| Author | Post |
|---|
DavidB
Member
| Joined: | Thu Jul 3rd, 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 335 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Fri Nov 21st, 2008 06:03 am |
|
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out
of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John
tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
"clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at
the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got
angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand,
grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked
and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a
peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John
quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto
John's outstretched arms and said,
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend
to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the
bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
|
DavidB
Member
| Joined: | Thu Jul 3rd, 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 335 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Thu Nov 6th, 2008 01:02 am |
|
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6DwN-zt-24
|
morgan
Member
| Joined: | Fri Mar 24th, 2006 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 457 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Fri Oct 17th, 2008 02:42 pm |
|
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?
Those 2 definately hit the LOL with me this morning - definately can relate.
|
jrenae
Member
|
Posted: Thu Oct 16th, 2008 01:08 am |
|
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
OMGosh! LOL!
I think of such things about Donald Duck that was put perfectly on Friends: "Donald Duck never wears pants. But when he gets out ofthe bath, there's a towel around his waste. I mean, what's that all about?"
Last edited on Thu Oct 16th, 2008 01:11 am by jrenae
|
bigwavedave
Member
| Joined: | Tue May 22nd, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 608 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Wed Oct 15th, 2008 07:40 pm |
|
Warning....if you receive an e mail that says it contains nude pictures of Sarah Palin, do not open as it may contain a virus.
If you receive an e mail that says it contains nude pictures of Hillary Clinton, do not open as it may contain nude pictures of Hillary Clinton!
|
DavidB
Member
| Joined: | Thu Jul 3rd, 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 335 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Wed Oct 15th, 2008 05:42 pm |
|
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !'
The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful America!'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not American!'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?'
The African lady checks her watch and says... 'Probably at work!'
|
DavidB
Member
| Joined: | Thu Jul 3rd, 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 335 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Mon Sep 1st, 2008 05:41 am |
|
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over
10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's
certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began
to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft. Suddenly
there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside
the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead
gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman
and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a
cigarette?'
'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and
un-zipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and
pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes
a long drag. 'Faith and begorra, 'said the man, 'that is so good I'd
almost forgotten how great a smoke can be! '
'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey'
asked the blonde. Trembling, the cast-away replied,
'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve
un-zips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened
the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the
Irishman.
'Tis truly fantastic!!!'
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly un-zip the long front
of her wet suit, right down the middle She looked at the trembling man and
asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?' With tears in
his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed;
'Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?!'
|
DavidB
Member
| Joined: | Thu Jul 3rd, 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 335 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Wed Aug 27th, 2008 03:54 pm |
|
A man owned a small contracting business in Salem , Oregon .
The Oregon Wage & Hours Department claimed he was
not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out
to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,'
demanded the agent.
'Well,' replied the owner, 'there's my framer who's been
with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room
and board. The sider has been here for 18 months, and I pay
him $550 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every
day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes
about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy
him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also
sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the
agent.
'That would be me,' replied the owner.
|
DavidB
Member
| Joined: | Thu Jul 3rd, 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 335 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Mon Aug 25th, 2008 07:16 pm |
|
Why, Why, Why
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are
getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is
not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a
revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give
the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping
cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well,
it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you idiot?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off
the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when
we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
|
FAIRNSQUARE
Member
|
Posted: Fri Aug 22nd, 2008 08:12 pm |
|
Kids say the funniest things!
My almost 3 yr old daughter Gloria was watching tv as I made breakfast. I can hear her very excited, yelling and making a ruckus. Soon she yells to me (exactly how it sounded):
"Mooooommm I waashing Go'eorge Loopiz! I waashing Go'eorge Loopiz!"
I turn and see her jumping all over the place and pointing at the tv. Concerned that she might of changed the channel - I go to the living room to see exactly what she is looking at.
To my surprise, it is not George Lopez she is watching; it is Curious George!
|
Bambi
Member
| Joined: | Tue Sep 19th, 2006 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 3282 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Fri Aug 22nd, 2008 04:48 pm |
|
Hey DavidB. That was cute. Sounds like our primitive urges still rule. Try this one:
HOW TO STOP CHURCH GOSSIP
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned, and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... He said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of
Mildred's house...walked home...and left it there all night!!!
