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Mamazoyd
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Posted: Tue Sep 15th, 2009 09:42 pm |
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Hey HR, cute little kid but a ciggy???
Anyhow, here's a cutie from an e-mail which could go here or songs -- enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7lSliucgygc
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HawgRider
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| Joined: | Thu Aug 27th, 2009 |
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Posted: Thu Sep 3rd, 2009 03:43 pm |
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You can't make this stuff up!
Be Careful Out There:
IDIOT SIGHTING
:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two...'
We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! Idon't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company du e to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare..
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less...
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'Its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side..'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS ..
I have one!!
When I left Hawaii and was transferred to FL I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge". He nodded his head and said "Cool!"
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... they REPRODUCE..........and unfortunately some of them vote, and their one vote counts just as much as yours and mine!!!
______________________________________________________________________
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Mamazoyd
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| Joined: | Sun Jul 9th, 2006 |
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Posted: Fri Aug 28th, 2009 10:03 pm |
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OK here's one more in going through some unopened e-mails. This so called "joke" is quite insulting but I'm sure there are some guys out there who feel it is still very appropo. Are you one of them?
[size=Why wedding dresses are white....] [size=IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!]
IT'S AN EVEN BRAVER ONE WHO FORWARDS IT [size=
Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies]s:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says: 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
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Mamazoyd
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Posted: Fri Aug 28th, 2009 09:02 pm |
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THIS IS WHY OUR HEALTH CARE IS SO HIGH!!![size=] This is ever so true!!!!!�
� Bubba Had Shingles�Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! �Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? �Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. �Bubba said: 'Shingles.' �So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had..�
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' �So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..'�So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, ablood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. �Bubba said, 'Shingles.'�The doctor asked, 'Where?'�
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. �Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
I'm still laughing!!
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mike woodard
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Posted: Wed Aug 12th, 2009 01:49 am |
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This was worth reading!
>
>
> Snakes also known as Garter
> Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be
> dangerous. Yes, grass snakes,
> not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
>
> A couple in Sweetwater,
> Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During
> a
> recent cold spell, the wife was
> bringing a lot of them indoors to
> protect them from a possible
> freeze.
>
> It turned out that a little
> green garden grass snake was hidden in
> one
> of the plants. When it had
> warmed up, it slithered out and the wife
> saw
> it go under the sofa.
>
> She let out a very loud scream.
>
> The husband (who was taking a
> shower) ran out into the living room
> naked
> to see what the problem was. She
> told him there was a snake under
> the
> sofa.
>
> He got down on the floor on his
> hands and knees to look for it.
> About
> that time the family dog came
> and cold-nosed him on the behind. He
> thought the snake had bitten
> him, so he screamed and fell over on
> the
> floor.
>
> His wife thought he had had a
> heart attack, so she covered him up,
> told
> him to lie still and called an
> ambulance.
>
> The attendants rushed in, would
> not listen to his protests, loaded
> him
> on the stretcher, and started
> carrying him out.
>
> About that time, the snake came
> out from under the sofa and the
> Emergency Medical Technician saw
> it and dropped his end of the
> stretcher. That's when the
> man broke his leg and why he is still in
> the
> hospital.
>
> The wife still had the problem
> of the snake in the house, so she
> called
> on a neighbor who volunteered to
> capture the snake.. He armed
> himself
> with a rolled-up newspaper and
> began poking under the couch. Soon he
> decided it was gone and told the
> woman, who sat down on the sofa in
> relief.
>
> But while relaxing, her hand
> dangled in between the cushions, where
> she
> felt the snake wriggling around.
> She screamed and fainted, the snake
> rushed back under the sofa..
>
> The neighbor man, seeing her
> lying there passed out, tried to use
> CPR to
> revive her.
>
> The neighbor's wife, who had
> just returned from shopping at the
> grocery
> store, saw her husband's
> mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her
> husband in the back of the head
> with a bag of canned goods, knocking
> him
> out and cutting his scalp to a
> point where it needed stitches.
>
> The noise woke the woman from
> her dead faint and she saw her
> neighbor
> lying on the floor with his wife
> bending over him, so she assumed
> that
> the snake had bitten him. She
> went to the kitchen and got a small
> bottle
> of whiskey, and began pouring it
> down the man's throat.
>
> By now, the police had arrived.
> Breathe here...
>
> They saw the unconscious man,
> smelled the whiskey, and assumed that
> a
> drunken fight had occurred. They
> were about to arrest them all, when
> the
> women tried to explain how it
> all happened over a little garden
> snake!
>
> The police called an ambulance,
> which took away the neighbor and his
> sobbing wife.
>
> Now, the little snake again
> crawled out from under the sofa and one
> of
> the policemen drew his gun and
> fired at it. He missed the snake and
> hit
> the leg of the end table. The
> table fell over, the lamp on it
> shattered
> and, as the bulb broke, it
> started a fire in the drapes.
