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OkeeNarnie
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Posted: Thu Aug 28th, 2008 08:19 pm |
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designdiva
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Posted: Thu Aug 28th, 2008 05:32 pm |
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My friend Bobby Joe just sent me this news flash:
All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday. A reliable source (Bobby Joe) said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as Hell ain't doin' it to Alabama.
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Thu Aug 28th, 2008 02:06 pm |
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.
Attachment: Worship.bmp (Downloaded 17 times) Last edited on Thu Aug 28th, 2008 02:26 pm by Bilgerat
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designdiva
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Posted: Wed Aug 27th, 2008 02:18 pm |
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Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee
machine , inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair
smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes
her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to
file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks:
'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice?'
The woman replies, 'It's Keith. The midget!!!' 
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OkeeNarnie
Member
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Posted: Tue Aug 26th, 2008 11:05 am |
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SOUTHERN TERRORIST ADVISORYThe governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia, and Mississippi announced today that they have made a disturbing discovery in their states.
Apparently, a small number of Al Qaeda terrorists have become romantically involved with local redneck girls. The result is not pretty. They now have the sad task of reporting the creation of a new sector of the human race:
Islamabubbas
So far, only a smattering of actual births have been reported, but Pat Robertson's Christian Coalition is hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off. To date, the Coalition has identified the following children:
Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Boudit
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Amgood Atat
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
Linda Sue Bin There Dundat
Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes they all seem to have sprung from one couple: Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin.
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designdiva
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Posted: Mon Aug 25th, 2008 04:21 pm |
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I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure
> that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening
> I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented
> "You ' re definitely going to shit yourself" chili. Tasty stuff,
> albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written
> guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your
> F-ing cheeks WILL fall off.
>
> Here ' s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two
> cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.
> No "Watson ' s Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their
> way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create
> the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as
> thunder and lightning.
>
> Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just
> when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery
> store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering
> the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began
> pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn ' t until I
> was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the
> pain hit me.
>
> Oh, don ' t look at me like you don ' t know what I ' m talking about. I ' m
> referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us
> at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The
> habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
> In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
> intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before
> I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would
> bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
>
> There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly
> enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before
> been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile
> odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to
> leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle
> and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
>
> I don ' t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
> reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to
> dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been
> torn in two different directions emotionally? Here ' s what I mean,
> and I ' m sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could ' ve
> warned that poor woman but didn ' t. I simply watched as she walked
> into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
> terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and
> running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her
> head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made
> me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
>
> Here ' s the thing. When you laugh, it ' s hard to keep things "clamped
> down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive
> issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and
> echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had
> ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a
> shotgun.
>
> Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off
> through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the
> whole way, praying that I ' d make it before the grand mal assplosion
> took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to
> the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the
> toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor
> fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true
> meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly
> said, "Son-of-a-bitch!", then quickly left.
>
> Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
> cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
> approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a
> few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the
> store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a
> minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."
>
> That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
> me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to
> cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted,
> "IT ' S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager.
> I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too
> kindly not to return.
>
> Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing
> to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next
> day I went to shop at Albertson ' s. I can ' t say anymore about that
> because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim
> they ' re going to have to repaint the store.
=
[font=""]
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designdiva
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Posted: Sun Aug 24th, 2008 05:17 pm |
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 Top Four Adult Jokes
Fourth Place]
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
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Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
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Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh.she got fired too."
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Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Thu Aug 21st, 2008 07:43 pm |
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THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
The flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.'
'Tray-up, Bitch'
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Wed Aug 20th, 2008 03:17 pm |
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A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already crapped my pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!...
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OkeeNarnie
Member
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Posted: Wed Aug 20th, 2008 12:23 pm |
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You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house - mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home im provement project, you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.Depending on your age, you might do the following:
In your 20's: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30s: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40s: Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in th e &n bsp;mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50s: Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'
In your 60s: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dogshit off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70s: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
In your 80s: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Wed Aug 20th, 2008 12:39 am |
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Help me in boycotting Anheuser-Busch since they sold out to a foreign country and are tearing apart the American dream.
Drop your beer off at my house & I will dispose of it.
We'll teach those rotten S.O.B.'s 
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designdiva
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Posted: Mon Aug 18th, 2008 06:13 pm |
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Old Navy salts will get a bang out of this one…….
RETIREMENT BONUS
If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a
bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two
points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His
head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a
bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured
from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with
$96,000.
The third one was a noncommissioned officer , a grizzly old Chief who, when
asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie
to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the
measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He
did.. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are
your testicles?'
The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam .  Diva
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designdiva
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Posted: Mon Aug 18th, 2008 06:12 pm |
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Women's Love Poem
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Men's Love Poem
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
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okeetaxpayer
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Posted: Mon Aug 18th, 2008 05:49 pm |
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The Presidential election was too close to call.
Neither the Republican
candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough
votes to win. There was
much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges,
etc., but a week-long
ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to
settle things. The
candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week
would win the
election.
Therefore, it was decided that there
should be an ice fishing contest
between the two candidates to determine the
winner.