You gotta love Frank 
Last edited on Fri Aug 22nd, 2008 04:55 pm by Bambi
|
DavidB
Member
| Joined: | Thu Jul 3rd, 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 335 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Fri Aug 22nd, 2008 01:28 pm |
|
UCLA STUDY - VERY INTERESTING
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending
on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is
ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in
his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected.
|
Molly Browne
Member
|
Posted: Fri Aug 15th, 2008 08:54 pm |
|
Now this is a really funny joke to get your weekend started!
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"
|
Molly Browne
Member
|
Posted: Fri Aug 15th, 2008 08:16 pm |
|
Blonde Logic
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
What a year!! Too funny! FYI, I'm a blonde. The funniest part is that we can get away with stupid little things because we make it look good!! Even-though I graduated with honors in Physics and Astronomy, I only recently learned how to pump my own gas. I've never had to do that before. Out here people won't come to the aid of a pretty blonde at a gas station.Last edited on Fri Aug 15th, 2008 08:55 pm by Molly Browne
|
Molly Browne
Member
|
Posted: Fri Aug 15th, 2008 07:56 pm |
|
Molly Browne wrote: A new two year degree is being offered at Life University...
Becoming a Real Man!
That's right, in just six terms, you too can be a real man.
Please take a moment to look over the program outline:
FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule
MEN 101...Combating Stupidity
MEN 102...You too can do housework
MEN 103...PMS - Learn when to keep your mouth shut
MEN 104...We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas
Winter Schedule
MEN 110...Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111...Understanding the female responses to getting in at 4 a.m.
MEN 112...Parenting: It doesn't end with conception
MEN 113...Get a life, learn to cook
Spring Schedule
MEN 120...How NOT to act like an asshole when you're wrong
MEN 121...Understanding your incompetence
MEN 122...You, the weaker sex
MEN 123...Reasons to give flowers
SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule
SEX 101...You CAN fall asleep without it
SEX 102...Morning Dilemma: If it's awake, take a shower
MEN 201...How to stay awake after sex
MEN 202...How to put the toilet seat down
Winter Schedule
MEN 210...The remote control: Overcoming your dependencies
MEN 211...How NOT to act younger that your children
MEN 212...You too can be a designated driver
MEN 213...Honest - You don't look like Russel Wong - Especially naked
Spring Schedule
MEN 220...Omitting @#%! from your vocabulary
MEN 221...Fluffing the blanket after farting is not necessary
MEN 222...Real men ask for directions
MEN 223...Thirty minutes of begging is not considered foreplay
My husband must have recieved honors in these courses. My husband ROCKS!!!
|
bigwavedave
Member
| Joined: | Tue May 22nd, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 608 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Fri Aug 15th, 2008 07:49 pm |
|
THE HUSBAND STORE
Recently, a new store has opened and it has become very popular but there are a few simple rules.
Women may only enter the store ONCE to make a purchase. There are six floors, and the attributes of the men on sale on each floor are detailed outside. Although you can choose a man from any floor, once you have entered a particular floor you must make a purchase there. You cannot go back down, except when you exit the building.
So a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a lifelong partner. On the first floor the sign outside reads: Floor 1-These men have jobs love the Lord. She moves on the the next floor.
On the next floor the sign reads: Floor 2-These men have jobs, love the Lord and love kids. She keeps going
The sign outside the third floor reads: Floor 3-These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids and are extremely good looking. Still she moves up.
Next sign she sees is: Floor 4-These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. Excited now, she proceeds to the next floor.
The sign outside the fifth floor reads: Floor 5-These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. Although she is tempted to make her purchase from this floor, she can't wait to see what is available on the sixth.
Reaching for the door handle to enter the floor area, she notices the sign outside. Floor 6-You are visitor number 4,634,289 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists simply to prove that women are impossible to please. Exit this way.....
Last edited on Fri Aug 15th, 2008 11:23 pm by bigwavedave
|
Molly Browne
Member
|
Posted: Fri Aug 15th, 2008 06:51 pm |
|
A new two year degree is being offered at Life University...
Becoming a Real Man!
That's right, in just six terms, you too can be a real man.
Please take a moment to look over the program outline:
FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule
MEN 101...Combating Stupidity
MEN 102...You too can do housework
MEN 103...PMS - Learn when to keep your mouth shut
MEN 104...We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas
Winter Schedule
MEN 110...Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111...Understanding the female responses to getting in at 4 a.m.
