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Taterbo
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Posted: Sat Aug 22nd, 2009 09:39 am |
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Man Translation...
'I'M GOING FISHING' Means: 'I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.'
'IT'S A GUY THING' Means: 'There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.'
'CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?' Means: 'Why isn't dinner already on the table?'
'UH HUH,' 'SURE, HONEY,' OR 'YES, DEAR...' Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
'IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN' Means: 'I have no idea how it works.'
'I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.' Means: 'I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.'
'TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD.' Means: 'I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.'
'THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR.' Means: 'Are you still talking?'
'YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.' Means: 'I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.'
'I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.' Means: 'The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.'
'OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.' Means: 'I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt.'
'HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING.' Means: 'And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon.'
'I CAN'T FIND IT.' Means: 'It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.'
'WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?' Means: 'What did you catch me at?'
'I HEARD YOU.' Means: 'I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.'
'YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE' Means: 'I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.'
'YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.' Means: ''Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.'
'I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.' Means: 'No one will ever see us alive again.'
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IMHO
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Posted: Sat Aug 22nd, 2009 01:26 am |
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Where is God?
If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?'
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?'
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What happened?'
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 'We are in BIG trouble this time,'
(I just LOVE reading this next line again and again
'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Sat Aug 22nd, 2009 01:13 am |
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>
>
>
>
> An Irish woman of advanced age visited her
> physician to ask his advice on reviving her
> husband's
> libido.
>
> 'What about trying Viagra?' asked
> the doctor.
>
> 'Not a chance', she said. 'He
> won't even take an aspirin.'
>
> 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor..
> 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.
> It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into
> his coffee. He won't even taste it.
> Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know
> how things went..'
>
> It wasn't a week later when she called the
> doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
> The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus
> and begorrah!
> T'was horrid!
> Just terrible,
> doctor!'
>
> 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
>
> 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in
> his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.
> He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye
> and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
> With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and
> tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to
> tatters and took me then and there passionately on
> the tabletop!
> It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
> nightmare!'
>
> 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, '
> Do you mean the sex your husband provided
> wasn't good?'
>
> 'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex
> I've had in 25 years!
> But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll
> never be able to show me face in Starbucks
> again!
>
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pops
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Posted: Thu Aug 20th, 2009 09:46 pm |
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Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender asks, "Where did you get that?"
" Africa . . . they're all over the place!", said the Parrot.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Sun Aug 16th, 2009 06:41 pm |
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History of all the horses asses...
> INTERESTING HISTORY LESSON
>
> Railroad tracks. This is fascinating.
>
> Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will
> depend on the earlier part of the content.
> The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4
> feet, 8.5 inches.. That's an exceedingly odd number.
>
> Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in
> England , and English expatriates built the US railroads.
>
> Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines
> were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and
> that's the gauge they used.
>
> Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the
> tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building
> wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
>
> Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
> Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would
> break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because
> that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
>
> So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first
> long distance roads in Europe (and England
> ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
>
> And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts,
> which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon
> wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were
> all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States
> standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the
> original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot..
> Bureaucracies live forever.
>
> So the next time you are handed a specification/
> procedure/process and wonder 'What
> horse's ass came up with it?', you may be exactly right. Imperial
> Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear
> ends of two war horses. (Two horse's asses.) Now, the twist to the
> story:
>
> When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two
> big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These
> are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at
> their factory in
> Utah . The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to
> make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from
> the factory to the launch site.
> The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in
> the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel
> is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as
> you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
>
> So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the
> world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two
> thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought
> being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control
> almost everything... and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling
> everything else.
>
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Thedesigndiva
Member
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Posted: Fri Aug 14th, 2009 08:00 pm |
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The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it. The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
- The stamp is in perfect order
- There is nothing wrong with the glue
- People are spitting on the wrong side
Diva  Last edited on Fri Aug 14th, 2009 08:01 pm by Thedesigndiva
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Fri Aug 14th, 2009 07:13 pm |
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President Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.
