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Helen here
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Posted: Sun Nov 1st, 2009 02:11 am |
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| Chewy came home , you know how them black labs are !
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Runnerman
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Posted: Fri Oct 30th, 2009 12:07 am |
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Helen and the Talking Dog
A guy is driving around Cheswold and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the Helen appears and tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks."
Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story? "The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eaves- dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down .I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks Helen what she wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.
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Helen here
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Posted: Wed Jun 10th, 2009 02:46 am |
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Runnerman
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Posted: Fri May 22nd, 2009 02:40 am |
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Helen Meets God
Our dear Helen was suffering some chest pains and is taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. A bright light approaches her and as she the light gets brighter, she sees God and wonders if, "This is it..."
God, omnipotent as he is, reads her minde and definitely says:
"No. This is not it." He goes on to explain that she has another 30 to 40 years to live.
The bright light fades away and the woman begins to awake. After her complete recovery, the woman decides to stay in the hospital and get a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in to change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 to 40 years she might as well make the most of it.
After the last operation, she walks out of the hospital and right in the parking lot, she's killed by an ambulance speeding up to the emergency room!
She approaches the white light again and finally arrives before God. Sheasks, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" To which God replied:
"Helen? Is that you? Oh, dear. Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
Last edited on Fri May 22nd, 2009 02:42 am by Runnerman
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Runnerman
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Posted: Thu May 14th, 2009 02:24 am |
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Helen Phones Her Lawyer
Helen phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day Helen again phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."
Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day Helen makes her regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer."
"Excuse me Ma'am," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
Helen replies, "Because I love hearing it!"
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Runnerman
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Posted: Tue Apr 7th, 2009 02:31 pm |
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Helen, You Can Ring My Bell...
Helen is walking down the street one day when she notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy was very small and the doorbell was just too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, Helen moved closer to the boy's position.
She stepped smartly across the street, walked up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the childs level, Helen smiles benevolently and says, "There you go! And now what, my little man?"
And with a grin, the boy replies,
"Now we run like hell!"
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Helen here
Member
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Posted: Fri Mar 20th, 2009 04:56 pm |
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Looks like you may have to change the input of my name in your jokes
And put some of our government officials
Like Obama , Reid , Dodd , Franks , Pelosi and now our new Governor Elect adding
the past one too!
Oh golly gee
They are all dimocraps or demowitts
Last edited on Fri Mar 20th, 2009 05:24 pm by Helen here
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Runnerman
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Posted: Tue Mar 10th, 2009 01:09 am |
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Helen goes Ice Fishing
One day, a rather inebriated Helen decided to go ice fishing. She found a rather large body of ice and drilled a hole in the ice and peered deeply into the hole examining it for fish. Suddenly, a loud voice boomed, "There are no fish down there!
Surprised, but not discouraged, Helen continued on. She walked several yards away, drilled another hole and peered deeply into it. Again, out of nowhere, a voice suddenly boomed, "There's no fish down there."
A bit nervous now, Helen managed to continue. She walked about 50 yards away and drilled yet another hole, peered long and deep into the hole, hoping for some fish. Suddenly, the voice boomed again, this time louder than ever, "There's no fish down there!!!"
Helen, quite frightened at this point, looked up into the sky and asked, "God!? Is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said. "It's the rink manager."
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Runnerman
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Posted: Wed Mar 4th, 2009 03:41 pm |
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Helen’s Excuses
A police officer pulls Helen over because she had been weaving in and out of traffic. He goes up to Helen’s window and says "M’am, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
Helen says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that! "
Ahh, ya gotta love our wonderful Helen!
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Helen here
Member
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Posted: Mon Feb 16th, 2009 06:09 pm |
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heh heh heh
Slamming down a Sully
Last edited on Wed Feb 18th, 2009 08:08 pm by Helen here
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Runnerman
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Posted: Mon Feb 16th, 2009 03:02 pm |
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Helen at Flight School
Helen went to the flight school at Cheswold Air Park, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
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Helen here
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Posted: Wed Jan 14th, 2009 12:38 pm |
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| I'm feeling the love dear
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Runnerman
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Posted: Tue Jan 13th, 2009 03:12 pm |
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Helen and the Skipping Diet
One time Helen was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When Helen returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
Helen nodded. "I'll tell you though; I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping.