>
> The other policeman tried to
> beat out the flames, and fell through
> the
> window into the yard on top of
> the family dog who, startled, jumped
> out
> and raced into the street, where
> an oncoming car swerved to avoid it
> and
> smashed into the parked police
> car.
>
> Meanwhile, neighbors saw the
> burning drapes and called in the fire
> department. The firemen had
> started raising the fire ladder when
> they
> were halfway down the street.
> The rising ladder tore out the
> overhead
> wires, put out the power, and
> disconnected the telephones in a
> ten-square city block area (but
> they did get the house fire out).
>
> Time passed! Both men were
> discharged from the hospital, the house
> was
> repaired, the dog came home, the
> police acquired a new car and all
> was
> right with their world.
>
> A while later they were watching
> TV and the weatherman announced a
> cold
> snap for that night. The wife
> asked her husband if he thought they
> should bring in their plants for
> the night.
>
> And that's when he shot
> her.
>
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sun Aug 9th, 2009 11:35 am |
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A New York Lawyer
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Jul 30th, 2009 12:35 pm |
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A Kind Lawyer
One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Mon Jul 27th, 2009 12:24 am |
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Choices, Choices
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Jul 25th, 2009 10:37 am |
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At The Pearly Gates
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, "1,228."
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Jul 23rd, 2009 07:05 am |
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Contract With The Devil
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Wed Jul 22nd, 2009 11:13 am |
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Bad Investment
Shultz, a lawyer, bribed a man on the jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the prosecution.
The jury was out for nearly a week before they returned to court with the manslaughter verdict.
When Shultz paid the juror, he asked him if it had been hard to persuade the other jurors to get the charge of manslaughter.
"Sure did," the juror replied, "all the others wanted to acquit him."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Tue Jul 21st, 2009 11:20 am |
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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.
"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now what the hell would you say?"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Mon Jul 20th, 2009 10:34 am |
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Crash Landing
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
'All set back here, Captain,' came the reply, 'except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.'
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Craig
Member
| Joined: | Sat Jan 21st, 2006 |
| Location: | Arizona USA |
| Posts: | 3784 |
| Status: |
Offline
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Posted: Mon Jul 20th, 2009 01:15 am |
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Letters Home.
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * *
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sun Jul 19th, 2009 12:19 pm |
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Corruption
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Jul 18th, 2009 10:49 am |
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Best In The World
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."
Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it.
All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas.
Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away..".
Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window.
Again, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it..
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Craig
Member
| Joined: | Sat Jan 21st, 2006 |
| Location: | Arizona USA |
| Posts: | 3784 |
| Status: |
Offline
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Posted: Sat Jul 18th, 2009 04:07 am |
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A man walks into a bank and yells 'This is a hold up - everyone face down on the floor and don't look at me!"
He proceeds to load the money in a duffle bag - and as he is heading to the exit and his get away car says "Did anyone see me?"
One man, who cannot lie, says "Yes."
He is immediately killed - point blank by the robber.
The robber reloads his shotgun and says "Did anyone else see me?"
After a second or so an elderly man pipes up from his position on the floor;
"I think my wife got a good look at you!"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Fri Jul 17th, 2009 10:13 am |
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The love story of Ralph and Edna...
Just because someone doesn't love you the
way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love
you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both
patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were
walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed
there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the
Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the
hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally
stable
When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good
news is you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the
life of the person you love. I have concluded that
your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved
him.. I am so sorry, but he's
dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang
himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go
home?'
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Thu Jul 16th, 2009 10:03 am |
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Surgeons
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered".
"I think librarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered".
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded".
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless,spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Wed Jul 15th, 2009 09:57 am |
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Testifying
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:
The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Tue Jul 14th, 2009 12:00 pm |
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Terminology
Important Legal Terminology
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sun Jul 12th, 2009 12:00 pm |
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Lawyer's Dog
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
"Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.
The contents reads "Consultation: $25.00."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Jul 11th, 2009 03:35 pm |
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The Devil's Lawsuit
There was a contruction worker who was working on a building when he fell 15 stories to his bloody death.
He arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter said "Oh, I am sorry, my son. But you have been sentenced to hell."
The worker agreed - not like he could do anything else - and he was on his way.
When he arrived, the devil looked at him and said, "Ah! A new slave. We shall burn you and throw you in the fiery pits."
Then the worker replied, "That wall could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first and you could throw me in the pit afterward." So he fixed the wall.
Satan, intrigued, asked, "What else can you build?"
So the construction worker went about his job and made many improvements; in fact, by the time he was done, hell was a paradise. It had air conditioning, pools, balconies, you name it.
Within a few days, God phoned Satan and said, "I think there has been a mix-up. That worker was originally supposed to come to heaven."
Satan replied, "No way -- he's built all sorts of useful stuff for us. We're keeping him."
God then said, "Oh, yeah? Well, I'll see you in court. We're going to sue you for this man's soul and damages."
