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OkeeNarnie
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Posted: Wed May 7th, 2008 02:00 pm |
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Had to dig through old files to find this gem but here it is...
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember .......
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Wed May 7th, 2008 01:30 am |
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Mexican Oyster
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! We call those Cojones del Toro. They are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delightful delicacy!' The cowboy thought about it for a second and then said, 'What the heck, bring me an order!'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
So the next morning, the cowboy returned early and placed his order. That evening, he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw served yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied 'Si, señor, sometimes the bull wins .'
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Bilgerat
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Posted: Mon May 5th, 2008 09:12 pm |
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Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s Mayonnaise was manufactured in England.
In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.
But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. It hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were devastated at the loss.
Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Sat May 3rd, 2008 04:38 pm |
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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend: 'I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.'
The other student says: 'No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class.'
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: 'We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?' The old man said: 'I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think.'
One of the students said: 'I think it's Petry Syndrome.' The old man said: 'You thought.......... but you are wrong.'
Then the other student said: 'I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.' The old man said: 'You thought.......... but you are wrong.
So they asked him: 'Well, what do you have?' The old man said: 'I thought it was GAS........... but I was wrong.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Fri May 2nd, 2008 07:56 pm |
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This is no Joke ,didnt know where to put it.
The next time you hear a politician use the
word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in
one of its releases.
A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.
D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two
feet.
E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and
20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.
While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's
take a look at New
Orleans It's amazing what you can learn with some
simple division
Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking
the Congress
for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans .. Interesting
number, what
does it mean?
A. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of
New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you
each get $516,528.
B. Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.
C. Or, if you are a family of four, your family
gets $2,066,012.
Washington , D.C .. HELLO!!! ... Are all your calculators
broken??
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),
Liquor Tax,
Luxury Tax,
Marriage License Tax,
Medicare Tax,
Property Tax,
Real Estate Tax,
Service charge taxes,
Social Security Tax,
Road Usage Tax (Truckers),
Sales Taxes,
Recreational Vehicle Tax,
School Tax,
State Income Tax,
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),
Telephone Federal Excise Tax,
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fe e Tax,
Telephone Federal, State and Local Su rcharge Tax,
Telephone Minimum Usage Su rcharge Tax,
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,
Telephone State and Local Tax,
Telephone Usage Charge Tax,
Utility Tax,
Vehicle License Registration Tax,
Vehicle Sales Tax,
Watercraft Registration Tax,
Well Permit Tax,
Workers Compensation Tax.
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago,
and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle
class in the
world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
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Taterbo
Member
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Posted: Thu May 1st, 2008 04:27 am |
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Theft Problem IMPORTANT MESSAGE:
You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys
removed by black-market organ thieves.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went
to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick.
The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were
these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for
my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in
jeans. And then the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it
was the same gang because they took pains to match my new rear-end to
the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached
at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to
give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was
fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing
to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting
scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could
they do to me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey
neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell
the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body
parts - stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has
something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed
and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see
that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them
hidden in my waistband.
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Doulos
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Posted: Wed Apr 30th, 2008 01:54 am |
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| Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it!
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Wed Apr 30th, 2008 01:46 am |
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BBQ RULES
When a man volunteers to do
the BBQ the following chain
of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad,
prepares the vegetables, and
makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the
meat for cooking, places it on a
tray along with the necessary
cooking utensils and sauces,
and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill - drink
in hand.
Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT
ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(5) The woman goes inside to
organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell
the man that the meat is burning.
He thanks her and asks if she will
bring another drink while he deals
with the situation.
Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT
OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT
TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(8) The woman prepares the plates,
salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears
the table and does the dishes. And
most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN
and THANKS HIM for his cooking
efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how
she enjoyed 'her night off.' And,
upon seeing her annoyed reaction,
concludes that there's just no
pleasing some women.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Wed Apr 30th, 2008 01:44 am |
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ROSES & HANGING BASKETS
A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her!
'Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!'
and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother says,
'Loosen up,
Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets.
Happy Gardening.
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CCG
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Posted: Wed Apr 30th, 2008 12:23 am |
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DUCT TAPE USE #317
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Bilgerat
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Posted: Tue Apr 29th, 2008 10:34 pm |
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Blonde In A Bar
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits a lady's boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender
goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off the blonde.
Each time he calls for a beer this happens so after his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hits the woman's boobs,
the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts...AND SHE DECKS HIM!!!.
He's laying on the floor moaning and asking, "Jeez...why do you `clobber' me, when you let the bartender do it?"
Get ready...here it comes........
"Because," says the blonde, "he has a licker license"!
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Tue Apr 29th, 2008 06:41 pm |
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| corny, corny, so corny I'm going to pass it on.I guarantee my mother gonna say, I don't get it! Last edited on Tue Apr 29th, 2008 06:42 pm by Firefly1958
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Tue Apr 29th, 2008 06:35 pm |
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Firefly1958 wrote: Now that one was corny
Then you'll love this one 
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Tue Apr 29th, 2008 06:29 pm |
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| Now that one was corny
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Tue Apr 29th, 2008 05:59 pm |
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A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Tue Apr 29th, 2008 02:12 am |
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Okay, this is a much needed Monday funny!
