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Firefly1958
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Posted: Thu Jun 26th, 2008 03:27 am |
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PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard , 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Thu Jun 26th, 2008 03:18 am |
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Please ,don't be offended ......just laugh
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FBYSC
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Posted: Thu Jun 26th, 2008 03:16 am |
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Firefly1958 wrote:
Child Support Check
Today be my baby girl 18th birthday.
I be so glad that dis be my last child support payment!
Month after month, year after year, all dose payments!
So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house,
and when she get here, I say, 'Baby girl,
I want you to take dis check over to yo momma house
and tell her dis be the last check she ever be gettin' from me,
and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama face.'
So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma.
I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face.
Baby girl walk through the door, I say,
'Now ! what yo momma say 'bout that?'
She say to tell you that 'you ain't my daddy' .
and watch the 'spression on yo face'!!!
I must admit I was almost offended by this joke, but I bust a gut when I got to the end. Good one.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Thu Jun 26th, 2008 03:08 am |
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Child Support Check
Today be my baby girl 18th birthday.
I be so glad that dis be my last child support payment!
Month after month, year after year, all dose payments!
So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house,
and when she get here, I say, 'Baby girl,
I want you to take dis check over to yo momma house
and tell her dis be the last check she ever be gettin' from me,
and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama face.'
So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma.
I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face.
Baby girl walk through the door, I say,
'Now ! what yo momma say 'bout that?'
She say to tell you that 'you ain't my daddy' .
and watch the 'spression on yo face'!!!
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okeetaxpayer
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Posted: Tue Jun 24th, 2008 12:48 pm |
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ST Peter was escorting the newest bunch of arrivals around heaven, giving them the full tour. He showed them the place to be fitted for wings, where to pick up their harps, and the cafeteria where everyone ate their meals.
As they were touring the big auditorium where the hymns were sung he asked everyone to be quiet as they passed one door. Absolute silence, not a peep out of anyone, silence is essential. Everyone passed the door in silence.
A short way down a man asked "why the silence at that door?"
St Peter replyed "Thats where the southern Baptists are at, they think they are the only ones here."
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designdiva
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Posted: Wed Jun 18th, 2008 12:10 pm |
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Menopause Jewelry
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big ugly red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass.
| [font="Courier New"][color=black][size=2] [/size][/color][/font][color=#003366][/color] |
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flsr
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Posted: Tue Jun 17th, 2008 12:20 pm |
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New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing a$$-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about s-x a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some a$$hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the heck. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-beach.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. In the 'New army' now, 'Get down and give me .. er .. One.'
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. Also, we won't get in trouble for mistreating prisoners.
We won't take any.
If nothing else, put us on border patrol.....we will have it secured the first night!
Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so you can read it!!!!
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Mon Jun 16th, 2008 01:10 pm |
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Last edited on Tue Jul 8th, 2008 05:25 pm by Firefly1958
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Fri Jun 13th, 2008 04:33 pm |
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Subject: COUNTRY FUNERAL STORY
As a young minister in Kentucky, I was asked by a funeral director
to
hold a
grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or
friends.
The
funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country,
and
this
man would be the first to be buried there.
I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became
lost.
Being a
typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally
arrived
an
hour late.
I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere
in
sight.
The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for
my
tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I
saw
the
vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold
them
up
for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I
began
to
pour
out my heart and soul. As I preached about "looking forward to a
brighter
tomorrow" and "the glory that is to come," the workers began to
say
"Amen,"
"Praise the Lord," and "Glory!" The fervor of these men truly
inspired
me.
So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before,
all
the
way
from Genesis to Revelations.
I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the
men,
and
walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my
coat, I
heard one of the workers say to another, "I ain't NEVER seen
nothin'
like that
before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Thu Jun 12th, 2008 11:03 pm |
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WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?????
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.
'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm
a little upset
because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'
'Nonsense ,' the doctor said'.
'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors
may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.'????? ?'This
can't be, our families
on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you
have sex???
'
The man seemed a bit ashamed . 'I've been working very hard for the
past
year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.
