This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American
company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really
gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors'
choice for best web mail-award-winning letter.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20
years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak
Guard Core or Dry-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback
riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and
down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be
your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I
can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a
little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever
suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the
month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal
forces violently s urging through my body. Just a few minutes from now,
my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes
to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body
amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no
doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about
the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about
our intense
mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely
realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my
friend Jenifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's
testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he
thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America
is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings
me to the reason for my letter. Last month , while in the throes of
cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my
uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive
backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you *&%$#*@ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of
your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling,
laughing happiness is possible during a
menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be
anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have
to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to
say something that' s actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss
your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bull s**t. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always.
Tongue Twister
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"
So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." "She socked me one."
The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too."
"I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Corn Flakes, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you lousy bitch.''
.The Results of Recent Research Shows There are 7 Kinds of Sex
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
for a short time and you are so needy you will
have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
for a long time. Yoursex has gotten routine and
you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex ..
* This is when you have been with your partner
for too long. When you pass each other in the
hallway you both say 'screw you.'
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex ..
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun
in the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex ..
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any
more. She takes you to court and screws you
in front of everyone.
And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month.
But not enough to enjoy yourself.
PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.
I have enough problems of my own.
Last edited on Thu Apr 3rd, 2008 12:46 am by Firefly1958
designdiva wrote: Firefly--- It's a quarter horse.....LOL Diva
Gottcha Diva Its a hind quarter horse/its a half a horse /its a funny looking horse. Its a emu horse
Last edited on Tue Apr 1st, 2008 03:57 am by Firefly1958
1) Zero Gravity
When NASA started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and a gigabuck developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them.
(2) Our Constitution
"They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we; just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and hell, we're not using it anymore."
(3) Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.
A new Pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners,at one home it was obvious someone was home but no one answered his repeated knocks at the door.There fore he took out his business card and wrote Revelation 3:20 on the back of it and stuck it in the door and left.When he was processing the offering on Sunday morning he found the card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message Genesis 3:10 ,Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation ,he broke into a gale of laughter.Rev.3:20 begins Behold I stand at the door and knock. Gen 3:10 reads ,I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.
Last edited on Sun Mar 30th, 2008 05:03 pm by Firefly1958
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Two old men were discussing their life and decided they was not long for this world and decided they was going go for a last night on the town. So they went to the local pub and drank all night ,they ended up at the brothel.The madame knew how drunk they was and told her assistant to get two blow up dolls and put one on each of the beds, she wasn't going to waste her girls time on these two, they was to drunk to know the difference.so the assistant did as was asked of him and the men went in.Later they were talking about what all happened with their girls, The first man said ,You know what,I think my girl was dead,Dead said the second man, yeah I kissed her and talked to her and loved on her and she didn't move or say a word ,Huh said the second man ,well I think mine was a witch,A witch said the first man why do you think she was a witch? Well I was loving on her and nibbling on her neck and bit her,she farted and flew out the window and she took my Teeth with her.
Last edited on Wed Mar 26th, 2008 03:11 pm by Firefly1958
Mitch4 wrote: Oh yes, PERSEC and OPSEC were mentioned to me at a later date- during my lecture I'll bet they were And from what your telling me- the brat probably lied to be when he told me they were heading to GITMO Gitmo is an exception to the rule. It's a very well protected bayNo worries on him mentioning ANYTHING TO ME---I read it in the paper- send him the article and THEN find out if it was his group that was involved in it or not. Sorry, but that's the way it's supposed to work All because I wanted to follow his cutter on a hurricane map Sending you a PMAnyways, because of the Internet- a family would be the last to know of a problem, because they cut off all Internet access on the boats now in certain situations. Mostly for the family's really, the don't want them to hear anything from the media- they want to personally contact the family. Would anyone want to read about something?Did you ever read the full, entire report from the CG on the two accidental deaths of the divers off of Alaska? If not- I'll send it to you. I have it, bad ju-ju and errors made on that one.By the way- check out allot of military myspace pages? I am surprised at some of the information on them. I despise My Space.
My son was out for a month in the Carribean (USCG) it was during hurricane season, and I was kinda worried as a large one was forming. So I sent him an e-mail, asking him to send me the longitude and latitude of his position ( I wanted to track where his cutter was at)
I received the sternest reply I have ever received from my son.
"Mom- that is against the LAW for me to provide you with this information"!
Obviously it was really STUPID for me to ask this question- nor did I know that most Navy and Coast Guard boats head to GITMO for shelter during hurricanes. (that's public record).
Later in a phone conversation to me he said "Mom, are you CRAZY sending me a question like that, what were you thinking". I replied ( in total embarrassment) that I kinda did not know how it would come across as asking for official government information.
My husband just shook his head at me, as usual, if I had any mind at all.
P.S. And yes, Bilgerat- I already know what you are thinking of this!
Oh Dear
Mitch, I am certain that something like this would have never entered into yours (or many other's) thought patterns before this. Like you said, you just didn't know.
And by the way, at sea during a "cane" is often far safer for a larger Cutter than in Port. It's not the best time in the world, but it beats getting slammed against a dock
But anyhow,
Now would be a good time to discuss two words, PERSEC and OPSEC. These are two words that all the men and women in the Services think of daily.
PERSEC stands for Personal Security. It is very important for us not to give away things like pictures with "where in the world I am" type of information in "real time". And faces WITH names and military insignia (unit names, special patches) attached are also bad photo's to release.
ANY "real time" information must be held close, so if your call to your loved one seems a bit "stilted", don't worry, they're just doing their job.
Of course, photo's of your son and the family when he graduated from Cape May is not "real time" and can be shown to any who would like to see.