After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided
that the contest
take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota
.
There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be
sent out
separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their
catch for
counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the en d
of the
first day, John Mc. returned t o the starting line and he had ten
fish.
Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone
assumed he was just
having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully,
he would catch up
the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day John
Mc. came in with 20 fish and Obama came in
again with
none.
That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama
and said, 'Obama,
I think John Mc. is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I
want you to go out
tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on
him and see just
how he is cheating.'
The next night (after
John Mc. returns with 50 fish), Harry said to Obama,
'Well, tell me, how is
John Mc. cheating?'
Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to
believe this, but he's cutting
holes in the ice.'
Experience counts.
Last edited on Mon Aug 18th, 2008 07:37 pm by okeetaxpayer
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Mon Aug 18th, 2008 01:27 am |
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Four Religious Absolutes
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people...
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah...
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian World...
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters... 
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jgdt7477
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Posted: Sun Aug 17th, 2008 03:38 am |
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A blonde was standing out in front of a store and
in front of a soda machine she already has a stack
of about three cases of sodas but she keeps putting
in two quarters at a time... I looked at my wife and
said to her I should go try to explain that it would be much
more cost efficiant for her to go in and buy by the cases.
As I approached the blonde I over another man ask her
what she was doing when he did I fell out when I saw her
take here right hand and kinda slap herself on the side of
the head and while rolling her eyes and then she said,
.
.
.
.
. Duhhhhhhh WINNING
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designdiva
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Posted: Sat Aug 16th, 2008 01:56 am |
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When O.J. dies.
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after
time. 'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'
The devil smiled and said . . . . . (This is priceless)
'OK, Monica, you're free to go.'
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T-BONE
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Posted: Fri Aug 15th, 2008 12:43 pm |
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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago...
Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his
window..The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold Up?'
'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'
'About a gallon.'
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OkeeNarnie
Member
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Posted: Thu Aug 14th, 2008 07:59 pm |
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After God created Adam and Eve he left them to become acquainted with each other.
Several days later he returned and watched as they played and frolicked in the Garden Of Eden. He received great joy watching his children. When they spotted God they ran to him.
Adam noticed God held a package and inquired what is was. God looked at them and said he had gifts for them. Adam got very excited and began jumping up and down asking. What are they God, asked Adam.
Well, God began, there are two gifts. They are different and you may each have one. Again Adam got excited as he began chanting…Me first. Me first. God smiled and said calm down Adam.
God reached in the package and withdrew the first gift. What is it asked Eve. God said it’s the ability to pee standing up. Adam began jumping around again, screaming Pick Me Pick Me, I want to pee standing up.
God smiled and looked to Eve who also showed pleasure as she watched Adam. She looked to God and said, Please let Adam have it. He is so excited. God gave the gift to Adam and right away he started to pee on everything in sight. He pee’d on the bush. He pee’d on the rock. He pee’d on the flowers. He pee’d on the tree. Both god and Eve enjoyed watching Adam as he tried out the new gift and they laughed together at his antics.
God asked Eve is she were ready for her gift. She smiled and replied that yes, she was ready. What is it asked Eve?
God smiled as he gave her the gift and replied, my child it is brains.
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designdiva
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Posted: Thu Aug 14th, 2008 06:48 pm |
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This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan , Taliban
Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America 's supply of convenience store managers and possible candidates for President of the United States . And if this action does not
yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps., and then Motel 6 managers.
It's getting ugly folks.
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designdiva
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Posted: Thu Aug 14th, 2008 02:54 am |
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[size=Dear Son,]
[size=I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within 20 miles of home so we moved. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, I pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. It only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send you. Your Aunt Sue said it would be a little to heavy to send in the mail with them big heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment, up she comes. Your uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off playfully so he drowned. We cremated him, he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup one was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. Write more later.]
[size=Love,
Mom]
[size=P.S. I was going to send you some money but already had this sealed.]
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Mon Aug 11th, 2008 02:16 am |
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A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their Rabbi for counseling.
The Rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world.
"Absolutely not," says the Rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Rabbi. "It's forbidden."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah, a good thing within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man
"No problem," says the Rabbi "It's a mitzvah!"
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the Rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Another mitzvah!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the Rabbi, "This you can not do!"
"Why not?" asks the man.
To which the Rabbi replies "It could lead to dancing!"
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OkeeNarnie
Member
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Posted: Mon Aug 11th, 2008 01:01 am |
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HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
ONE DAY GOD WENT TO THE ARABS AND SAID, 'I HAVE SOME COMMANDMENTS FOR YOU
THAT WILL MAKE YOUR LIVES BETTER.'
THE ARABS ASKED, 'WHAT ARE COMMANDMENTS?' AND THE LORD SAID, 'THEY ARE RULES FOR LIVING.'
'CAN YOU GIVE US AN EXAMPLE?' 'THOU SHALL NOT KILL.'
'NOT KILL? WE'RE NOT INTERESTED.'
SO HE WENT TO THE BLACKS AND SAID, 'I HAVE SOME COMMANDMENTS.'
