A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00....
on one condition..."
Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay" And he makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley
A man was driving through an intersection when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
He thought this was quite funny, so he went around the block again and slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.
He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing so hard and looking up at the camera when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN 1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She
was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old
shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher
a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child
are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to
answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in
the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks,
with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in
amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little
boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary
school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and
down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and
continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should
ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then
' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my
shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in
front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was
barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got
back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied puzzled. The boy looked at
me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring
at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the
inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth
fairy will never believe this!'
8) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box
and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the
deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and
with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father
always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the
hole he goooes.'
9) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm
just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write,
and they won't let me talk!'
10) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as
he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible
He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that
had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy
called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young
boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.
A Cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The Officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.
I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MDbecauseof the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'
I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa'sNovena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.
A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on]
where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she
tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a
spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
Last edited on Tue Sep 8th, 2009 05:14 am by Taterbo
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful an
sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace.
Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall
with his Private Part
hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Pri vate Part back inside your
pajamas.'
'But, Nur se Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.
The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.
Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.
Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to receive you."
"Okay," the man replies, "I'll go get ready."
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.
"Who the hell are you?" the man asks.
"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."
The husband exclaims, "But you're naked!"
The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.
Bra sizes Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F and Gare the letters used to define bra sizes?If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out whatthe letters stood for...
It is about time you became informed!{A} - Almost Boobs...{B} - Barely there.{C} - Can't Complain!{D} - d**n!{DD} - Double d**n!{E} - Enormous!{G} - GEEEEzus Christ!{F} - Fake.
The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
But there were no discounts.
The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?'.
The man replied, ' Ontario '.
'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .'
'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
This is the first "dirty joke" my Daddy told me as an adult. I was married and believe me, even with this, my Mother flashed him a "you should be ashamed of yourself look". Gosh I miss my Daddy and being his girl. I hope you all enjoy it, as much as I did nearly 33 years ago.
Little Johnnie was sitting in the classroom and shouted out to the teacher.
"Miss Johnson, I've gotta go pee."
Miss Johnson was shocked and she turned away from the chalkboard, facing little
Johnnie with a stern look and said,
"Johnnie, we do not use that type of language in this classroom. If you have to do that, you must raise your hand and when I call on you, you will then say,
"Miss Johnson, I need to go do number one."
Little Johnnie said, Okay Miss Johnson. He then headed to the bathroom.
About an hour later, Little Billy yelled out during the reading session and said,
"Miss Johnson, I've gotta go poop.'
Miss Johnson looked up totally frustrated from her paperwork and looked over at little Billy and said,
"Billy, we do not use that type of language in this classroom. If you have to do that, you must raise your hand and when I call on you, you will then say,
"Miss Johnson, I need to go do number two."
Little Billy, said "Yes, Miss Johnson." He then headed to the bathroom.
About two hours later, Miss Johnson was deep and heavy into her daily History lesson
when she saw Little Johnnie, frantically waving his arms. She finally reached an area in the book, that she felt comfortable to stop the lesson and looked at little Johnnie and said,
"Johnnie, what is so important that you find it necessary to wave your arms in that fashion and disrupt our History lesson?"
Little Johnnie, with a serious look on his face, rose to his feet by his desk and said,
"Miss Johnson, I'm really sorry but Little Frankie needs to fart and he needs a number."
-
DO YOU KNOW THE FRONT FROM THE BACK OF A TREE?????????
A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY.
WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN , HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!
HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN
APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY
JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.
THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A
TREE "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."
THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."
THE FOREMAN IS IMPRE SSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.
"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD
FEET."
THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!
ONE MORE TEST.
THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE
FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"
BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK, 242
BOARD FEET AT BEST."
THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS.
AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.
HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER
THERE?" "I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!"
THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE
FRONT OF THE TREE?"
WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING
AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.
HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS.
THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE H*LL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"
THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS
LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A CRAP BEHIND IT!"
How to Poop at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee.. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees!
SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF~
The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.
The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.
The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise..
NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE
QUIT LAUGHING... POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS
Last edited on Thu Sep 3rd, 2009 07:10 pm by Taterbo
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned
home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been?
Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us
went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie
detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I
am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied
to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked
him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
"Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair..
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace. A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies , tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece .
ISN'T THIS THE TRUTH ??????
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance".
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance".
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" - you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet, of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in, too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex." The researcher was a little taken back.
"Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge but, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall.
My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker.
He loves to communicate and does it quite well.
He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library,
the grocery store or at a drive-thru window.
People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old.
And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume.
It's always fully cranked.
There have been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning
of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice,
but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco.
Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called,
so I took Cade with me into the restroom.
If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening,
this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:
~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Mommy, are you gonna go potty?
Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy?
Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now?
Mommy, what are you doing?
Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?'
At this point I started mentally counting how many women
had been in the bathroom when I walked in.
Several stalls were full ... 4? 5?
Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my
debut out of this stall and reveal my identity.
Cade continued, 'Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you?
Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy!
Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty?
Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy!
Oh .. Mommy! I'm trying to see in dere.
Oh! I see dem.
Dat is a very good girl, Mommy.
You are gonna get some candy!'
I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me.
Where is a screaming new born when you need her?
Good grief!
This was really getting embarrassing.
I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting.
Trying to divert him, I said,
'Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy?
We'll both have some!'
'No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies.
Oh! Mommy!' He started to gag at this point.
'Uh oh, Mommy.
I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!!
Dat is so gross!!'
As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall.
I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject.
I began to reason with myself: OK.
There are four other toilets.
If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those
who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.
'Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now?
I want you to be done going stinkies!
Get up! Get up!'
He grunted as he tried to pull me off.
Now I could hear full-blown laughter.
I bent down to count the feet outside my door.
'Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy?
You wooking under da door?
What were you wooking at, Mommy?
You wooking at the wady's feet?'
More laughter. I stood inside t he locked door and tried to assess the situation.
'Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now.
We have to go out now, Mommy.'
He started pounding on the door. 'Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands?
I want to go out!!'
I saw that my 'wait 'em out' plan was unraveling.
I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall,
twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall,
all smiling and starting to applaud.
My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought,
'Where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away
every bit of my dignity and privacy?'
But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin
while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands,
I thought, I'd sign it all away again,
just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.
Le-a" Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO NO NO
Lei?? Guess Again
This child attends a school inDetroit, MI.. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the 20 pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If they axe you why, tell them the dash don't be silent.
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires. CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........I QUALIFY - How about You?
Married Life, makes my eyes tear up thinking about it
Ah the Sweetness of Married Life
The newlyweds were only married two weeks, when the husband said to the wife, 'Honey I'm going to Hank's Tavern to have a beer, I'll be right back'.
'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. 'I'm going to have a beer...'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar.... You know...they have frozen glasses......
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long.. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
'But my sweet honey.... At the bar... You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?
LISTEN UP, CHICKEN SNIT! SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES RIGHT HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE FREAKIN' MARRIED NOW AND YOUR SORRY ASS IS SOO NOT GOING TO A DAMMED BAR! THAT SNIT IS OVER! GOT IT, IDIOT?'
And they lived happily ever after.
Isn't that a sweet story?
Last edited on Tue Aug 25th, 2009 05:02 pm by Bilgerat
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
A couple who'd been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?"
He moved over and sat close to her.
"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?" He reached over and held her tight.
"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"
With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband
leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she
leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband
was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works ! "
After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my
wife one day and said, 'Honey, 40 years ago we had a cheap
apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a
10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with
a hot 25-year-old gal.
Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed
a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman.
It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.'
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and
find a hot 25-year-old gal to sleep with, and she would make sure that I would
once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,
sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.
Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when
they collide.
The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying
attention to where I was going'.
The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm
getting a little desperate.'
The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and
she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'
The old timer says... 'Doesn't matter ---let's look for yours.'
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked
her how she liked the experience.
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!'
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'. 'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I'm dumpin ' it here, cause it says:
'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.
Jon and Dan are in a mental institution which has an annual contest that picks two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they answer correctly, they are released.
Jon is called into the doctor's office first. The doctor says, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"
Jon says, "I'd be half blind."
"That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?"
"I'd be completely blind." The doctor tells him that he is free to go. On Jon's way out he tells Dan the questions and answers.
The doctor asks Dan, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
Dan says, "I'd be half blind."
The doctor, slightly puzzled, continues, "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?"
"I'd be completely blind."
"Dan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?" asks the doctor.
"Well," replies Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."
