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Firefly1958
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Posted: Wed Apr 9th, 2008 03:07 pm |
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Did he look like this
Last edited on Wed Apr 9th, 2008 03:11 pm by Firefly1958
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pops
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Posted: Wed Apr 9th, 2008 02:46 pm |
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We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'
There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.....and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
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OkeeNarnie
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Posted: Wed Apr 9th, 2008 02:15 am |
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The proper way to Get R Done....
In General...
1.. Never take a beer to an interview.
2.. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3.. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4.. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5.. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.
Dining Out...
1.. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
2.. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.
Entertaining in your home...
1.. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Personal Hygiene...
1.. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
2.. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3.. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4.. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)...
1.. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2.. Be assertive, let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two years ago."
3.. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette...
1.. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2.. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have proven that they can't hear you.
Weddings...
1.. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
3.. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4.. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette...
1.. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2.. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3.. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5.. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession
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P.VanTassell
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Posted: Tue Apr 8th, 2008 10:12 pm |
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Bilgerat wrote: P.VanTassell wrote: Ever hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He opted to stick it out for a little while longer.
**ba-dum TSH**
Attachment: badumtsh.jpg (Downloaded 253 times)
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Bilgerat
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Posted: Tue Apr 8th, 2008 10:03 pm |
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P.VanTassell wrote: Ever hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He opted to stick it out for a little while longer.
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P.VanTassell
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Posted: Tue Apr 8th, 2008 08:50 pm |
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Ever hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He opted to stick it out for a little while longer.
Last edited on Tue Apr 8th, 2008 08:52 pm by P.VanTassell
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Tue Apr 8th, 2008 06:38 pm |
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Tue Apr 8th, 2008 06:34 pm |
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Tue Apr 8th, 2008 06:27 pm |
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designdiva
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Posted: Tue Apr 8th, 2008 03:06 pm |
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It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! 
For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stella's for the past year:
7TH PLACE:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own
son.
6TH PLACE:
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.
5TH PLACE:
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the
automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more...
4TH PLACE:
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed
the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.
3RD PLACE:
Third place goes to Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she
slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend
30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more
Stellas to go...
2ND PLACE:
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor,
knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover
charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
1ST PLACE: (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot
Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
You can't fix stupid.. and now its profitable
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Tue Apr 8th, 2008 02:58 pm |
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AHHHHHHHH, PVT that was a good one! 
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P.VanTassell
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Posted: Tue Apr 8th, 2008 02:50 pm |
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Here is my contribution
Ponderisms...things to ponder
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Last edited on Tue Apr 8th, 2008 02:50 pm by P.VanTassell
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Tue Apr 8th, 2008 02:42 pm |
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Firefly1958 wrote:  
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Tue Apr 8th, 2008 02:39 pm |
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Last edited on Tue Apr 8th, 2008 02:42 pm by Firefly1958
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designdiva
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Posted: Tue Apr 8th, 2008 02:27 pm |
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Veterinarian
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
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CCG
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Posted: Tue Apr 8th, 2008 04:26 am |
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SECONDS before Death (CHILLING).
WARNING! GRAPHIC PHOTO!!
WARNING! GRAPHIC PHOTO!!
THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN
WITH JUST A FEW SECONDS
LEFT TO LIVE
(VERY CHILLING!)
Scroll down
Last edited on Wed Apr 9th, 2008 01:01 pm by
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Bilgerat
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Posted: Tue Apr 8th, 2008 03:39 am |
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Firefly1958 wrote: Bilgerat and Diva I think we are the only ones that keep this thread from dying .I think we have about the same sense of humor, things are just funny to us keep'em coming it makes my day to laugh
I'm betting that others read here
They're just "skeered" to post
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Tue Apr 8th, 2008 03:27 am |
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| Bilgerat and Diva I think we are the only ones that keep this thread from dying .I think we have about the same sense of humor, things are just funny to us keep'em coming it makes my day to laugh
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Bilgerat
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Posted: Tue Apr 8th, 2008 12:56 am |
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TIME PASSES SO QUICKLY
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designdiva
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Posted: Mon Apr 7th, 2008 11:20 pm |
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| Firefly.....ROFLMBO......... Diva
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Mon Apr 7th, 2008 10:43 pm |
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---------- Forwarded message -
MARK YOUR CALENDAR FOR NEXT SATURDAY!
