaded 122 times)
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Corn Nugget
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| Joined: | Wed Feb 14th, 2007 |
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| Posts: | 1149 |
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Posted: Fri Jul 11th, 2008 02:53 pm |
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| Redneck seafood dinner..........look closely. Attachment: Seafood dinner.bmp (Downloaded 141 times)
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Fri Jul 11th, 2008 01:57 pm |
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| If white wine goes with fish do white grapes go with sushi?
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Thu Jul 3rd, 2008 09:01 pm |
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| . Attachment: antiwar_protesters.jpg (Downloaded 150 times)
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Thu Jul 3rd, 2008 12:40 pm |
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| . Attachment: prowarsign1.jpg (Downloaded 152 times)
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Wed Jul 2nd, 2008 09:18 pm |
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| . Attachment: gas_prices_lol.jpg (Downloaded 148 times)
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Tue Jul 1st, 2008 08:26 pm |
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| . Attachment: obama_kennedy_drive.jpg (Downloaded 151 times)
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Imagine
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| Joined: | Thu May 29th, 2008 |
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| Posts: | 86 |
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Posted: Mon Jun 30th, 2008 03:40 pm |
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republican_ronald wrote: Ponderable:
If Seven Eleven is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days of the year... then why do the 711 buildings have locks on the doors?
hmmm...
Unfortunately, I know the answer to this one. Years ago I was at a convience store that was open 24/7 during a storm. The power went out in the store and the employees immediately locked everyone in the store and checked each person to make sure that they didn't have anything that they didn't pay for.
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Mon Jun 30th, 2008 03:28 pm |
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One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
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republican_ronald
Member
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Posted: Sat Jun 28th, 2008 08:08 pm |
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Ponderable:
If Seven Eleven is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days of the year... then why do the 711 buildings have locks on the doors?
hmmm...
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cambridgehighalum
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| Joined: | Thu Apr 17th, 2008 |
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| Posts: | 137 |
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Posted: Fri Jun 27th, 2008 06:40 pm |
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Farmer wrote: Better than getting fried, I guess
OK, that's disturbing.
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eeea
Member
| Joined: | Sat Dec 22nd, 2007 |
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| Posts: | 66 |
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Posted: Fri Jun 27th, 2008 06:36 pm |
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| Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Thu Jun 26th, 2008 11:12 pm |
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| Better than getting fried, I guess Attachment: ik.bmp (Downloaded 223 times)
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Wed Jun 25th, 2008 05:12 pm |
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| Specific use only!! Attachment: signs1.jpg (Downloaded 210 times) Last edited on Wed Jun 25th, 2008 05:12 pm by Farmer
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Mon Jun 23rd, 2008 04:00 pm |
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| Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone is going to clean them?
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Sat Jun 21st, 2008 02:59 pm |
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Paid in advance?
Attachment: pl.bmp (Downloaded 228 times)
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Thu Jun 19th, 2008 09:07 pm |
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That should work.
Attachment: signs10.jpg (Downloaded 216 times)
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Thu Jun 19th, 2008 04:01 pm |
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| If it is tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
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Stormkitty
Member
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Posted: Wed Jun 18th, 2008 07:06 pm |
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| Why are there fences around cemeteries? I don't know of anyone who wants to get in and those there surely aren't trying to get out.
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Wed Jun 18th, 2008 05:08 pm |
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| I still want to know why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Wed Jun 18th, 2008 04:20 pm |
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| If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Tue Jun 17th, 2008 08:16 pm |
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| Why isn't there a strawberry long cake?
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Tue Jun 17th, 2008 08:14 pm |
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| If something was miss-spelled in a dictionary how would we know
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Tue Jun 17th, 2008 01:47 pm |
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| Why is the best pencil a #2?
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Tue Jun 17th, 2008 12:40 pm |
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| Why is the fear of long words called hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia? Last edited on Tue Jun 17th, 2008 12:41 pm by meinmd
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Jun 14th, 2008 10:37 am |
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What's another word for thesaurus?
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Fri Jun 13th, 2008 02:55 pm |
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| What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon?
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Thu Jun 12th, 2008 03:43 pm |
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| Banks will only lend you money if you can prove you don't need it.
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Thu Jun 12th, 2008 03:39 pm |
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| Why do banks charge you a " non sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Wed Jun 11th, 2008 07:03 pm |
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| Why do old women die their hair blue?
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Tue Jun 10th, 2008 10:25 am |
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If a tree falls on a mime, does it make a sound?
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Mon Jun 9th, 2008 03:01 pm |
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| . Attachment: rban111l.jpg (Downloaded 279 times)
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Fri Jun 6th, 2008 05:23 pm |
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| Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
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meinmd
Member
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Posted: Thu Jun 5th, 2008 07:11 pm |
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| Isn't Disneyland a people trap operated by a mouse? Last edited on Thu Jun 5th, 2008 07:12 pm by meinmd
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Farmer
Member
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Posted: Wed Jun 4th, 2008 04:20 pm |
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| When they invented the first clock, how did they know where to set it?
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meinmd
Member
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