Ole and Sven were fishing on the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a
cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied. Then reaching into his
tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands.
'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya, shure. It 's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
'Could I see him?'
Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your
master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there,
waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million
ducks....flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I
asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do
yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?'
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Tue Apr 29th, 2008 02:10 am |
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Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic. Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.
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OkeeNarnie
Member
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Posted: Mon Apr 28th, 2008 01:43 pm |
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Headlines For 2029
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being over taken by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Non illegal aliens (Caucasian) now account for 39% of the population of the US.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
And last but certainly not the least. . .
Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting machine.
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OkeeNarnie
Member
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Posted: Mon Apr 28th, 2008 01:39 pm |
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Tips from Ms Manners
In General...
1. Never take a beer to an interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.
Dining Out...
1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with both hands.
Entertaining in your home...
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
Personal Hygiene...
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)...
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette...
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have proven that they can't hear you.
Weddings...
1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette...
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral possession.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Mon Apr 28th, 2008 02:48 am |
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| A talking frog .
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Mon Apr 28th, 2008 01:23 am |
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New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I not there yet, but hey, I have most of the qualifications but the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry" We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. In the "New army" now, "Get down and give me .. er .. One."
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
Also, we won't get in trouble for mistreating prisoners. We won't take any.
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Mon Apr 28th, 2008 12:59 am |
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An older man loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice says again,
'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up! Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all of your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride.'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front shirt pocket.
Then the frog said, 'What,are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah ............. at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Mon Apr 28th, 2008 12:32 am |
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A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more. 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted
indignantly. 'In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.'
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man.
'Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.'
$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Sat Apr 26th, 2008 02:04 am |
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A Loving Husband...
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain..do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. "I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. "I love you, too."
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Sat Apr 26th, 2008 02:00 am |
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A cowboy walks into a bar, a few miles West of Brokeback Mountain], and, after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
'What the hell,' he says to himself, 'I really want a drink.'
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, 'What's the name of your 'willy'?'
The cowboy says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.'
The gay waiter says, 'I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your 'willy'. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, 'Hey bud, what's the name of yours?'
The man looks back and says with a smile, 'TIMEX.' The thirsty cowboy asks, 'Why Timex?' The fella proudly replies, ' 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!''
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, 'So, what do you guys call yours?'
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, 'FORD', because ''Quality is Job One.' Then he adds, 'Have you driven a Ford lately?'
The guy next to him then says, 'I call mine CHEVY, 'Like a Rock!' And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, 'The name of my 'willy' is SECRET. Now give me a beer.'
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, 'Why Secret?'
The cowboy says, 'Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Thu Apr 24th, 2008 07:56 pm |
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True Player
One evening, Mike went over to his friend, Terry's, house to play
cards with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife.
Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he
looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs wide open
and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed. He went into the kitchen
to get a drink of water. To his surprise, Terry's wife had followed him
into the kitchen and said 'Did you like what you saw?'
Mike said, "Yes, I did!"'
Terry's wife said, "Well, you can get more than that but it will
cost you $500." Mike thought about his financial situation and said
okay.
She said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at
work." Mike said, "I'll see you then." The next day Mike went over,
they had sex, he paid her, and then he left.
Later Terry came home and asked,
"Has Mike been over here today?" Thinking she had been caught, she
said "As a matter of fact, he did."
Terry said "Good, because that fool came by my job this morning and
asked to borrow $500 until this evening, and he said he would leave it
with you."
NOW THAT'S A TRUE PLAYER!!!!
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Thu Apr 24th, 2008 07:51 pm |
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]MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: WATER
My vieja gets mad and I don't even know water problem is!
MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: BRIEF
My homie farted gacho, bad, and I couldn't brief.
MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: MUSHROOM
Orale vato, when all my familia gets in the car, there's not mushroom.
MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: CHICKEN
My vieja wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go by herself.
MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: HORCHATA
You can keep talking s h i t, horchata the fack up.
MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: JULY
Ju told me ju was goin to da store n July to me! Julyer.
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Bilgerat
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Posted: Thu Apr 24th, 2008 06:55 pm |
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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?""
The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
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Bleueyes
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Posted: Thu Apr 24th, 2008 02:39 pm |
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I havent seen a 2 dollar bill in forever. I wish I had one. Thats a funny story...
heres something that I thought was hilarious when it happened.
My son and I were in a thrift store down in West Palm Beach. We were just looking around, seeing what we could find. We walked past a bunch of old books and Old 33 records. My oldest son was 3 at the time. he stopped and looked at those records, and studied them for a minute, then he said MOM! Look, those CD's are huge! I couldnt help myself, I had to laugh out loud. I couldnt believe that my kids were gonna grow up not knowing what records are...
Last edited on Thu Apr 24th, 2008 02:39 pm by Bleueyes
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Taterbo
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Posted: Thu Apr 24th, 2008 04:58 am |
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Everyone should start carrying $2 bills!
I am STILL laughing!! I think we need to quit saving
our $2 bills and bring them out in public. The younger
generation doesn't even know they exist.