THE BLACKS WANTED AN EXAMPLE, AND THE LORD SAID, 'HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER.'
'FATHER? WE DON'T KNOW WHO OUR FATHERS ARE. WE'RE NOT INTERESTED.'
THEN HE WENT TO THE MEXICANS AND SAID, 'I HAVE SOME COMMANDMENTS.'
THE MEXICANS ALSO WANTED AN EXAMPLE, AND THE LORD SAID 'THOU SHALL NOT STEAL.' 'NOT STEAL? WE'RE NOT INTERESTED.'
THEN HE WENT TO THE FRENCH AND SAID, 'I HAVE SOME COMMANDMENTS.'
THE FRENCH TOO WANTED AN EXAMPLE AND THE LORD SAID, 'THOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.' 'NOT COMMIT ADULTERY? WE'RE NOT INTERESTED.'
FINALLY, HE WENT TO THE JEWS AND SAID, 'I HAVE SOME COMMANDMENTS.'
'COMMANDMENTS?' THEY SAID, 'HOW MUCH ARE THEY?'
'THEY'RE FREE.' 'WE'LL TAKE 10.'
THERE, THAT SHOULD OFFEND JUST ABOUT EVERYBODY.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Fri Aug 8th, 2008 06:59 pm |
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MORNING SEX
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,
'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all;
right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,
'Thanks,'
and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,
'What was that all about?'
She explained,
'The egg timer's broken.'
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Fri Aug 8th, 2008 12:22 pm |
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For those of you who missed this in World History 101, here is a condensed version.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters and gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.
These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BB-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, firemen, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, golfers, and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Fri Aug 8th, 2008 12:10 pm |
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Brokeback Woman
> A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was
> determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she
Placed
> an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
>
> Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
>
> She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided
> to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
> than the drunk.
>
> He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot
> about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing
> very well.
>
> Then one day, the rancher's widow said 'You have done a really good job, and
> the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'
>
> The hired hand readily agreed and went into t own on Saturday night.
>
> He returned around 2:30 am , and upon entering the room, he found the
> rancher's w idow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for
Him.
>
> She quietly called him over to her.
>
> 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
>
> Trembling, he did as she directed.
>
> 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
>
> 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by
Her
> boots.
>
> 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her
Eyes
> in the fire light.
>
> 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, did as he was told and
> dropped it to the floor.
>
> Then she looked at him and said: 'If you ever wear my clothes into town
Again,
>
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thinkred77
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Posted: Thu Aug 7th, 2008 09:34 pm |
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These classifieds were really put in the paper - a smile for your day...
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .. Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one:
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
HAVE A GREAT DAY!!
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designdiva
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Posted: Thu Aug 7th, 2008 07:44 pm |
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A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge; she noticed a young man fixing to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window; and said: ' Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father.'
He replied: ' Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump.'
She said: ' Well, think of your wife and children.'
He replied: ' I'm not married and I don't have any kids.'
She said: ' Well, think of Robert E. Lee. '
He replied: '' Who's Robert E. Lee ? ''
She replied: '' Well bless your heart; just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee ! '
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Thu Aug 7th, 2008 07:20 pm |
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As I settled in for my trip to Boston on my favorite airline, I glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. I soon realized she was heading straight towards my seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside mine. Eager to strike up a conversation I blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of AmericaConvention in Boston" I swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen sitting next to me, and she was going to a meeting of.... nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain my composure, I calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention? "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" I said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, she became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," I said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.
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OkeeNarnie
Member
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Posted: Wed Aug 6th, 2008 07:06 pm |
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Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont , Texas , who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth . One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas . I have two brothers: one is currently serving a life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview . She is a part time 'working girl'.
All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama for President?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
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OkeeNarnie
Member
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Posted: Wed Aug 6th, 2008 12:42 am |
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From Buck's Social P's & Q's
Tips For Planning A Southern Wedding
The Announcement:
It is the responsibility of the bride's family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the bride's parents, it is not necessary to specify where in the house you will reside).
Invitations:
Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you must send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like "You are invited to watch John Smith and Jennifer Johnson make it legal on March 14, 2000." will suffice nicely. If you don't want to be so formal, you can always run down to the local bar and yell "If you aint doing nothin' on the 14th of March, why don't you stop by my house for a cold one about 2 o'clock. Me and Jennifer's having some friends over to watch the ball game and witness our weddin'."
Proper attire:
For the bride, the key words are "be conservative." No matter how good it may look, refrain from wedding outfits made with spandex or adorned with fringe. Excessive slits and dips also are frowned upon. This is not the occasion to show the world how big "they" are.
For the groom, a rented tuxedo is haute courture, but if it means the difference between going on a honeymoon and staying home, concider some alternatives. For example, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean work shirt can create a natty appearence. And though possibly uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
The ceremony:
No matter how urgent the event, loaded weapons have no place at the alter. At the point in the ceremony that says, "If anybody has any reason why these two should no be joined in holy matrimony..." tell the preacher not to pause too long, old flames sometimes die hard and talk too much.
Reception:
Remember to reserve the hall f | | |