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OkeeNarnie
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Posted: Thu Nov 5th, 2009 08:23 pm |
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Retirement on Florida's Gulf Coast...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KhSMKfU8HE
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OkeeNarnie
Member
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Posted: Thu Nov 5th, 2009 08:17 pm |
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srcitizen
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| Joined: | Sat Sep 5th, 2009 |
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| Posts: | 440 |
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Posted: Thu Nov 5th, 2009 11:35 am |
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Little Johnny.......
style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent"
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep.
It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate,
not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City
and I was fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you
to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand.......
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.......
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate',
so she called on him for his offering.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons,
but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.............
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Taterbo
Member
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Posted: Wed Nov 4th, 2009 07:24 am |
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An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he
insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he
was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go
well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live
with you and your wife....'
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Taterbo
Member
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Posted: Wed Nov 4th, 2009 07:19 am |
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A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. 'Is it true,' she
wanted to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for
the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, 'I 'm
wondering, then. just how serious is my condition because this
prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.'
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Wed Nov 4th, 2009 12:23 am |
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Chicken Farmer
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No.
That won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is"
Last edited on Wed Nov 4th, 2009 12:24 am by Firefly1958
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Taterbo
Member
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Posted: Fri Oct 30th, 2009 06:22 pm |
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A bear, a lion and a pig meet.
Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."
Pig says: "big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet shi!s itself."
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Taterbo
Member
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Posted: Wed Oct 28th, 2009 05:35 pm |
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A drunk who smelled of alcohol and beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath.' The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be d**ned," then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
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Taterbo
Member
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Posted: Wed Oct 28th, 2009 10:09 am |
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An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to his most skeptical friend, inviting him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by; they fired, and a duck fell.
The dog responded. It did not sink, but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter finally broke the silence, asking, “Well, what do you think of my new dog?”
The other guy was quiet for a moment, then said, “Can’t swim, huh
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Taterbo
Member
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Posted: Wed Oct 28th, 2009 10:07 am |
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A man was driving through west Texas one evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and the engine died, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total isolation. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice: "It's your fuel pump."
"Who said that?" the man called out.
There were two horses, a white one and a black one, standing in the fenced field alongside the road. The man was amazed when the white horse repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flash light, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
"Yes, it was!" the man said, finally happy someone understood. "Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know nothin' about cars."
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Taterbo
Member
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Posted: Wed Oct 28th, 2009 10:01 am |
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A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?
"HELLLOOOOOOO..." answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs
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pops
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| Joined: | Sat Feb 23rd, 2008 |
| Location: | Florida USA |
| Posts: | 1632 |
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Posted: Thu Oct 22nd, 2009 08:23 pm |
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Firefly1958
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| Joined: | Thu Jan 10th, 2008 |
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Posted: Thu Oct 22nd, 2009 04:49 pm |
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No Christmas Nativity in Washington
There will be no Nativity Scene in
Washington this year! The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States ' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capital... A search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable. |
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OkeeNarnie
Member
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Posted: Thu Oct 22nd, 2009 04:46 pm |
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Top 10 Ways
To Tell Your
To d**n Old For
Trick Or Treating
10. You get winded from knocking on the door
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you
8. You ask for high fiber candy only
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Boris Karloff Mask." and you're not even wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or....." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You keep having to go home to pee.
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pops
Member
| Joined: | Sat Feb 23rd, 2008 |
| Location: | Florida USA |
| Posts: | 1632 |
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Posted: Thu Oct 22nd, 2009 04:42 pm |
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OkeeNarnie
Member
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Posted: Wed Oct 21st, 2009 10:03 pm |
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I MISS BILL CLINTON! It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious. From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton. 
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! Up till they elected ObieBamma he was the closest thing to having a black man as President.
Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes."
~ya gotta love it~
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Mon Oct 19th, 2009 09:47 pm |
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A Preacher was extolling the virtues of living a clean life and was leaning heavily on the sins of demon alcohol
"If I drop a worm in a glass of water, it swims around and thrives. Yet, if I drop the same worm in a glass of whiskey, the worm shrivels and dies. People, what does that say to you?"
A voice from the rear of the Congregation responded, "If you drink whiskey, you'll never get worms."