In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.
The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all.
Barack drank the concoction and replied, 'That tasted like bulls**t!'
The doctor replied, 'It was, you were a quart low.
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Thedesigndiva
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Posted: Fri Aug 14th, 2009 06:12 pm |
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Firefly....THANK YOU VERY MUCH....That was a HOOT...I am still laughing....
Diva
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Thu Aug 13th, 2009 03:30 am |
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This is funny!! Take your time and read it…..
"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...
This is a hoot .... Sad, because it is TRUE ..... But a hoot!!!!
By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...
In order to continue getting-by in North America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".
With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...
The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today......
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
Guest: "I... Don't think so."
RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We bodder?"
Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... Rye??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".....and you do, don't you!
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Mon Aug 10th, 2009 02:50 am |
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BOODRO AND THE RUSSIAN WRESTLER
Boodro and a Russian are set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal in Wrestling.
Before the final match, Coach Thibodaux says, "Mais, doan forget all duh research
we done on dis Russian. He's neva' loss a match because of dis 'Pretzel' hold he has.
Whateva' you do, doan let him git you in dat hold! If he does... you're finished!"
Boodro nodded in ackowledgment.
As the match started, Boodro and the Russian circled each other several times, looking
for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Boo and folding
his body in the dreaded 'Pretzel' hold!
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and Coach Thibodaux buried his face in
his hands, for all he knew, all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream! Then a cheer from the crowd! Coach Thib raised his eyes
just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air, his back on the mat with a thud,
as Boodro collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match!
Coach Thibodaux was astounded.
When he finally got Boodro alone he asked him, " How you got out dat hold?
No one has eva' done dis before!"
Boo answered slowly, "Mais, Ah was ready to give up when he got me in dat hold, but at duh
lass moment, Ah opened ma' eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of ma' face.
Ah had nothing to lose, so wit' ma' lass ounce of strength... Ah stretched out ma' neck ...
and bit dose boogers juss as hard as Ah could!"
So," exclaimed Coach Thib, "Is dat what finished him off?"
" Mais, not really", said Boo. " You'd be amazed how strong you git when you bite ya' own NUTS!"
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Thu Aug 6th, 2009 01:40 am |
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The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock !
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra , Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Sat Aug 1st, 2009 02:39 am |
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Tough Getting Old
A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him,
"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR"
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flsr
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Posted: Fri Jul 31st, 2009 10:31 pm |
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Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green ..'
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready.'
The manager said, 'Go ahead.'
Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Wed Jul 29th, 2009 08:59 pm |
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I know everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which sex you are..
This morning on the way to work, I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman
In a brand new
Cadillac
Doing 75 mph
With her Face, up next to her
rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
for a couple seconds!
And when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup.
As a man,
I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped ,My electric shaver ,
which knocked
The donut
Out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car
using my knees against
the steering wheel,
it knocked
my cell phone
away from my ear,
which fell,
into the coffee
between my legs,
splashed,
and burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the phone,
soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an
important call.
d**n women drivers!
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TheGonzoJournalist
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Posted: Wed Jul 22nd, 2009 06:26 am |
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Firefly1958 wrote: VIBRATOR RECALL HILARIOUS If you think you might be offended , Don't watch ..Firefly http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEZ4YbWSmb0
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Wed Jul 22nd, 2009 02:13 am |
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How to Recognize a Gay Terrorist
OSAMA BIN SHOPPIN
Attachment: Obama.jpg (Downloaded 318 times) Last edited on Wed Jul 22nd, 2009 02:14 am by Firefly1958
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Wed Jul 22nd, 2009 02:01 am |
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| VIBRATOR RECALL HILARIOUS If you think you might be offended , Don't watch ..Firefly http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEZ4YbWSmb0
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Wed Jul 22nd, 2009 01:53 am |
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Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that 's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
***************************************************
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Fri Jul 17th, 2009 02:27 am |
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�
�
�������������EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
My wife's �going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.�
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . �I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient. �
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad
news when I told a wife that her husband had
died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up
appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of his medications.. ' Which one ?'. . . I asked. 'The patch... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of
the old �patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
Norfolk, VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,��I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about twenty years - when �my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steve n Swanson-
Corvallis, OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste.'. . . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit,
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting �a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered . . . It �was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . . . had to �mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name
�����AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
�����8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. �. .