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Runnerman
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Posted: Fri Oct 24th, 2008 04:49 pm |
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Helen at the Pharmacy
Helen walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
Helen then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacists eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Helen then reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
Last edited on Fri Oct 24th, 2008 04:50 pm by Runnerman
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Helen here
Member
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Posted: Fri Oct 17th, 2008 05:31 pm |
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Runner
Now you have gone and done it .
You have exposed my true ambition , forcing me to testify before Congress , go on talk shows and write a book .
I might be forced to sit in a room with Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid and discuss the their inability to understand normal thinking .
With out chairs !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last edited on Fri Oct 17th, 2008 05:52 pm by Helen here
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Runnerman
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Posted: Fri Oct 17th, 2008 04:57 pm |
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Helen Applies at the CIA
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and Helen, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they only had the woman, Helen, left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." Helen took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood Helen. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a b**ch to death with the chair!"
Last edited on Fri Oct 17th, 2008 04:58 pm by Runnerman
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Runnerman
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Posted: Tue Oct 7th, 2008 12:26 am |
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Helen at the Pharmacy
Helen walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains her that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, Helen assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says Helen.
"Do you have the container it comes in?" "Yes!" she said. "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Very annoyed Helen snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
Last edited on Tue Oct 7th, 2008 12:28 am by Runnerman
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Helen here
Member
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Posted: Wed Oct 1st, 2008 07:15 pm |
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Runner are you trying to tell me that is not how you fix a flat ?
 Last edited on Wed Oct 1st, 2008 07:17 pm by Helen here
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Runnerman
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Posted: Fri Sep 26th, 2008 09:57 pm |
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Our Dear Helen is Always Prepared for an Emergency
The Great Runnerman was helping Helen clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside.
Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Helen what it was for.
She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."
Runnerman said, "I can see that, but why?"
Helen replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."
Now isn't she practical indeed?
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Helen here
Member
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Posted: Tue Sep 16th, 2008 06:06 pm |
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heh heh heh Runner
I would have to report the bartender, I'm a license server .
__________________________________________________________
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Runnerman
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Posted: Tue Sep 16th, 2008 04:03 pm |
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Helen as a Straight Shooter...
Helen goes into a bar and seats herself on a stool.
The bartender looks at her and says, "What'll it be lady?" The man
says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."
The bartender does this and watches Helen slug one down, then the
next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly
as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks Helen why she's doing all this
drinking. Helen says: "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "Wow, what do you have dear?"
Helen quickly replies:
"I only have a dollar."
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Runnerman
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Posted: Thu Sep 4th, 2008 06:26 pm |
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Helen in Elementary School
Way back when, Helen’s first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard!" called out Helen.
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Helen here
Member
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Posted: Sun Aug 10th, 2008 01:09 am |
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ewwwwwww!
For better or worse and in sickness and health
you are sick and that is one of the worse ones
I hope you get better so
 Last edited on Sun Aug 10th, 2008 01:16 am by Helen here
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Runnerman
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Posted: Sat Aug 9th, 2008 02:54 pm |
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Helen in the Hospital
Helen is in Bayhealth's Kent General Hospital in bed completely wrapped up in a body cast.
One of the nurses gave her a rectal thermometer and said, "Don't move -- I'll be right back."
When she returned the thermometer was in Helen’s mouth. She asked in amazement, "How did you get that in your mouth, you can't even move?"
Helen simply replied, "I hiccuped."
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Helen here
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Posted: Mon Aug 4th, 2008 08:07 pm |
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Runner
It's nice to know I'm your chosen one ! heh heh heh
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Runnerman
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Posted: Sun Aug 3rd, 2008 09:21 pm |
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Helen at the Patent Office
One day Helen goes along to the Patent Office with some of her new designs. She says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies Helen."
