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Bilgerat
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Posted: Sat Aug 2nd, 2008 05:18 pm |
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Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.'
Earl spits, sips his beer and says, 'Better think it over...women like that are hard to find.'
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flsr
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Posted: Sat Aug 2nd, 2008 11:49 am |
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A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.
The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.
So Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. However, knowing that mushrooms are so expensive, she told her husband, 'No mushrooms -- they cost too much.'
He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick
some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.'
She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.'
He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.'
So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch -- washed,
sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success and Janet even hired a lady from town to help her serve it. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished eating, they relaxed, socialized, and started singing playing some music.
About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear.
She said, 'Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died.'
Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. I'll give everyone enemas and I will pump out every ones stomach. Everything will be fine.
'Just keep them calm..'
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases,syringes and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'Done, everything will be fine now, and he left.'
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time, the helper lady came in and said,
'You know, I've been thinking...that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped.'
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Sat Aug 2nd, 2008 11:37 am |
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A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious
to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
' Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 48 years.
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designdiva
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Posted: Sat Aug 2nd, 2008 01:10 am |
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okeelori wrote: Diva, After the day I had you made me laugh out loud. Thank you very much
You are very welcome...My job in life is to make people laugh and not to sweat the small stuff.......   
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okeelori
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Posted: Sat Aug 2nd, 2008 12:37 am |
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| Diva, After the day I had you made me laugh out loud. Thank you very much
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designdiva
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Posted: Fri Aug 1st, 2008 11:46 pm |
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Ghost Sex
A professor at the University of Arkansas was giving a lecture on the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: 'How many
people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in
ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has
anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have
any
of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years
I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love
to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your
experience.'
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin and began to
make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor
asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a
ghost?'
Bubba replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back thar I thought you
said.........'Goats
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Fri Aug 1st, 2008 11:40 pm |
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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different.'
'You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Fri Aug 1st, 2008 02:42 am |
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designdiva wrote:
THE VIBRATOR.......
AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED:
WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?'
THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: 'MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND
THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND! PLEASE, GO
AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'
THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE
OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID:
'DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS
I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'
A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.
SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH,
DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.
THE WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?'
THE HUSBAND REPLIED: 'I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.'
Diva that is the funniest thing I've heard lately.....Thanks for the laugh,
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designdiva
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Posted: Fri Aug 1st, 2008 12:17 am |
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THE VIBRATOR.......
AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED:
WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?'
THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: 'MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND
THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND! PLEASE, GO
AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'
THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE
OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID:
'DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS
I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'
A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.
SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH,
DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.
THE WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?'
THE HUSBAND REPLIED: 'I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.'
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crackerjack
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Posted: Thu Jul 31st, 2008 12:24 am |
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how many viking home owners does it take to change a light bulb???????????
0 theyll sit around and complain about the light being out until the county fix's it
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Wed Jul 30th, 2008 05:15 pm |
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Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic.
And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist but now you are a Catholic.'
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
'You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.'
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OkeeArt
Member
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Posted: Tue Jul 29th, 2008 01:38 pm |
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Puzzled
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." he said with a deep sigh, "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
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OkeeArt
Member
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Posted: Mon Jul 28th, 2008 01:15 pm |
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Lawyer Charity
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way ?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Sun Jul 27th, 2008 10:32 pm |
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OkeeNarnie
Member
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Posted: Sun Jul 27th, 2008 12:18 pm |
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One for the girls
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.
Five tips for a woman.....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is vey important that these four men don't know each other.
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OkeeArt
Member
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Posted: Fri Jul 25th, 2008 04:10 pm |
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Counting Sheep
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high- resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd.
He watches the young man selects one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business."
"...Now give me back my dog
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OkeeNarnie
Member
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Posted: Fri Jul 25th, 2008 07:48 am |
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A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!' At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says…
v
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'Grandpa;... Go home! You're drunk.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Wed Jul 23rd, 2008 02:06 pm |
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Last edited on Fri Jul 25th, 2008 01:33 pm by Firefly1958
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Tue Jul 22nd, 2008 02:01 am |
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CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks Into a pharmacy And wanders Up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him And asks him If she can help him. He answers that he is looking for A box of tampons For his wife and She directs him down The correct Aisle.