STORY:
On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for
a quick bite to eat . In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill.
I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not
have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying
to break a $50 bill.
Me: 'Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.'
Server: 'That'll be $1.04. Eat in?'
Me: 'No, it's to go.' At this point, I open my billfold and hand
him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.
Server: 'Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.'
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot.
The following conversation occurs between the two of them:
Server: 'Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?'
Manager: 'No. A what?'
Server: 'A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.'
Manager: 'Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill.'
Server: 'Yeah, thought so.' He comes back to me and says,
'We don't take these. Do you have anything else?'
Me: 'Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?'
Server: 'I don't know.'
Me: 'See here where it says legal tender?'
Server: 'Yeah.'
Me: 'So, why won't you take it?'
Server: 'Well, hang on a sec.'
He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me
like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, 'He says I have to take it.'
Manager: 'Doesn't he have anything else?'
Server: 'Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change
Manager: 'I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'
Server: 'What should I do?'
Manager: 'Tell him to come back later when he has real money.'
Server: 'I can't tell him that! You tell him.'
Manager: 'Just tell him.'
Server: 'No way! This is weird. I'm going in back.
The manager approaches me and says, 'I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night.'
Me: 'It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill.'
Manager: 'We don't take those, either.'
Me: 'Why not?'
Manager: 'I think you know why.'
Me: 'No really, tell me why.'
Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'Excuse me?'
Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'What on earth for?'
Manager: 'Please, sir.'
Me: 'Uh, go ahead, call them.'
Manager: 'Would you please just leave?'
Me: 'No.'
Manager: 'Fine -- have it your way then.'
Me: 'Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?'
At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner.
I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and
I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy Comes in.
Guard: 'Yeah, Mike, what's up?'
Manager (whispering): 'This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.'
Guard: 'No kidding! What?'
Manager: 'Get this. A two dollar bill.'
Guard (incredulous): 'Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?'
Manager: 'I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.'
Guard: 'Oh, so the fifty's fake!'
Manager: 'No, the two dollar bill is.'
Guard: 'Why would he fake a two dollar bill?'
Manager: 'I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?'
Guard: 'Yeah.'
Security Guard walks over to me and......
Guard: 'Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.'
Me: 'Uh, no.'
Guard: 'Lemme see 'em.'
Me: 'Why?'
Guard: 'Do you want me to get the cops in here?'
At this point I am ready to say, ' Sure, please!' but I want to eat, so I say, 'I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill.
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I 'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and he says, 'Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?'
Manager: 'It's fake.'
Guard: 'It doesn't look fake to me.'
Manager: 'But it's a two dollar bill.'
Guard: 'Yeah? '
Manager: 'Well, there's no such thing, is there?'
The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue.
So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too. Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get free food there, too.
Just think...those two will be voting soon
....YIKES!!!
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Wed Apr 23rd, 2008 09:19 pm |
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It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Harold had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Harold in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"
"Iced tea, please," Harold said. Mom brought the iced tea.
"So, what are you and Peggy Sue planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
"Really?" Harold asked shocked, eyebrows rose.
"Oh yes," the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, they're always looking for a new place to do it!"
"Is that so?" asked Harold, incredulous.
"Yes," said the mother.. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well umm, thanks for the tip!" Harold said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Harold.
"Have fun, kids!" the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
"Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen "The TWIST, dammit! It's called the Twist!
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floridagirl
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Posted: Wed Apr 23rd, 2008 06:18 pm |
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My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.
We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
In capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical
To stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Wed Apr 23rd, 2008 11:12 am |
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Last edited on Tue Jul 8th, 2008 06:46 pm by Firefly1958
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okie-dokie
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Posted: Wed Apr 23rd, 2008 12:09 am |
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell
sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and
says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky; what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are
millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be
approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are
small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we
will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell
you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent." |
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designdiva
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Posted: Tue Apr 22nd, 2008 05:16 pm |
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When Insults Had Class:
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... If you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill... followed by Churchill's response:
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one."
Winston Churchill
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde
Last edited on Tue Apr 22nd, 2008 05:19 pm by designdiva
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Tue Apr 22nd, 2008 05:00 pm |
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Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a sexy leather bodice, stilettos and mask over their eyes ………
After a few days they meet again........
The engaged girlfriend said: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, you are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.
The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'
The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night; I got myself ready, leather bodice, and super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?
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Taterbo
Member
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Posted: Tue Apr 22nd, 2008 08:37 am |
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A Couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the
beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at
the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor
was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing;
she would approach people who were sitting on the
beach, glance around furtively,then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she
would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod
and there would be a quick exchange of money and
something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and
debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know
for sure, they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have
you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with
boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't -- and said so.
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and
our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can
find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife
was almost hopping up & down with anticipation when
she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.
The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at
the road.
"Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.
"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more
than he should have.
"Well, what is it then? What does she do ?" his wife
fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, "She's a battery
salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes ..." he replied -
SCROLL DOWN
OOOOH - You're gonna dislike me for this - but I bet you forward it.
She sells C cells by the seashore
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Taterbo
Member
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Posted: Tue Apr 22nd, 2008 08:31 am |
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This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do | | |