MEN 112...Parenting: It doesn't end with conception
MEN 113...Get a life, learn to cook
Spring Schedule
MEN 120...How NOT to act like an asshole when you're wrong
MEN 121...Understanding your incompetence
MEN 122...You, the weaker sex
MEN 123...Reasons to give flowers
SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule
SEX 101...You CAN fall asleep without it
SEX 102...Morning Dilemma: If it's awake, take a shower
MEN 201...How to stay awake after sex
MEN 202...How to put the toilet seat down
Winter Schedule
MEN 210...The remote control: Overcoming your dependencies
MEN 211...How NOT to act younger that your children
MEN 212...You too can be a designated driver
MEN 213...Honest - You don't look like Russel Wong - Especially naked
Spring Schedule
MEN 220...Omitting @#%! from your vocabulary
MEN 221...Fluffing the blanket after farting is not necessary
MEN 222...Real men ask for directions
MEN 223...Thirty minutes of begging is not considered foreplay
Last edited on Fri Aug 15th, 2008 06:52 pm by Molly Browne
|
Molly Browne
Member
|
Posted: Fri Aug 15th, 2008 06:35 pm |
|
Living with the girlfriend
One night, this guy is invited out for a night with the guys. He promised his live-in girlfriend that he would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down smooth, and before he knew it, it was 2:30 a.m. Drunk as a skunk, he headed for home.
Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, he realized that she'd probably wake up, so he was quite proud of himself when he thought to cuckoo nine more times. Even in his drunken haze, he fell asleep smiling about how he had escaped a possible conflict.
The next morning, his girlfriend asked him what time he got in, and he replied, "Twelve." She didn't seem disturbed at all, which made the guy feel even better.
She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.
"Why is that?" he asked.
"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, said "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."
Sounds like the girl needs a new man not a new clock!!
|
DavidB
Member
| Joined: | Thu Jul 3rd, 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 335 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Fri Aug 15th, 2008 10:27 am |
|
A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their
exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to
their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and
walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want
a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce
lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get
a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean ,
no more summers in Tuscany , no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no
more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to
two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young
woman on his arm.
"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
She replies, "Ours is prettier."
|
BlackBerry
Member
| Joined: | Mon Aug 14th, 2006 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 63 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Thu Aug 14th, 2008 09:01 am |
|
My favorite youtube pranks.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5WtlYktUk0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCZKrAnRTfg&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUL8bHgV7b4
|
Molly Browne
Member
|
Posted: Mon Aug 11th, 2008 07:02 pm |
|
clu wrote: If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you to in the first place!
Exactly! Remember: If momma isn't happy, no one is happy! 
|
bigwavedave
Member
| Joined: | Tue May 22nd, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 608 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Mon Aug 11th, 2008 12:46 am |
|
I can attest to that because last winter there was a day that was so cold I saw that lawyer walking aroud with his hands in his OWN pockets!!
|
clu
Member
| Joined: | Fri Nov 4th, 2005 |
| Location: | TOQC |
| Posts: | 515 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Sun Aug 10th, 2008 06:22 pm |
|
A high-priced attorney, a low-priced attorney, and Santa Claus sat at a table. A $50 bill was on the table. The lights suddenly went out. When the lights came back on, the $50 bill was gone.
Who took the money?
Answer: The high-priced attorney. The other two are just figments of your imagination.
Last edited on Sun Aug 10th, 2008 06:22 pm by clu
|
clu
Member
| Joined: | Fri Nov 4th, 2005 |
| Location: | TOQC |
| Posts: | 515 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Sun Aug 10th, 2008 06:19 pm |
|
If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you to in the first place!
|
jrenae
Member
|
Posted: Sat Aug 9th, 2008 07:50 am |
|
I remember when my mom would pop her popcorn out in the carport late at night because the corn popper machine was so loud it would wake everyone. She did this even when it was 20 degrees outside! lol
My 8yo daughter complains of being bored a lot and has this idea that she constantly needs to be entertained. It's really frustrating despite my insistance to her that as her mother, i'm requires to love, care for, and nurture her, but "entertaining" her is not a 24/7 job for me and she has to deal with a lot of that herself. Yeah, she wouldn't have lasted five minutes in 1985!! Then again, maybe she would once she figures out that PLAYING OUTSIDE (not in summer though) or in her room with toys that don't necessarily plug in and using your imagination was great entertainment.
|
Molly Browne
Member
|
Posted: Fri Aug 8th, 2008 10:11 pm |
|
morgan wrote: > THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
>
> If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
>
> When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
> with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were
> when they were growing up; what with walking
> twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways
>
> yadda, yadda, yadda
>
> And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
> there was no way in hell I was going to lay
> a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it
> and how easy they've got it!