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Mon Oct 19th, 2009 01:27 pm |
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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, a loud noise came
from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed
and yelled at the man, "s**t! That must be my husband!"
So the guy quickly got out of bed scared and naked, he
grabbed his pants and jumped out the window like a crazy
man. He smashed himself on the ground, went through a
thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to
his car.
Just a few minutes later he returned and screams at the
woman, "What the hell are you trying to do to me? I'm your
husband, you slut!"
The woman yelled back, "Yeah? Why were you running? You
son of a b**ch!"
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Mon Oct 19th, 2009 02:34 am |
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Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his mule in a race and it won
The pastor was so pleased with the Ass that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ass out front.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
Publicity that he ordered
The pastor not to enter the mule in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline
Read:
BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
Ordered the pastor to get
Rid
Of the mule.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
Nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
The following headline
The
Next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to
Get rid of the mule, so
She
Sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10..
This was too much for the bishop, so he
Ordered the nun to buy back
The mule
And lead it to the plains where it could run
Wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . .
.... Being concerned about public opinion
Can bring you much grief and misery . ... Even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
You'll be a lot happier
And
Live longer!
Have
A nice day
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pops
Member
| Joined: | Sat Feb 23rd, 2008 |
| Location: | Florida USA |
| Posts: | 1632 |
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Posted: Sun Oct 18th, 2009 10:33 pm |
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1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda...
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad.. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
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OkeeNarnie
Member
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Posted: Sat Oct 17th, 2009 11:08 pm |
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Curtis &Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis &Leroy replied,"Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Bailout Program..
Limit all US politicians to two terms.
One in office
One in prison
Illinois already does this!
Last edited on Sat Oct 17th, 2009 11:10 pm by OkeeNarnie
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Firefly1958
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| Joined: | Thu Jan 10th, 2008 |
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Posted: Thu Oct 15th, 2009 08:40 pm |
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Holy Prostitutes
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.
''Very well my son. Please follow me...' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door..' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.
This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the wooden door at the end of the hallway.' He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Thu Oct 15th, 2009 03:46 pm |
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Taterbo wrote: Firefly1958 wrote: Results of recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called:[size=]Kitchen Sex.. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has become routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
What happened to 6 & 7 ??????
The 6th kind of sex , is Court sex ,you go to court and she screws you in front of everybody. The 7th kind of sex is social security sex you get alittle each month but not enough to enjoy yourself.
Last edited on Thu Oct 15th, 2009 10:45 am by Firefly1958
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Taterbo
Member
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Posted: Thu Oct 15th, 2009 09:16 am |
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Firefly1958 wrote: Results of recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called:[size=]Kitchen Sex.. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has become routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
What happened to 6 & 7 ??????
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Firefly1958
Member
| Joined: | Thu Jan 10th, 2008 |
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Posted: Thu Oct 15th, 2009 01:42 am |
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Boudreaux done got old and his childen dun put him in the old folks' home near Breaux Bridge, where he dun met a lovely lady dat were from Texas . Now Boudreaux being a fine upstanding Catholic, he didn't want to do nutin dat were aganst his religion, no. So he dun propose marriage.*
Now both Boudreaux and Mabel were in their 80s.
Mable went and tole everyone at the Senior Citizens home the good news. Irene, Mabel's best friend, told her that since she was very wealthy and the person she was about to wed was, well to say the least, not worth a plug nickel, she should insist on a Prenuptial Agreement.
Mabel was sitting on the porch swing with Boudreaux and she told him she would marry him providing he would sign a prenuptial agreement.
Boudreaux dun told Mabel I don' know what dat is but I'll sign anything you want, cause I luv you so much.
Mabel got out her pen and paper and started:
She said: I want to keep my house down in Texas with all the oil wells.
He said: Dat's fine wit me.. I'll keep my shack on da bayou.
She said: I want to keep my Cadillac, BMW and Lexus.
He said: Dat's fine wit me. I'll keep my pick-em-up truck.
She said: I want to keep my yacht that is moored near my summer home in Padre Island .
He said: Dat's fine wit me. I'll keep my pirogue.
She said: I want to keep all my jewelry.