'It's rust.' |
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Wed Jun 11th, 2008 10:25 pm |
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When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy ... it's pretty damn smart.
Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
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teachnfool
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Posted: Wed Jun 11th, 2008 11:58 am |
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High School Inspiration
Every year, English teachers from across the country submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.
Here are last year's winners.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm. at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
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teachnfool
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Posted: Wed Jun 11th, 2008 11:57 am |
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High School Inspiration
Every year, English teachers from across the country submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.
Here are last year's winners.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm. at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Tue Jun 10th, 2008 02:11 pm |
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Garfield on the oil crisis
A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington , DC!!!
Any Questions???
NO? Didn't think So.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Mon Jun 9th, 2008 11:14 pm |
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[size=
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?]'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
[size=
]
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Sun Jun 8th, 2008 02:32 pm |
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A new supermarket opened near my house up north, it has an automatic water mister to keep produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and breathe in the aroma of chocolate milk.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the sound of a gentle breeze and the smell of fresh buttered corn.
Just a word of warning, if you're ever in that store, don't buy toilet paper there.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Fri Jun 6th, 2008 01:08 pm |
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Bilgerat wrote: CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed, The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of bourbon, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
And you was able to leave your house ,WOWLast edited on Fri Jun 6th, 2008 01:08 pm by Firefly1958
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Fri Jun 6th, 2008 01:03 pm |
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CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed, The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of bourbon, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Fri Jun 6th, 2008 01:14 am |
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Women Are Evil By Nature...
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured
alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She
seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As
he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both
hands.
'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running
her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there
anything I
can do?'
'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of
her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, handsoap,
or
paper towels in the ladies room.' |
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Fri Jun 6th, 2008 01:11 am |
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A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE
Master of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need
to know that I am the master of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare
me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my
meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go
upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you
are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash
my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet
and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my
hair?'
The wife replied, 'The funeral director would be my first guess.' |
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Wed Jun 4th, 2008 11:03 pm |
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Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rabidly promoted by unscrupuluous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Wed Jun 4th, 2008 11:00 pm |
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pops wrote: A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico.
Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.
POPS that is a good one
Last edited on Wed Jun 4th, 2008 11:01 pm by Firefly1958
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pops
Member
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Posted: Wed Jun 4th, 2008 02:35 pm |
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A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico.
Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Wed Jun 4th, 2008 02:07 pm |
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HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS
Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Grandma
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Tue Jun 3rd, 2008 01:39 am |
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Southern Skinny Dippin'...
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly
shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When
he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end
to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the
bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast. |
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Mon Jun 2nd, 2008 03:18 pm |
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Top 10 reasons a gun is favored over a woman....
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when
you're on the road.
# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably
let you try it out a few times.
# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
# 3. A gun doesn't ask , 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'
# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
=============================================
A Gun in the House
The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in
defense. The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more
important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is
supplemental.
As John Steinbeck once said:
1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight,
he'll just kill you.
2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
3. I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.
4. When seconds count, the cops are just m inutes away.
5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The
reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked
him "Why do you carry a 45?" The Ranger responded, "Because they don't
make a 46."
6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous
regularity.
7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady
commented on his wearing his sidearm. "Sheriff, I see you have your
pistol. Are you expecting trouble?" "No Ma'am. If I were expecting
trouble, I would have brought my rifle."
8. Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO
USE IT!!!
But wait, there's more!
&nb sp; I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I
said I did. She said "Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!" To which I
said, of course it is loaded, can't work without bullets!" She then
asked, "Are you that afraid of some one evil coming into your house?" My
reply was, "No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire
either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded
too." To which I'll add, having a gun in the house that isn't loaded is
like having a car in the garage without gas in the tank.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Sun Jun 1st, 2008 03:18 am |
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Last edited on Tue Jul 8th, 2008 06:44 pm by Firefly1958
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Sun Jun 1st, 2008 03:14 am |
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._,_.___
Last edited on Tue Jul 8th, 2008 06:43 pm by Firefly1958
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Sun Jun 1st, 2008 03:11 am |
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A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted
by a well-dressed young man carrying a
vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man.