Satan just laughed: "And where are you going to find a lawyer?"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Wed Jul 8th, 2009 10:42 am |
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The Less You Know, The More You Make
"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Tue Jul 7th, 2009 12:16 pm |
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Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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4thekids
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Posted: Mon Jul 6th, 2009 10:21 am |
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Comfortable
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Mon Jul 6th, 2009 10:21 am |
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designman124 wrote: God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day.]
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael look ed puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it.. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's the State of Texas , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, beaches and plains. The people from the State of Texas are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There's Washington DC . Wait till you see the idiots I put there. ”
Thank You... Great Joke
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designman124
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Posted: Mon Jul 6th, 2009 03:56 am |
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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day.]
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael look ed puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it.. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's the State of Texas , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, beaches and plains. The people from the State of Texas are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There's Washington DC . Wait till you see the idiots I put there. ”
Last edited on Mon Jul 6th, 2009 03:57 am by designman124
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sun Jul 5th, 2009 10:50 am |
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Clever Doggie
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.
So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button.
Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.
The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.
The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!
There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door.
The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"
To which the guy responds, "Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
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Craig
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Posted: Sat Jul 4th, 2009 01:21 pm |
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You know your a redneck when:
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restroom's so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sat Jul 4th, 2009 12:47 pm |
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Calf Value
A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.
The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher.
"But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It is post-dated six years from now."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Fri Jul 3rd, 2009 01:53 pm |
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Birdie Poem
Birdie, birdie in the sky
Dropped some white stuff in my eye,
I'm a big girl I won't cry,
I'm just glad that cows don't fly.
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Fri Jul 3rd, 2009 01:53 pm |
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Craig wrote: This might not be a joke as it is closer to reality.
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'
The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
"U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH"
Thanks I liked it.
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Craig
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| Joined: | Sat Jan 21st, 2006 |
| Location: | Arizona USA |
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Posted: Wed Jul 1st, 2009 12:44 pm |
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This might not be a joke as it is closer to reality.
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'
The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
"U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Wed Jul 1st, 2009 09:48 am |
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Bear on a Rampage
Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Wed Jul 1st, 2009 01:40 am |
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Bear Hunt
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
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Craig
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Posted: Tue Jun 30th, 2009 01:05 am |
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My wife might do this too me.
Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
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Ms. Boots
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Posted: Tue Jun 30th, 2009 12:10 am |
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MrsF wrote: Deuce that was really tasteless, to say the least.
No, it was racist to say the least...tasteless would have been a compliment of sorts.
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Mamazoyd
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Posted: Mon Jun 29th, 2009 07:11 pm |
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Hiring Cannibals
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity,' You are all part of our team now,' said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. 'You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees.' The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, 'You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?' The cannibals all shook their heads, 'No.'
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, 'which one of you idiots ate the secretary?'
A hand rose hesitantly.
'You fool!' the leader continued. 'For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But nooooooooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something.'
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Craig
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Posted: Mon Jun 29th, 2009 12:49 pm |
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A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.
The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."
The Water representative says, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your card! Show him your card!"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Mon Jun 29th, 2009 11:25 am |
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20,000 Cockroaches
Customer: Do you have and cockroaches?
Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman.
Customer: I would like 20,000 of them.
Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?
Customer: I’m moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.
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Craig
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Posted: Mon Jun 29th, 2009 04:28 am |
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Coors Light and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'so does 24 cans of Coors Light and its half the price.'
On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'
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MrsF
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Posted: Mon Jun 29th, 2009 02:40 am |
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| Deuce that was really tasteless, to say the least.
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Senior Moment
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Posted: Mon Jun 29th, 2009 01:11 am |
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Not a surprise from a racist in Surprise! You haven't evolved at all! That is the funny part.
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deuce
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Posted: Mon Jun 29th, 2009 12:54 am |
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A little girl wrote to Sarah Palin and asked; 'How did the human race start?'
Sarah Palin answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; They had children; and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl wrote to Michelle Obama
and asked the same question.
Michelle Obama answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl went to her father and said, Dad, how is it possible that Sarah Palin
told me the Human race was created by God, And Michelle Obama said they evolved from monkeys.'
The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple, Sarah Palin told you about her ancestors Michelle Obama told you about hers.'
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sun Jun 28th, 2009 11:36 am |
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Cock A Doodly Doo!
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy and takes the rooster home.
He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job.
"So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer ended with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot.
WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Randy after the flock of geese down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught -- worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob -- stone cold in the middle of the yard and buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "SHHHH, they're getting closer..."
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Sun Jun 28th, 2009 11:36 am |
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| You are welcome
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cindisue_g
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Posted: Sat Jun 27th, 2009 04:10 pm |
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| Thanks for the chuckles you give us!
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4thekids
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Posted: Sat Jun 27th, 2009 04:04 pm |
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Jesus and the Robber
One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rumagged through the desk.
He replied, "Who said that?!"
Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"
The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, "Cornelius."
The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!"
The parrot said, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!"
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4thekids
Member
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Posted: Fri Jun 26th, 2009 04:51 pm |
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Dog Watch
Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"
Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."
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