"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton", says Helen.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case,"Helen indignantly replied...
"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
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Helen here
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Posted: Wed Jul 30th, 2008 06:33 pm |
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heh heh heh
Coming back I see .
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Runnerman
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Posted: Wed Jul 30th, 2008 01:32 pm |
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Helen in the Corporate World
Helen once joined a big corporate empire as a trainee. On her very first day of work, she dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied trainee Helen.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
Helen shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" said Helen, and slams down the phone.
Sometimes our dear Helen is very sharp indeed.
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Helen here
Member
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Posted: Tue Jul 22nd, 2008 06:17 pm |
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Boo wrote: Playing the Game wrote: So where was the "fine" Dover Restaurant? 
Closed down after Helen was fired!!
Hey BOO I have never been fired , only terminated once. heh heh heh
Now Bear watch what you say , the lawyers are in the waters
Last edited on Tue Jul 22nd, 2008 06:25 pm by Helen here
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bigbear from the north
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Posted: Tue Jul 22nd, 2008 04:51 am |
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By the deathbed of a former Cheswold official, TBYM and Gordo sat loyally with their friend and idol, offering him comfort in his final hours. 'Have you any final wishes, our dear friend?' they asked. 'We will see to it that is carried out for you.'
'Well, I have always wanted to be buried at sea', the frail man replied. 'If you would bury me in the Delaware Bay, My soul shall forever rest in peace.' The two friends assured him that it would be their honor to do so for him, and with that, the man passed away.
The next morning at dawn, TBYM and Gordo shoved off in a power boat down the Leipsic River enroute to their comrade's final resting place in the bay. 'How far out do we need to go?' asked TBYM. 'I'd kind of like to be back before lunchtime.'
'Show some respect for the dead!' scoffed Gordo. 'We need to at least get clear of the muck, otherwise when the tide goes out our friend will become a breakfast buffet for the crabs and gulls. I say we head out to the middle of the bay'.
TBYM merely scratched his head. Apparently in this 'drawer of knives', Gordo was the sharper of the two. This fact would become increasingly clear as the morning wore on. Their friend was well known for his 'buoyancy', yet TBYM packed only a couple small cinder blocks to drag him under. Also, they needed to go out nearly to middle of the bay, yet TBYM forgot to top up the gas tank. Nonetheless, good luck was on their side and soon enough they made their way out to the deepest part of the Bay - with Gordo berating TYBM all the way.
'Oh lighten up Gordo, we've made it. We've fulfilled our friend's dying wish', said TBYM.'
'Says you numbskull', replied Gordo. 'Until I can figure out how to reach bottom with this shovel, we ain't gonna accomplish sh**!'
Last edited on Tue Jul 22nd, 2008 05:11 am by bigbear from the north
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Boo
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Posted: Sat Jul 19th, 2008 09:58 pm |
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Playing the Game wrote: So where was the "fine" Dover Restaurant?
Closed down after Helen was fired!!
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Playing the Game
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Posted: Sat Jul 19th, 2008 02:43 am |
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| So where was the "fine" Dover Restaurant?
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Helen here
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Posted: Thu Jul 17th, 2008 05:03 pm |
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I wish I could say your joke was well done , but this is one of those rare occasions.
heh heh heh
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Runnerman
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Posted: Thu Jul 17th, 2008 01:25 pm |
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Helen the Waitress
Helen once had a job at a fine Dover restaurant One day she brings a customer the steak he ordered with her big thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What?" answers Helen, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
Our dear Helen is always practical.
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Runnerman
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Posted: Thu Jul 10th, 2008 03:37 pm |
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Cheswold's Finest
A rookie Cheswold police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again...
"I SAID, let's get off that corner... NOW!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop!"
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bigbear from the north
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Posted: Wed Jul 9th, 2008 03:44 am |
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Tell it to the judge, witchy
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Helen here
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Posted: Tue Jul 8th, 2008 08:25 pm |
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Runner
I will add salt and pepper if you like ? Food is so bland unless you add some spice.