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
' No doctor �but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' '
�����Dr. wouldn't submit his name....
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Wed Jul 15th, 2009 05:52 pm |
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>
> YEP OLD AGE IS FUNNY
>
>
> After the eighty-three year old lady finished
> her annual physical examination, the doctor said,
> "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Green,
> but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"
>
> "Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said.
> She stepped out into the crowded reception room
> and yelled out loud: "Bob, do we still have intercourse?"
>
> And there was such a hush you could hear a pin drop.
>
> Bob answered impatiently,
> "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a
> hundred times...What we have is
>
>
>
>
> Blue
> Cross!"
>
>
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Wed Jul 15th, 2009 01:26 am |
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> Garage
> Door
>
> The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his
> zipper
> was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked
> up to him and said,
> 'This morning when you left your house, did you close
> your garage door?' The
> boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and
> walked into his office
> puzzled by the question.
>
> As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly
> noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then
> understood his assistant's
> question about his 'garage door.'
>
> He headed out for a cup of coffee and
> paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was
> open, did you see my Hummer
> parked in there?'
>
> She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was
> an
> old mini van with two flat tires.'
>
>
[font=""]>
> An elderly gentleman....
>
> Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went
> to the doctor
> and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of
> hearing aids that
> allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
> The elderly gentleman went back in a
> month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing
> is perfect. Your family
> must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
> The gentleman replied, 'Oh,
> I haven't told my family yet.
> I just sit around and listen to the
> conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
>
>
>
>
[font=""]> Two elderly gentlemen from a
> retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when
> one turns to the
> other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and
> I'm just full of aches and
> pains. I know you're about my age. How do you
> feel?'
> Slim says, 'I feel just
> like a newborn baby.'
> 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
> 'Yep. No hair, no
> teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
>
>
>
[font=""]>
> An elderly couple had
> dinner at another couple's house , and after eating,
> the wives left the table
> and went into the kitchen.
> The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
> 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was
> really great. I would
> recommend it very highly.'
> The other man said, 'What is the name of the
> restaurant?'
> The first man thought and thought and finally said,
> 'What is
> the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
> You know... The one
> that's red and has thorns..'
> 'Do you mean a rose?'
> 'Yes, that's the
> one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the
> kitchen and yelled, 'Rose,
> what's the name of that restaurant we went to last
> night?'
>
>
> Hospital regulations require
> a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while
> working as a student
> nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and
> sitting on the bed with
> a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my
> help to leave the
> hospital.
> After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me
> wheel
> him to the elevator.
> On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting
> him.
> 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still
> upstairs in the bathroom changing
> out of her hospital gown.'
>
>
>
> Couple in their nineties
> are both having problems remembering things. During a
> checkup, the doctor tells
> them that they're physically okay, but they might want
> to start writing things
> down to help them remember
>
> Later that night, while watching TV, the old
> man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while
> I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
>
> 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
> 'Sure.'
> 'Don't you think you
> should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
>
> 'No, I can remember
> it.'
> 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.
> Maybe you should write
> it down, so's not to forget it?'
> He says, 'I can remember that. You want a
> bowl of ice cream with strawberries... '
> 'I'd also like whippe d cream. I'm
> certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she
> asks.
> Irritated, he says, 'I
> don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
> cream with strawberries and
> whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
> Then he toddles into the
> kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
> The old man returns from the kitchen and
> hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the
> plate for a moment.
>
> 'Where's my toast ?'