A few minutes later, He deposits A huge bag Of cotton Balls and A ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, ' Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, ' You See, it's Like this, Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store To get me a carton Of cigarettes, and She came back With a tin of tobacco And some rolling Papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo Much cheaper.
So, I figure If I have To roll my own .......... So does she.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Mon Jul 21st, 2008 06:06 pm |
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Elderly Excitement I couldnt help it ,had to post it
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.
The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic.. However, she finally got it in place.
She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
'Gladys!' he exclaimed. 'For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in .... You look like an asshole.'
[code][/code]Last edited on Mon Jul 21st, 2008 06:07 pm by Firefly1958
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designdiva
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Posted: Mon Jul 21st, 2008 03:05 pm |
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Cajun Math Test
A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Cajun says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Fri Jul 18th, 2008 02:49 pm |
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"Diary For Two"
HER DIARY:
Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had
made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was
shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was
upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment on it. Conversation was not flowing, so I
suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he did not say much. I asked him what
was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my
fault that he was upset. He said he was not upset, that it
had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On
the way home, told him that I loved him. He smiled
slightly, and kept driving. I cannot explain his behavior. I
do not know why he did not say, "I love you, too." When
we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if
he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat
there quietly, and watched TV He continued to seem
distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I
decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came
to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and
we made love. However, I still felt that he was distracted,
and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -
I cried. I do not know what to do. I am almost sure that
his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
Missed a big deer today, but at least I got l-aid.
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flsr
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Posted: Wed Jul 16th, 2008 05:41 pm |
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I
was thinking
about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that
everyone has
clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm
wearing my
garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I
have what
they call blue teeth, I think.Â
You know, I spent a
fortune on
deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me
anyway.Â
I was
thinking that women
should put pictures of missing husbands on beer
cans!
Â
I
was
thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still
have
something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'Â
I thought about making
a
fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.Â
I've gotten that
dreaded
furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your
drawers!Â
When
people see a cat's litter
box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a
cat?'Â Just once I want to say,
'No, it's for company!'Â
Employment application
blanks
always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I
think you
should write, 'A Good Doctor'!Â
Why do they put
pictures of
criminal
s up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to
do...write to these
people?
Â
Â
Why
don't
they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could
look
for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them
while
they are taking their pictures!Â
I was thinking about
how people
seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then,
it dawned on
me, they were cramming for their finals.Â
As for me, I'm just
hoping God
grades on the curve.
Enjoy
Your Days & Love Your Life Because...Â
' Life is a journey to
be
savored.'
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OkeeNarnie
Member
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Posted: Wed Jul 16th, 2008 01:28 pm |
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There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights
and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and
admired his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over with one
exception, his manhood. He went to the beach, completely undressed, and
buried himself in the sand except for his manhood which he left sticking
out. Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach. One was using
a cane and upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, began to move
it around with her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she
said "There really is no justice in the world!!!"
The other little old lady said, "What do you mean by that?" The first
little old lady said, "Look at that........
When I was 20.......... ..... I was curious about it.
When I was 30.......... ..... I enjoyed it.
When I was 40.......... ..... I asked for it.
When I was 50.......... ..... I paid for it.
When I was 60..... ..... ..... I prayed for it.
When I was 70.......... ..... I forgot about it.
And now that I am 80, the damned things are growing wild and I am to old
to squat!"
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designdiva
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Posted: Wed Jul 16th, 2008 01:11 pm |
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A blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a POLITICIAN
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OkeeNarnie
Member
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Posted: Tue Jul 15th, 2008 04:51 pm |
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IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR SENIORS
Well Crap, Now I don't remember what I was fixin to tell ya'll. I'll have to get back to ya.
Last edited on Tue Jul 15th, 2008 04:52 pm by OkeeNarnie
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OkeeNarnie
Member
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Posted: Tue Jul 15th, 2008 04:45 pm |
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ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE
It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love
it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
directly toward her. (As men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned
over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely
anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...on one
condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man
replied,
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowlyremoved a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's
hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly
and meaningfully said:
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"Paint my house."