> But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
> thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of
> today.
>
> You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
> childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
> And I hate to say it but you kids today you
> don't know how good you've got it!
>
> I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The
> Internet . If we wanted to know something,
> we had to go to the damn library and
> look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
> There was no email!! We had to actually write
> somebody a letter .with a pen!
> Then you had to walk all the way across the street and
> put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get
> there!
>
> There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to
> steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and
> shoplift it yourself!
> Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and
> the
> DJ'd usually talk over the
> beginning and @#*% it all up!
> We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
> were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy
> signal, that's it!
>
> And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
> When the phone rang, you
> had no idea who it was! It could be your school,
> your mom, your boss, your
> bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
> just didn't know!!! You had
> to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
>
> We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
> games with high-resolution
> 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
> like 'Space Invaders' and
> 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You
> actually had to use your
> imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or
> screens, it was just one screen
> forever!
>
> And you could never win. The game just kept getting
> harder and harder and
> faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
>
> When you went to the movie theater there no such
> thing as stadium seating!
> All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy
> or some old broad with a hat
> sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were
> just screwed!
>
> Sure, we had cable television, but back then that
> was only like 15 channels
> and there was no on screen menu and no remote
> control! You had to use a
> little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
> on! You were screwed when it
> came to channel surfing! You had to get off
> your ass and walk over to the TV to change the
> channel and there was no
> Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
> on Saturday Morning. Do you
> hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
> for cartoons!
>
> And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
> something up we had to
> use the stove or go build a frigging fire ..
> imagine that! If we wanted
> popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing
> and shake it over the stove
> forever like an idiot.
>
> That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
> today have got it too easy.
> You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
> five minutes back in 1980!
>
> Regards,
> The over 30 Crowd
>
This is hillarious!! And yet it is absolutely true!! Only a few things I have to say though: I thought the popcorn in the foil pan with the metal loop for a handle tasted gross, so we used a large pressure cooker pot that made enough popcorn to feed an army. Also, when cartoons only came on once a week (Sat.) you had to get up really early because they came on early and only for a short time. Kids today like to sleep their Saturdays away. Video games - Pizza Hut used to have tables with Atari video games built-in. And computers were monochromatic, boring, and used flimsy floppy discs. Don't forget that when our parents hiked uphill both ways it was always snowing. Also, most kids wore clothes that our parents or grandparents made. Think about that when you just have to have the latest Abercrombie & Fitch outfit.
HAHAHAHA!!!
|
DavidB
Member
| Joined: | Thu Jul 3rd, 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 335 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Fri Aug 8th, 2008 05:13 pm |
|
| Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking population, a farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond, using his hand. The farmer shouts: 'Trink das Wasser nicht. Die Kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.' (Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have "used" it' [it has cow manure in it!]) The man shouts back: 'I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama, I can't understand you. Please speak English.' The farmer says: 'Use two hands, you'll get more!!
|
bigwavedave
Member
| Joined: | Tue May 22nd, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 608 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Thu Aug 7th, 2008 04:03 am |
|
| DIV { MARGIN: 0px } A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?' To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Buzz off, ye'll no bring it back!'
|
morgan
Member
| Joined: | Fri Mar 24th, 2006 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 457 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Thu Aug 7th, 2008 02:39 am |
|
> THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
>
> If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
>
> When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
> with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were
> when they were growing up; what with walking
> twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways
>
> yadda, yadda, yadda
>
> And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
> there was no way in hell I was going to lay
> a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it
> and how easy they've got it!
> But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
> thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of
> today.
>
> You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
> childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
> And I hate to say it but you kids today you
> don't know how good you've got it!
>
> I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The
> Internet . If we wanted to know something,
> we had to go to the damn library and
> look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
> There was no email!! We had to actually write
> somebody a letter .with a pen!
> Then you had to walk all the way across the street and
> put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get
> there!
>
> There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to
> steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and
> shoplift it yourself!
> Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and
> the
> DJ'd usually talk over the
> beginning and @#*% it all up!
> We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
> were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy
> signal, that's it!
>
> And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
> When the phone rang, you
> had no idea who it was! It could be your school,
> your mom, your boss, your
> bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
> just didn't know!!! You had
> to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
>
> We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
> games with high-resolution
> 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
> like 'Space Invaders' and
> 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You
> actually had to use your
> imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or
> screens, it was just one screen
> forever!