He said: Dat's fine wit me. I'll keep my stuffed deer head..
She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: Dat's fine wit me... Put me down for Fridays
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Firefly1958
Member
| Joined: | Thu Jan 10th, 2008 |
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Posted: Thu Oct 15th, 2009 01:40 am |
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Results of recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called:[size=]Kitchen Sex.. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has become routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind of sex , is Court sex ,you go to court and she screws you in front of everybody. The 7th kind of sex is social security sex you get alittle each month but not enough to enjoy yourself.Last edited on Thu Oct 15th, 2009 03:45 pm by Firefly1958
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Firefly1958
Member
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Posted: Thu Oct 15th, 2009 01:36 am |
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Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting new program. I will explain it using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico ,
Honduras and Guatemala .
* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to
management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)
***
I'm going to go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that I met at a yard sale and we're going to drink beer all day
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Taterbo
Member
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Posted: Sat Oct 10th, 2009 10:42 am |
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Old Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score.'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the heck was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides'.
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OkeeNarnie
Member
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Posted: Thu Oct 8th, 2009 02:55 pm |
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Funny short U-Tube Video about mans best friend and his bone...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JSToLWAwebA
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Taterbo
Member
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Posted: Tue Oct 6th, 2009 04:56 am |
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Life Lessons
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32.. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.."
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Mon Oct 5th, 2009 03:48 am |
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MEN!!!!
One day my housework-challenged husband decided] to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,
he shouted to me, ' What setting do I use on the
washing machine? ' 'It depends, ' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt? '
He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE ! ' And they say
blondes are dumb....
----------------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying
in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make
you the happiest woman in the world.. ' The woman replies,
' I ' ll miss you.........
---------------------------- 'It ' s just too hot to wear clothes today, '
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ' honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this? '
'Probably that I married you for your money, ' she replied.
------------------------------------------- Q: What do you
call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
------------------------------------------- Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I ' ll beat him to death.
AMEN
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be
men.
-------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you
call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy..
--------------------------------------------- Q: What does it
mean when a man is in your bed gasping
for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough..
------------------------------------------ Q: Why do men whistle when they
are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
------------------------------------------- Q: How do you
keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the
email folder ' Instruction Manuals '
-------------------------------------------------
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mrclean2k9
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Posted: Sun Oct 4th, 2009 02:44 am |
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| Don't put your trust in Money......Put your Money in Trust.
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Taterbo
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Posted: Sat Oct 3rd, 2009 09:43 am |
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There once was a man who worked in a metal fabrication shop. The factory would import sheet metal, press it into shape, trim off the excess, then send it on down the assembly line for finishing. One of the men who worked there asked his boss if he could take a wheelbarrow load of the scrap metal home each day. The scrap was hardly worth anything so the boss agreed.
The security guard was suspicious when the man brought out the first load and called his boss to make sure he had permission. He did and the security guard let him through. Every day for 20 years this went on, with the security guard performing random checks to "keep him on his toes."
After 20 years both the worker and the security guard retired within a month of each other. The company threw them a joint retirement party at a local bar. As the party was winding down, the security guard and the worker were a few of the only people left at the bar. The guard said, "So tell me. I wont turn you in, but after all these years I have to know. What were you smuggling out the the factory all those year?"
The worker replied, "Wheelbarrows."
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Taterbo
Member
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Posted: Sat Oct 3rd, 2009 09:36 am |
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A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the on-scene officer, he learned the body was that of a young woman. The body was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back.
The on-scene officer asked what the detective thought had happened to the woman.
The detective responded, "I think it's obvious. A cereal killer got her!"
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Taterbo
Member
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Posted: Sat Oct 3rd, 2009 09:25 am |
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Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money.
Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
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Taterbo
Member
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Posted: Sat Oct 3rd, 2009 09:20 am |
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A missionary suddenly realized that the one thing he hadn't yet taught the natives he served was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of the natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. Flustered, the missionary quickly says to the chief, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the preoccupied couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other. "How could you kill these people in cold blood that way?" he demands. "My bike," the chief replied.
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Taterbo
Member
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Posted: Sat Oct 3rd, 2009 09:13 am |
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A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
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Thedesigndiva
Member
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Posted: Fri Oct 2nd, 2009 05:18 pm |
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LOOKING FOR WORK
An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work within four weeks.'
A Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
An ILLINOIS doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of ILLINOIS , put him in the White House for FOUR MONTHS, and now half the WORLD is looking for work.
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pops
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| Joined: | Sat Feb 23rd, 2008 |
| Location: | Florida USA |
| Posts: | 1632 |
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Posted: Sun Sep 27th, 2009 02:40 pm |
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A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemists(pharmacy).
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.
“Six pence,” says the chemist.
“How much for a new one?”
“Ten pence," says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.
“We’ll have a new one.”
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Taterbo
Member
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Posted: Fri Sep 25th, 2009 10:15 pm |
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A guy walks into a bar
and says to the woman bartender,
"Hey, babe, Anheuser Busch?"
"Fine", she says, "and how's your dick?"
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Taterbo
Member
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Posted: Fri Sep 25th, 2009 09:49 pm |
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Spell Chequer
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss Steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no.
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
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Thedesigndiva
Member
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Posted: Fri Sep 25th, 2009 07:49 pm |
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Bilgerat wrote: Thedesigndiva wrote: The 1st Affair
This one's making the rounds 
Good one Bilgerat..
Diva
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Bilgerat
Member
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Posted: Fri Sep 25th, 2009 07:44 pm |
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Thedesigndiva wrote: The 1st Affair
This one's making the rounds
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Thedesigndiva
Member
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Posted: Fri Sep 25th, 2009 07:35 pm |
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The 1st Affair
[size=A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!' ][size=
]
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.
'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!' [size=
The 4th Affair ][size=
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a d**ned thing.'
The 5th Affair ]
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
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Firefly1958
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| Joined: | Thu Jan 10th, 2008 |
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Posted: Tue Sep 22nd, 2009 02:31 pm |
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Humor in the Court
Facts, Fiction, and Foolishness
Here are some excerpts from two books entitled Humor in the Court and More Humor in the Court. The books are collections of courtroom bloopers that were compiled by the National Court Reporters Association. We very happily share this great material.
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What is his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!!
------------------------------------
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
------------------------------------
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No. I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
-----------------------------------
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
----------------------------------
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
--------------------------------
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
---------------------------------
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
-----------------------------------
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
------------------------------------
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
-------------------------------------
Q. Did you tell your lawyer your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
-------------------------------------
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
--------------------------------------
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Tue Sep 22nd, 2009 02:27 pm |
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20 Responses to Use With Telemarketers (PG)
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. Sing in an operatic voice if possible. Or a "Tiny Tim" falsetto. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No Telemarketers were harmed in the testing.
*******************************************************************************
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Tue Sep 22nd, 2009 01:31 am |
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When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, And during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex?
'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'
Horrified Jane said, ' Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
'Here' she said,pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed ' What did you do that for ?'
Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'
Last edited on Tue Sep 22nd, 2009 01:35 am by Firefly1958
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Vigilance
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Posted: Sun Sep 20th, 2009 07:34 pm |
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| A young man entered a monastery as a monk where the vow of silence is observed. He was told that if he followed all the rules for ten years he would be granted two words. Ten years went by and he was called in and given the opportunity to use his two earned words. He said: "Bed hard". With that he went out and was called in again after another ten years. This time he said "Food bad". He went out again and after another ten years he was called in. This time he said: "I quit". The reply was: "I'm not surprised. All you've done since you've been here is complain."
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Taterbo
Member
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Posted: Sun Sep 20th, 2009 07:23 pm |
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Two elderly ladies were sitting on the front porch in Moore Haven, doing nothing.
One lady turns to the others and asks "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies "Oh, sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady says, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first lady asks, "Who do you get to drive you to the beach?'
Last edited on Mon Sep 21st, 2009 03:18 am by Taterbo
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srcitizen
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Posted: Sun Sep 20th, 2009 05:06 pm |
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Lemons
A man was out of work and looking through the Want Ads.
He saw a job as a Lemon Picker.
He thought I can do that. So he went to apply.
At the interview he was asked if he had any experience picking Lemons.
He replied, I most certainly do.
I have been divorced 3 times and I voted for Obama.
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