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other
than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does. So next
Saturday at 4 PM. Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of
their houses completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist
effort.
All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to
prove they are not Muslims, and to show support for all American women. Since
Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further
proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.
The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and
applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless
America.
It is your patriotic duty to pass this on.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Mon Apr 7th, 2008 10:40 pm |
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Nudist Colony
>A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off
his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde
walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.
>
>The woman noticed his erection, ca me over to him and asked, "did you call
for me?"
>
>The man replied, "No, what do you mean?"
>
>She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if
you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she led him to
the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly
>pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
>
>Later, the ma n continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the
sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a hu ge, hairy man
lumbered out of the steam room toward him.
>
>"Did you call for me? " asked the hairy man.
>
>"No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer.
>
>"You must be new." answered the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you fart,
it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spun him around, put
him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
>
>The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a
smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked.
>
>"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the
$500 membership fee."
>
>"But, Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours. You haven't
had a chance to see all our facilities."
>
>"Listen lady, I' m 68 years old. I only get an e rection once a month, but I
fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here."
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Mon Apr 7th, 2008 10:36 pm |
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Remember that cute little Coppertone girl with her dog pulling on her blue bathing suit bottoms during the late 1950's and throughout the '60's?
Well, she's all grown up now, and is living inSarasota, Florida, at Siesta Key Beach.
Last edited on Wed Apr 9th, 2008 04:06 pm by Firefly1958
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Mon Apr 7th, 2008 05:36 pm |
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
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Bilgerat
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Posted: Mon Apr 7th, 2008 05:20 pm |
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BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
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squatlow
Member
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Posted: Mon Apr 7th, 2008 04:06 pm |
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LOL .. that didn't come out right that sounded like a Southern Sacrilege!!
I do not use soap on my cast iron. My Hubbie and I always joked that if we ever had divorced, the custody fight wouldn't have been over the kids but over the cast iron; I have some of the best seasoned cast iron in the County 
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Mon Apr 7th, 2008 02:24 pm |
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squatlow wrote: LOL .... Firefly, when my daughter was in school their class was talking about "Southern" idiosyncrasies and two of them were "saving bacon grease" and "not putting dish soap in your cast iron frying pan" ....... my daughter told on me, "My mom does both".
Soap ??????????
On Cast Iron ??????????????
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Attachment: scary_screamer.jpg (Downloaded 203 times)
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squatlow
Member
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Posted: Mon Apr 7th, 2008 01:41 pm |
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| LOL .... Firefly, when my daughter was in school their class was talking about "Southern" idiosyncrasies and two of them were "saving bacon grease" and "not putting dish soap in your cast iron frying pan" ....... my daughter told on me, "My mom does both".
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Mon Apr 7th, 2008 01:34 am |
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Warning About Bacon Grease
DO YOU USE BACON GREASE?
The question is: Do you use bacon grease?
We were raised on bacon grease (lard) as kids and even into adulthood.? I will never use it again. I hope you will throw yours away whenever you fry bacon from now on. It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore.
COOKING WITH BACON GREASE?
This is what happens when you keep cooking with bacon grease. This is a warning, send this to everyone you care about.
It could happen to you......or them.
Bacon grease will make your feet small!!