>
> And you could never win. The game just kept getting
> harder and harder and
> faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
>
> When you went to the movie theater there no such
> thing as stadium seating!
> All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy
> or some old broad with a hat
> sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were
> just screwed!
>
> Sure, we had cable television, but back then that
> was only like 15 channels
> and there was no on screen menu and no remote
> control! You had to use a
> little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
> on! You were screwed when it
> came to channel surfing! You had to get off
> your ass and walk over to the TV to change the
> channel and there was no
> Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
> on Saturday Morning. Do you
> hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
> for cartoons!
>
> And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
> something up we had to
> use the stove or go build a frigging fire ..
> imagine that! If we wanted
> popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing
> and shake it over the stove
> forever like an idiot.
>
> That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
> today have got it too easy.
> You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
> five minutes back in 1980!
>
> Regards,
> The over 30 Crowd
>
|
DavidB
Member
| Joined: | Thu Jul 3rd, 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 335 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Fri Jul 25th, 2008 06:39 am |
|
WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS:
Dear William,
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving
my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more
than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When
I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the
neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34 , and we have been married for
twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that
they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to
stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago,
and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I
love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has
become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I
can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely
Mary
Dear Mary,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and
hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If
none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump
itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float
chamber. I hope this helps.
-WilliamLast edited on Mon Jul 28th, 2008 02:08 am by DavidB
|
jrenae
Member
|
Posted: Fri Jul 25th, 2008 05:17 am |
|
Achmed is "okay", but Peanut kicks butt over Achmed. And I can relate to Walter too much on some days!
|
DavidB
Member
| Joined: | Thu Jul 3rd, 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 335 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Fri Jul 25th, 2008 03:31 am |
|
Great stuff, guys. Thanks for sharing!
This is one of my all time favorites on youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go
Last edited on Fri Jul 25th, 2008 03:32 am by DavidB
|
jrenae
Member
|
Posted: Fri Jul 25th, 2008 02:59 am |
|
It's no secret that I'm in love with Hugh Laurie (though I don't think it's ever come up on THIS forum! lol) - especially his "Fry and Laurie" days. I love him on "House", but he's so "scruffy" on House.
These three "fry and Laurie" clips are my favorite, and of course, Hugh is absolutely adorable:
(Lisa, show this first one to your hubby):
Vet's office/"Mr. Burmie"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znZuH2BU0FE&NR=1
"Be Nice" (Good Azz Mother Liker)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdRfhARwGoI&mode=related&search=
It's hilarious to see two pale Brits doing gangsta rap about being polite (and having one of them being Hugh Laurie sure helps! lol). The first page of comments (directly below the video) has the lyrics in case you missed any of them.
Police station sketch
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0npR64qy2qY&NR=1
I'm usually not into physical comedy, but this one is quite the exception. Cracks me up.
|
nilbog
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 10th, 2006 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 293 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Thu Jul 24th, 2008 11:28 pm |
|
ITALIAN SPIDERMAN!!!!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=UhHhXukovMU
Who said it, George Bush or Batman?
http://youtube.com/watch?v=XPugAcQILRY
|
jrenae
Member
|
Posted: Thu Jul 24th, 2008 07:06 pm |
|
Ooooh! That's good!
I'll post my favorite funny YouTube videos:
This one is hilarious, though some may not "get it" the first take:
Fox Hat:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfMUwCKtWMI
"Real Men of Genuis - Mr. Way Too Proud of Texas":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apMyjOAacyA&feature=related
Actor Jay Thomas telling the class Clayton Moore/Lone Ranger story:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhB4kDwZu7M
|
DavidB
Member
| Joined: | Thu Jul 3rd, 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 335 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Thu Jul 24th, 2008 04:45 pm |
|
I don't know if this will gain any traction, but I thought it might be a good idea to try to lighten things up a little here. I am as guilty as anyone of getting all riled up over issues that are important to me, but humor always seems to help me slow down. My ex-wife / broom joke didn't seem to go over too well. I thought it was pretty darn funny.
So anyway, here goes:
At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking
chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were
so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit
some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after
all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make
it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final
they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said
that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire.
As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could
make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave
them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.
Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was
going to be easy.... Then they turned the page. On the second page was written....
For 95 points: Which tire? _________
|
Current time is 10:24 pm | |
|
|
|