>
>
>
> A senior citizen said to
> his eighty-year old buddy:
> 'So I hear you're getting married?'
> 'Yep!'
>
> 'Do I know her?'
> 'Nope!'
> 'This woman, is she good looking?'
> 'Not
> really.'
> 'Is she a good cook?'
> 'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
> 'Does
> she have lots of money?'
> 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
> 'Well, then, is
> she good in bed?'
> 'I don't know.'
> 'Why in the world do you want to marry
> her then?'
> 'Because she can still drive!'
>
>
>
[font=""]>
> Three old guys are out
> walking.
> First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
> Second one says, 'No, it's
> Thursday!'
> Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
>
>
>
>
> A man
> was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing
> aid. It cost me four
> thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's
> perfect.'
> 'Really,'
> answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
> 'Twelve thirty.'
>
>
>
>
> Morris,
> an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
> A few days later,
> the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
> gorgeous young woman on his
> arm.
> A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and
> said, 'You're
> really doing great, aren't you?'
> Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said,
> Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
> The doctor said, 'I didn't s ay
> that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be
> careful.'
>
>
[font=""]> One more. . .!
>
>
> A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice
> cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto
> a stool.. After
> catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
> The waitress asked kindly,
> 'Crushed nuts?'
> 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
>
>
>
|
Ignatz
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Posted: Tue Jul 14th, 2009 12:10 am |
|
| IF YOU HEAR A LOUD RUMBLING IN THE SKY TONIGHT, IT'S NOT THE SPACE SHUTTLE......IT'S ELVIS BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF MICHAEL JACKSON FOR MARRYING HIS DAUGHTER!!!!!!
|
4string
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Posted: Mon Jul 13th, 2009 09:26 pm |
|
Firefly1958 wrote: [size= Don't forget to mark your calendars.
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any
woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does.
So next
Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women] are asked to
walk out
of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood
terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this
anti-terrorist effort.
All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in
front of
their house to prove they are not Muslims, & to demonstrate they think
it's okay to see nude women other than their wife, & to show
support for
all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a
cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim
sentiment.The American gov't appreciates your efforts to root out
terrorists &
applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America !
Every where except Okeechobee. No nudity is permited in Okeechobee for any reason. Even in an all adult establishment.
|
Firefly1958
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| Joined: | Thu Jan 10th, 2008 |
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| Posts: | 1220 |
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Posted: Sun Jul 12th, 2009 02:56 am |
|
[size= Don't forget to mark your calendars.
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any
woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does.
So next
Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women] are asked to
walk out
of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood
terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this
anti-terrorist effort.
All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in
front of
their house to prove they are not Muslims, & to demonstrate they think
it's okay to see nude women other than their wife, & to show
support for
all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a
cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim
sentiment.The American gov't appreciates your efforts to root out
terrorists &
applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America !
|
Firefly1958
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| Joined: | Thu Jan 10th, 2008 |
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| Posts: | 1220 |
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Posted: Sun Jul 12th, 2009 02:51 am |
|
Subject: Dementia Quiz
>
> First Question
>
> You are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person.
> What position are you in?
>
>
>
> Answer : If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely
> WRONG! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, YOU
> are in second place!
>
> Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but
> don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?
>
> Second Question :
> If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
> (scroll down)
>
>
>> Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are.....
> WRONG again. Tell me Sunshine, how can you overtake the LAST
> person??
>
>
> You're not very good at this, are you?
>
>
>
>
> Third Question :
> Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
> Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
> Try it.
>
>
>
> Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 Now add 30 . Add
> another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000. Now add 10 . What
> is the total?
>
>
>
> Did you get 5000 ?
>
> The correct answer is actually 4100 ..
>
>
>
> If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
> Today is definitely not your day, is it ?
>
> Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe...
>
>
>
> Fourth Question:
>
> Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4.
> Nono, and ??? What is the name of the fifth daughter?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.