'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I
would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got
any money!' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide
open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said.
'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And
with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto
her hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not
remove all traces of this horse manure from your
carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the
remainder.'
The old lady stepped back and said,
'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my
electricity this morning.'
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Sun Jun 1st, 2008 02:58 am |
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Last edited on Sun Jun 1st, 2008 03:20 am by Firefly1958
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Fl Crkr
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Posted: Sun May 25th, 2008 09:27 pm |
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The Aisle Seat
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat...
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don 't get up,' said the Marine. 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
'Why does it have to be this way?' he asked . 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?'
THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Sat May 24th, 2008 03:56 pm |
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Government Jobs
> >
> > A man applies for a job at the Post Office. The
> > interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to
> > anything?' He says 'Yes,
> > caffeine.'
> >
> > 'Have you ever been in the service?'
> > 'Yes,' he says. 'I
> > was in Iraq for two years.'
> >
> > The interviewer says, 'That will give you five extra
> > points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are
> > you disabled in any way?'
> >
> >
> > The guy says, 'Yes 100%..an IED exploded near me and
> > blew my testicles off.'
> >
> > The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I
> > can
> > hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You
> > can start
> > tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every
> > day.'
> >
> > The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from
> > 8 AM
> > to 4 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10
> > AM?'
> >
> > 'This is a government job,' the interviewer
> > says. 'For
> > the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee
> > and scratching
> > our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
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pops
Member
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Posted: Tue May 20th, 2008 12:07 pm |
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It's tough to be a Man
Do you know how tough it is being a man...? If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're pervert. If you don't, you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a head ache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it Too often, you're oversexed. if you don't, there must be someone else.
NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! ........ THEY WANT TO!!
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Tue May 20th, 2008 02:13 am |
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Doulos wrote: It's really a sign of the times and of PC. We can't tell a joke about a Pollock, a Jew, a Mexican, a (black), a (honkey) or (cracker), an American, an Indian, a Slovak, a Greek, a Kraut, or a Mick, but we can tell jokes about anyone else.....as long as it doesn't mention "nationality."
This country has entered a SAD state.
I'm not saying that some of these jokes aren't "good jokes," some of them crack me up, it's just that PC has gotten the better of some of us.
Hey, how about some good "CRIPPLE" jokes?! You know, some good quadrapalegic jokes! How about some "guys with a bad backs jokes!" How about some women with large "apendages" jokes! How about some "war veterans with missing limbs or severe burns" jokes? Where are all the "Crocodile Hunter" jokes? How about some "Rebel" jokes or "Yankee" jokes? Where are the "Gun Owners" jokes? Where are the "Anti-Gun" jokes?
I'm saying all this to make a point and to ask a question. Has the "PC" of the media and of "certain people" caused you to make a change in your view points and your postings? Are you "afraid" of posting or saying certain things because you may seem "uneducated" or "biased" or "evil" or not of the "norm" or "out of touch" according to the "PC" BS that is being presented today? How are you affected by the PC being presented today? Do you refrain from owning a gun because of PC? Do you refrain from expressing yourself because of PC? Do you refrain from voting the way you feel is right because of PC?
Think about it, PC has influenced so many people, has it crept into your life?
Stand up for your self! Don't let others dictate what you are allowed or able to do or say! You may be DEAD WRONG! But, at least in the United States of America, you have a RIGHT to be so or do so.
Where is your joke about all these?
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Tue May 20th, 2008 01:06 am |
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Grandmas Don't Know Everything:
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came
into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two
people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the
truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with
the
kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it
isn't
called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom
wants to talk to you."
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Thu May 15th, 2008 05:14 pm |
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This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H -I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
Politicians learn this early!!!
"REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE
ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS
ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Thu May 15th, 2008 12:14 pm |
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It happened just yesterday a poster called La Guanaquita posted a cheeky comment then posted a comment that attacked one person by name ,the person that La Guanaquita cursed at ,all she had done was copy and paste facts off the news ,about mostly facts thats was posted under Immigration , I replied and three others and went to work ,the administrator sent me a little email that said something to the effect that ,I couldn't say the things I did and if I did it again I would have to find another forum.It wasn't something that someone should have went to the administrator about.I guess some people won't stand up for themselves, so it needs to be censored.If someone doesn't like the way I punctuate or spell fine ,its not a big deal there are more important things out there to worry about.However a nice person ,I enjoy reading their post ,did tell me about spell check,which is handy,when I remember to use it. It's not to far in the future that freedom of speech will just be a memory  Oh and you probably should put this in a new thread, somewhere other than joke ,it would make a great thread.
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Doulos
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Posted: Thu May 15th, 2008 04:33 am |
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It's really a sign of the times and of PC. We can't tell a joke about a Pollock, a Jew, a Mexican, a (black), a (honkey) or (cracker), an American, an Indian, a Slovak, a Greek, a Kraut, or a Mick, but we can tell jokes about anyone else.....as long as it doesn't mention "nationality."
This country has entered a SAD state.
I'm not saying that some of these jokes aren't "good jokes," some of them crack me up, it's just that PC has gotten the better of some of us.
Hey, how about some good "CRIPPLE" jokes?! You know, some good quadrapalegic jokes! How about some "guys with a bad backs jokes!" How about some women with large "apendages" jokes! How about some "war veterans with missing limbs or severe burns" jokes? Where are all the "Crocodile Hunter" jokes? How about some "Rebel" jokes or "Yankee" jokes? Where are the "Gun Owners" jokes? Where are the "Anti-Gun" jokes?
I'm saying all this to make a point and to ask a question. Has the "PC" of the media and of "certain people" caused you to make a change in your view points and your postings? Are you "afraid" of posting or saying certain things because you may seem "uneducated" or "biased" or "evil" or not of the "norm" or "out of touch" according to the "PC" BS that is being presented today? How are you affected by the PC being presented today? Do you refrain from owning a gun because of PC? Do you refrain from expressing yourself because of PC? Do you refrain from voting the way you feel is right because of PC?
Think about it, PC has influenced so many people, has it crept into your life?
Stand up for your self! Don't let others dictate what you are allowed or able to do or say! You may be DEAD WRONG! But, at least in the United States of America, you have a RIGHT to be so or do so.
I'm sorry this was "double" posted.
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Doulos
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Posted: Thu May 15th, 2008 04:28 am |
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It's really a sign of the times and of PC. We can't tell a joke about a Pollock, a Jew, a Mexican, a (black), a (honkey) or (cracker), an American, an Indian, a Slovak, a Greek, a Kraut, or a Mick, but we can tell jokes about anyone else.....as long as it doesn't mention "nationality."
This country has entered a SAD state.
I'm not saying that some of these jokes aren't "good jokes," some of them crack me up, it's just that PC has gotten the better of some of us.
Hey, how about some good "CRIPPLE" jokes?! You know, some good quadrapalegic jokes! How about some "guys with a bad backs jokes!" How about some women with large "apendages" jokes! How about some "war veterans with missing limbs or severe burns" jokes? Where are all the "Crocodile Hunter" jokes? How about some "Rebel" jokes or "Yankee" jokes? Where are the "Gun Owners" jokes? Where are the "Anti-Gun" jokes?
I'm saying all this to make a point and to ask a question. Has the "PC" of the media and of "certain people" caused you to make a change in your view points and your postings? Are you "afraid" of posting or saying certain things because you may seem "uneducated" or "biased" or "evil" or not of the "norm" or "out of touch" according to the "PC" BS that is being presented today? How are you affected by the PC being presented today? Do you refrain from owning a gun because of PC? Do you refrain from expressing yourself because of PC? Do you refrain from voting the way you feel is right because of PC?
Think about it, PC has influenced so many people, has it crept into your life?
Stand up for your self! Don't let others dictate what you are allowed or able to do or say! You may be DEAD WRONG! But, at least in the United States of America, you have a RIGHT to be so or do so.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Thu May 15th, 2008 01:25 am |
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| I passed it on
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CCG
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Posted: Wed May 14th, 2008 10:47 pm |
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