Pet you doggie
Oh that last ticket wasn't for speeding.
Last edited on Tue Jul 8th, 2008 08:27 pm by Helen here
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Runnerman
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Posted: Tue Jul 8th, 2008 07:34 pm |
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Helen Goes to Court
Helen was forced to take a day off from meaningless routines to appear for a minor traffic summons.
She grew increasingly restless as she waited hour after endless hour for her case to be heard.
When her name was called late in the afternoon, she stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and she would have to return the next day.
"WHAT FOR?!?!?" Helen snapped at the judge.
The Judge, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"
Then, noticing that Helen was checking her purse, the judge relented:
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
Helen replied..."I know - I'm just seeing if I have enough for 2 more words!"
Yes, our dear Helen can sure dish it out!
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Two Cents
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Posted: Tue Jun 24th, 2008 04:19 am |
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| Helen wouldn't do that. She would demand $300,000!!! That's how much the last cheswold ransome demander got.
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Helen here
Member
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Posted: Tue Jun 24th, 2008 01:59 am |
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d**n
I must have some pull
Ahhhhhhhhhh Nuts
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Runnerman
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Posted: Mon Jun 23rd, 2008 10:37 pm |
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Helen as Kidnapper
One day Helen was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I`ve kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Helen."
Helen then pinned the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning Helen checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. Helen opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Cheswoldian?"
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Runnerman
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Posted: Sat Jun 21st, 2008 01:51 am |
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painter wrote: mr mayo mus hav buget finis he din no cal me to hep. proly any has see it yet thou so he cen fool every som day wif it. thans be, to y ou.
This post and the former are both in Cheswoldian script. Similar scrawl has been found in long lost Cheswoldian caves. Does anyone who is bilingual in Cheswoldian and English have any translative comparisons to post?
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painter
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Posted: Fri Jun 20th, 2008 11:28 pm |
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| mr mayo mus hav buget finis he din no cal me to hep. proly any has see it yet thou so he cen fool every som day wif it. thans be, to y ou.
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painter
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Posted: Tue Jun 10th, 2008 07:30 pm |
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| if mr tanri waNS ME to hep i can do. if he hav are con work an cool. He don knoo how to do buget lik me , i can do on bak of envlop. in 30 mins. but tha tax wil hav to go up too pay ryan loan. mr tanri las buget was rong. soon as he did buget he byed 2 plise cars an a mower was not in buget. i don kno wha is his problm. Thans be, to y ou.
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bigbear from the north
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Posted: Mon Jun 9th, 2008 03:41 pm |
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Oh please painter make a plan
To which T must stick like glue
You'll hear throughout fair Cheswold land
Thans be, to y ou
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Two Cents
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Posted: Mon Jun 9th, 2008 03:30 pm |
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| Hey Painter --- if you are out there reading this, I think from what I hear that your friend the mayor Mr. Tinari needs some assistance developing the town budget and establishing a property tax rate for next year. Maybe you could stop in at the town hall and help him? I am certain that it would be appreciated.
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Helen here
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Posted: Mon Jun 2nd, 2008 07:02 pm |
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Runner
I hear the CIA is looking for you !
Last edited on Mon Jun 2nd, 2008 07:03 pm by Helen here
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Helen here
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Posted: Mon Jun 2nd, 2008 07:02 pm |
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Last edited on Tue Jun 10th, 2008 08:28 pm by Helen here
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Helen here
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Posted: Mon Jun 2nd, 2008 07:01 pm |
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heh heh heh
I got Id you still care
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Runnerman
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Posted: Thu May 29th, 2008 02:21 pm |
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Helen and Pick-up Trucks
One day Helen came running into the WaWa store and said to a Cheswoldian acquaintence, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" Helen quickly answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.
A Delaware State trooper pulled Helen over while she was driving a pickup on Route 13. The trooper asked Helen, "Hey, Lady. Got any ID?" Helen just smiled and replied, "Bout whut?"
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