> Her name is Mary ! Read the question again!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Okay, now the Bonus round,
> i.e., a final chance to
> redeem yourself:
>
>
>
>
>
> A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
> imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses
> himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
> Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
> sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
>
>
>
>
> It's really very simple
> He opens his mouth and ask for it...
> Does your employer actually pay you to think??
> If so Do NOT let them see your answers for this test!
>
>
|
Firefly1958
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Posted: Mon Jul 6th, 2009 11:51 pm |
|
>>
>> The Cathouse Parrot
>>
>> A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful
>> parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
>>
>> "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
>>
>> The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that
>> this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it
>> says some pretty vulgar stuff."
>>
>> The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird
>> anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living
>> room and waited for it to say something.
>>
>> The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house,
>> new madam."
>>
>> The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
>> "that's really not so bad."
>>
>> When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and
>> said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were
>> a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering
>> how and where the parrot had been raised.
>>
>> Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird
>> looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."
>
>
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Sun Jul 5th, 2009 08:44 pm |
|
THE LIE DETECTOR
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned
home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been?
Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us
went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie
detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I
am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied
to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked
him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
"Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair..
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Sun Jul 5th, 2009 04:05 am |
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11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them
all, so they decided that one had to leave,
because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person,
until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because,
as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her
husband and kids or for men in general , and was
used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping ...... IDIOTS!
Last edited on Sun Jul 5th, 2009 04:06 am by Firefly1958
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Taterbo
Member
|
Posted: Sat Jul 4th, 2009 03:24 pm |
|
At the store....
A woman walks in to a grocery store
and the manager notices her walking down an aisle touching her head, then her breasts, then her crotch. She goes down the next aisle and touches her head, then her breasts, then her crotch again. She then walks down a third aisle, again touching her head, her breasts and her crotch. The manager decides to approach her, thinking she's crazy. "Lady," he says "Why do you keep walking down the aisles touching your head, your breasts and your crotch?" She smiles and says "It's so I remember what I came in here for. I touch my head to remember I need to get a head of lettuce. I touch my breasts to remember I need a jug of milk. And I touch my crotch to remember to buy some Fantastic."    
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Sat Jul 4th, 2009 03:22 pm |
|
The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear ' the rules '
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1'
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1.. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1.. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
|
Firefly1958
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Posted: Fri Jul 3rd, 2009 07:01 pm |
|
| The Man Song ........Firefly http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7Y0I91rubg
|
Firefly1958
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Posted: Fri Jul 3rd, 2009 01:17 am |
|
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly…
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up…
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two a**holes.'
'What? He had two a**holes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Bubba with them two a**holes.'
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Bilgerat
Member
|
Posted: Thu Jul 2nd, 2009 02:59 am |
|
This one is (as we say in the Coast Guard) no "snit"
So the guy buy's a boat and hooks it up to take a ride
But the launching isn't as easy as he thought
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Southerndawg
Member
|
Posted: Thu Jul 2nd, 2009 01:44 am |
|
Abbott & Costello for the computer age
Reply Quote
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello and too old to
REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.For those of us who
sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on..
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, 'Who's on
First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a
computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track
expenses and run my business. What do
you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, ! for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows
COSTELLO:
I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting
at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you
don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have
anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I
help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
|
Firefly1958
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Posted: Wed Jul 1st, 2009 11:01 pm |
|
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
NBA 5.0,
AFL 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:
Cooking 3.0 and
Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck !
Tech Support
|
Firefly1958
Member
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Posted: Wed Jul 1st, 2009 10:57 pm |
|
TICK WARNING! I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally but this one is real, and it's important. Please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list:
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
|
Taterbo
Member
|
Posted: Wed Jul 1st, 2009 08:03 pm |
|
Thought you'd get a kick out of this one.....
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part ):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day...
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.
You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads..
6.. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying..
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off
PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Wed Jul 1st, 2009 06:42 pm |
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An Amish farmer walking through his field
notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.
The Amish man shouts: 'Trink das wasser nicht.
Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.'
Which means:'Don't drink the water, the cows have s**t in it.')
The man shouts back: 'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your
gibberish. Speak English, you infidel!'
The Amish man says: 'Use two hands, you'll get more!'
]
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Mon Jun 29th, 2009 03:12 pm |
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Undies
Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them
Mum said: "YOU should say NO-they only want to look at your undies".
Susie said: "I know they do that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!
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Posted: Mon Jun 29th, 2009 05:37 am |
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| . Attachment: IMG_0074.jpg (Downloaded 373 times)
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Posted: Mon Jun 29th, 2009 05:35 am |
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Taterbo
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Posted: Thu Jun 25th, 2009 09:47 am |
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LIFE LESSONS
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it. Said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
"Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.
"Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then...
A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is:
That no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Tue Jun 23rd, 2009 02:07 am |
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FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles
from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know
if the coast is clear.'
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,she is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy ... it's W.'
FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Mon Jun 22nd, 2009 04:16 am |
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Saying Goodnight To Mother , We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party . We turned on a night light , turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid b**ch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Fri Jun 19th, 2009 08:51 pm |
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The Best SmartAss Answers of 2008 !!
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.'Would you like dinner?' the
flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?'
John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied,'No ma'am, they're
dead.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the
officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop fina lly stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that
read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering t his bridge and I ran out of gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008 !!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand
and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to
laughter and snickering
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I fe el horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband
replies, 'Your eyesight's d**n near perfect.
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Southerndawg
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Posted: Fri Jun 19th, 2009 05:58 pm |
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The World's Shortest Books: MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton ______________________________Sequel:THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARYBy Bill Clinton
___________________________________ MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENEby Osama Bin Laden
___________________________________ THINGS I CANNOT AFFORDby Bill Gates
____________________________________ THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEYby Dennis Rodman
_________________________________ THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUEby Al Gore & John Kerry ____________________________________
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
___________________________________
A COLLECTION of
MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHESby Dr. J Kevorkian __________________________________ ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel ____________________________________ GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTEby Mike Tyson __________________________________ THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY_______________________________________MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERSby O.J. Simpson
_________________________________________ HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGESby Ted Kennedy
___________________________________ MY BOOK OF MORALSby Bill Clinton
with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
*******************************************************
AND, JUST ADDED: Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy! By Nancy Pelosi
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Taterbo
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Posted: Fri Jun 19th, 2009 07:43 am |
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My wife had the Jeep at work, my son has the T -bird in Yeehaw. It was raining so I can't take the Harley and I have a Doctors appointment.
I went next door and the young lady that lives there was kind enough to lend me her little sportscar.
On the way into town I got a little carried away and was speeding.
I was caught by radar and they gave me a ticket for 6mph over the speed limit -------- should cost me about $47.00 ---- not a problem
The insulting thing and the problem is I also got a ticket for $500.00 for false advertising
Wait for this
almost
The licence plate on her car read SEXY - 1
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Wed Jun 17th, 2009 01:57 am |
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A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red.......................Cherry
Yellow...................Lemon
Green....................Lime
Orange................Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes.
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Tue Jun 16th, 2009 02:38 pm |
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| Soup Kitchen http://mitchieville.com/13005/soup-kitchen-priceless/
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Firefly1958
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Posted: Sun Jun 14th, 2009 04:00 am |
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Comments made in the year 1955!
That's only 54 years ago!
'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $10.00.
'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $1, 000.00 will only buy a used one.
'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. 20 cents a pack is ridiculous.
'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging7 cents just to mail a letter
'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.
'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.
'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more Ever since they letClark Gable get by with saying d**n in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or d**n in it.
'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put aman on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .
'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.
'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.
'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.
'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.
'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.
'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.
'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.
'There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.
'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $15.00 a day in the hospital, it's too rich for my blood.'
'If they think I'll pay 30 cents for a hair cut, forget it.
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