The bottom line, if you think it might be "trouble", best to keep it close to your vest.
OPSEC is Operational Security. That definition can be found in an old joke about a GI during WWII sending a letter home to Mom and Dad
In it he said "I can't tell you where I am, but yesterday I danced the hula with a gal" A few weeks later another letter with the line "I still can't tell you where I am, but today I shot a Polar Bear"
A month passes and a letter arrives. In it the lad told his folks "I can tell you where I am, but since the Doctors said I should have shot the hula girl and danced with the polar bear, I just don't want to".
Oh yes, PERSEC and OPSEC were mentioned to me at a later date- during my lecture
And from what your telling me- the brat probably lied to be when he told me they were heading to GITMO
No worries on him mentioning ANYTHING TO ME---I read it in the paper- send him the article and THEN find out if it was his group that was involved in it or not.
All because I wanted to follow his cutter on a hurricane map
Anyways, because of the Internet- a family would be the last to know of a problem, because they cut off all Internet access on the boats now in certain situations. Mostly for the family's really, the don't want them to hear anything from the media- they want to personally contact the family.
Did you ever read the full, entire report from the CG on the two accidental deaths of the divers off of Alaska? If not- I'll send it to you.
By the way- check out allot of military myspace pages? I am surprised at some of the information on them.
My son was out for a month in the Carribean (USCG) it was during hurricane season, and I was kinda worried as a large one was forming. So I sent him an e-mail, asking him to send me the longitude and latitude of his position ( I wanted to track where his cutter was at)
I received the sternest reply I have ever received from my son.
"Mom- that is against the LAW for me to provide you with this information"!
Obviously it was really STUPID for me to ask this question- nor did I know that most Navy and Coast Guard boats head to GITMO for shelter during hurricanes. (that's public record).
Later in a phone conversation to me he said "Mom, are you CRAZY sending me a question like that, what were you thinking". I replied ( in total embarrassment) that I kinda did not know how it would come across as asking for official government information.
My husband just shook his head at me, as usual, if I had any mind at all.
P.S. And yes, Bilgerat- I already know what you are thinking of this!
Oh Dear
Mitch, I am certain that something like this would have never entered into yours (or many other's) thought patterns before this. Like you said, you just didn't know.
And by the way, at sea during a "cane" is often far safer for a larger Cutter than in Port. It's not the best time in the world, but it beats getting slammed against a dock
But anyhow,
Now would be a good time to discuss two words, PERSEC and OPSEC. These are two words that all the men and women in the Services think of daily.
PERSEC stands for Personal Security. It is very important for us not to give away things like pictures with "where in the world I am" type of information in "real time". And faces WITH names and military insignia (unit names, special patches) attached are also bad photo's to release.
ANY "real time" information must be held close, so if your call to your loved one seems a bit "stilted", don't worry, they're just doing their job.
Of course, photo's of your son and the family when he graduated from Cape May is not "real time" and can be shown to any who would like to see.
The bottom line, if you think it might be "trouble", best to keep it close to your vest.
OPSEC is Operational Security. That definition can be found in an old joke about a GI during WWII sending a letter home to Mom and Dad
In it he said "I can't tell you where I am, but yesterday I danced the hula with a gal" A few weeks later another letter with the line "I still can't tell you where I am, but today I shot a Polar Bear"
A month passes and a letter arrives. In it the lad told his folks "I can tell you where I am, but since the Doctors said I should have shot the hula girl and danced with the polar bear, I just don't want to".
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an
argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed,
this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have
just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping
around the house.
(3)Nothing: This is the calm before the
storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments
that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4)Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is
a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she
thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing
here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the
meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most
dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she
wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay
for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not
question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause
here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE
sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome"
... that will bring on a "whatever").
(8)Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*cK YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another
dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a
man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later
result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.
My son was out for a month in the Carribean (USCG) it was during hurricane season, and I was kinda worried as a large one was forming. So I sent him an e-mail, asking him to send me the longitude and latitude of his position ( I wanted to track where his cutter was at)
I received the sternest reply I have ever received from my son.
"Mom- that is against the LAW for me to provide you with this information"!
Obviously it was really STUPID for me to ask this question- nor did I know that most Navy and Coast Guard boats head to GITMO for shelter during hurricanes. (that's public record).
Later in a phone conversation to me he said "Mom, are you CRAZY sending me a question like that, what were you thinking". I replied ( in total embarrassment) that I kinda did not know how it would come across as asking for official government information.
My husband just shook his head at me, as usual, if I had any mind at all.
P.S. And yes, Bilgerat- I already know what you are thinking of this!
Last edited on Tue Mar 25th, 2008 06:31 pm by Mitch4
IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS, IT'S EVEN A BRAVER ONE WHO FORWARDS IT.
Son asked his mother the following question:
"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father."Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,"Son, all household appliances come in white." P.S. His funeral is scheduled during March Madness. Appropriate or what?
I dont get it, whats the Joke and you left something out... Why did he die?
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her
> altitude
> and spots a man fishing from a boat below.
>
> She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I
> would
> meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
>
> The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air
> balloon,
> approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea
> level.
> You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees,
> 49.09minutes west longitude.
>
> She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"
>
> "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
>
> "Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically
> correct, but I have no idea what t o do with your information, and I'm
> still
> lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."
>
> The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."
>
> "I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"
>
> "Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going.
> You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You
> made
> a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to
> solve
> your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we
> met,
> but, somehow, now it's my fault."*
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
This is supposed to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.
- Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
- Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.
- This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
- No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
- THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
Its a hind quarter horse/its a half a horse /its a funny looking horse.
I'll bet they were 
Gitmo is an exception to the rule. It's a very well protected bay