Priceless!!
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OkeeNarnie
Member
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Posted: Tue Jul 15th, 2008 04:26 pm |
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Old Butch
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called," pullets, and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible.
Last edited on Tue Jul 15th, 2008 04:27 pm by OkeeNarnie
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OkeeNarnie
Member
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Posted: Tue Jul 15th, 2008 04:19 pm |
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Baptist Shampoo
While shopping in a grocery store, two Baptist church ladies happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second good Baptist sister answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first sister replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look, so the good Baptist sister said, "This is for washing our hair."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. "The curlers are on me."
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Tue Jul 15th, 2008 02:22 pm |
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Bilgerat wrote: A bar is located across the street from a school for the hearing impaired and every evening after classes, members of the faculty come into the bar and have a drink. They use sign language to talk and sometimes their conversations become quite intense.
One afternoon a group of the teachers are sitting at a table and are being overly rambunctious in their sign language, their hands are held high and they are swaying back and forth.
The bartender becomes quite agitated and says to one of his customers sitting at the bar, "Now they'll never go home." "What do you mean?" asks the customer.
"You can't get them the hell out of here once they start singing!"
That was funny Bilgerat
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Tue Jul 15th, 2008 01:43 pm |
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A bar is located across the street from a school for the hearing impaired and every evening after classes, members of the faculty come into the bar and have a drink. They use sign language to talk and sometimes their conversations become quite intense.
One afternoon a group of the teachers are sitting at a table and are being overly rambunctious in their sign language, their hands are held high and they are swaying back and forth.
The bartender becomes quite agitated and says to one of his customers sitting at the bar, "Now they'll never go home." "What do you mean?" asks the customer.
"You can't get them the hell out of here once they start singing!"
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OkeeNarnie
Member
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Posted: Mon Jul 14th, 2008 04:39 pm |
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| Good one about Bubba, and I stopped after 3 colors...lol My wrist got tired. LOL
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designdiva
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Posted: Mon Jul 14th, 2008 04:34 pm |
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]http://mazzanet.id.au/ball.php
Set a timer and see how many colors you can get...Enjoy...........Diva
Last edited on Mon Jul 14th, 2008 04:40 pm by designdiva
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designdiva
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Posted: Mon Jul 14th, 2008 04:28 pm |
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[size=After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
]
[size=Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'
]
[size=One week later, ' The Express News,' a local newspaper in Tennessee reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 yards in fields near Nashville, Bubba Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore
concluded that 300 years ago, Tennessee had already gone wireless. ]
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Mon Jul 14th, 2008 02:08 pm |
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Barack's Cabinet
Confident of a victory in November, Obama has announced his cabinet selections. Thought you might like to see who some of them are.
Attachment: Obama Cabinet.jpg (Downloaded 185 times)
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ChobeeGirl30
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Posted: Sun Jul 13th, 2008 09:42 pm |
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Hard of Hearing
A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."
The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."
The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"
Last edited on Sun Jul 13th, 2008 09:49 pm by ChobeeGirl30
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ChobeeGirl30
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Posted: Sun Jul 13th, 2008 09:40 pm |
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Three politicians are flying in a plane. The first one looks at the second, buffs his carefully manicured fingernails against his Brooks Brothers suit, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
The second shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make ten people very happy".
The third tosses her perfectly coiffed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Sat Jul 12th, 2008 04:02 pm |
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A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.
Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again.
Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.' The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?' Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.' The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.
Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.'
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan.'
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Sat Jul 12th, 2008 03:37 am |
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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, 'I have a Praise.' Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.' All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I just want to tell my wife one more time, the word is sternum.'
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Fri Jul 11th, 2008 11:39 pm |
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A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights
go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and
he smiles.
'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do
you suppose that is?'
The st ranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Tue Jul 8th, 2008 06:45 pm |
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Grandma's letter.
She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ' For the love of God! ' ' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to l eave them after all the love we | | |