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Mon Apr 7th, 2008 01:24 am |
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Mon Apr 7th, 2008 01:22 am |
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Firefly1958 wrote: O........Kay
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Mon Apr 7th, 2008 01:21 am |
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| O........Kay
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Bilgerat
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Posted: Mon Apr 7th, 2008 01:15 am |
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Firefly1958 wrote: Why it's best to get married in a church, sorry just colored outside the lines
Attachment: cantsee.jpg (Downloaded 202 times)
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Mon Apr 7th, 2008 01:10 am |
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Mon Apr 7th, 2008 01:08 am |
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Why it's best to get married in a church, sorry just colored outside the lines Last edited on Wed Apr 9th, 2008 04:08 pm by Firefly1958
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Mon Apr 7th, 2008 01:06 am |
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Mon Apr 7th, 2008 01:01 am |
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I appreciate Gallagher
- "Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola; them around you that ain't fruits or nuts, is flakes."
- "Hey, what do you expect from a culture that drives on parkways and parks on driveways?"
- "Why does cargo go by ships and shipments go by truck"
- "And who was it that created names like "Peacekeeper Missile" and "Christian Militia"?"
- "I wish there was a knob on the TV so you could turn up the intelligence. They got one called 'brightness', but it don't work, does it?"
- "People like crowds. The bigger the crowd, the more people show up. Small crowd, hardly anybody shows up."
- "What would a chair look like if our knees bent the other way?"
- "Y'know, God experimented with the other animals before he got around to us. You ladies oughtta thank him for creating the cow, and getting that udder idea out of his head!"
- "You ever see that sign: 'This Door Must Remain Shut At All Times'... why have a goddamn door?"
- "You know what's stupid? Skiing. You get on top of a slippery mountain with sleds on your feet and you go down... big deal. Try not to. Or, go up! Now that'd be a sport for ya!"
- "If M & M's 'melt in your mouth, not in your hand.' what would they do, say... under your armpit?"
- "If nothing sticks to Teflon, what makes it stick to the pan?"
- "Why is it called a 'building' when they're done building it? It should be called a 'built.' Or, you could say, 'I live in that crumbling over there.'"
- "We go to school to learn to communicate, but all the teachers say to us is "shut up!"
- "Wonder why it is your underarms stink. Did it ever come in handy? Did you ever say 'Well thank God my underarms stunk! He came out of the bushes and I said Get back! I've been to aerobics!'"
- "Women wear a pair of panties but only one bra."
- "I would like now to talk briefly about the Japanese, a race of very short people who are always bending in half. You can't make an honest business deal with them because you can't look em' in the eye."
- "Wonder why it is God didn't give us wheels. He must've known we get skates for Christmas."
- "Before the invention of the telephone, you had to lie to people to their face!"
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Casey
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Posted: Mon Apr 7th, 2008 12:50 am |
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Q: What does a Salmon say when it hits a concrete wall?
A: Dam
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Mon Apr 7th, 2008 12:18 am |
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Why, Why, Why
Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when yo u say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
]
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
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squatlow
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Posted: Sun Apr 6th, 2008 09:25 pm |
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| that was a great one Taterbo ........... and Diva, I'm still folding tees LOL
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Taterbo
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Posted: Sun Apr 6th, 2008 07:41 pm |
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The Law of the Garbage Truck
I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport .
We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.
My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches!
The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us.
My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy.
And I mean, he was really friendly.
So I asked, 'Why did you just do that?
This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!'
This Is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'
He explained that many people are like garbage trucks.
They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger and full of disappointment.
As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you.
Don't take it personally.
Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.
Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.
The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.
Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so.....
'Love the people who treat you right.
Pray for the ones who don't.'
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Sun Apr 6th, 2008 06:33 pm |
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Last edited on Tue Jul 8th, 2008 07:55 pm by Firefly1958
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Taterbo
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Posted: Sun Apr 6th, 2008 10:39 am |
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Engineer In hell 
An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.
One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Sun Apr 6th, 2008 03:06 am |
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| Ohhhhhh..... thats a History lesson! Last edited on Sun Apr 6th, 2008 03:06 am by Firefly1958
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designdiva
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Posted: Sun Apr 6th, 2008 03:01 am |
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Subj: history lesson
Have you ever wondered where the Phrase "You Gotta Be s**ttin' Me"
came from?
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of
Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the
Delaware River wit | | |